Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton’s book, How Full is Your Bucket? was first published in 2004. It provides research and a delightful reminder that we all want to be seen, heard and acknowledged.
Overview:
Rath and Clifton argue that providing brief and positive interactions in work and home relationships can result in benefits such as increased productivity and well-being. Some of their research-based conclusions with millions of workers include, the main reason employees leave their job is they do not feel appreciated.
Managers and bosses can actually increase employees’ risk of stroke as much as 33%.
Most people (9 out of 10) report they are more productive when they are around positive people.
Five positive interactions are required for each negative interaction to create and maintain a positive working environment. However, once positive interactions are over thirteen for each negative there is a decrease in productivity.
Basic Concepts:
The idea of filling a bucket with a dipper is used as an analogy for offering encouragement, appreciation, and acknowledgment. Rath and Clifton encourage “filling” buckets rather than “dipping” into them—diminishing people.
Study after study supports the idea that employees thrive better when working with or for those who inject the workplace with a positive mood rather than those who are negative and create work issues.
It is not only OK but it’s an advantage to one’s health and work benefit to have friends at work.
Give attention and acknowledgment unexpectedly.
Find out how people want to receive recognition.
Focus on what is going well.
Tom Rath Quotes:
“So we face a choice every moment of every day: We can fill one another’s buckets, or we can dip from them. It’s an important choice — one that profoundly influences our relationships, productivity, health, and happiness.”
“Tf you want people to understand that you value their contributions and that they are important, the recognition and praise you provide must have meaning that is specific to each individual.”
“The magic ratio: 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction”
“Expected gifts do fill our buckets, but for some reason, receiving things unexpectedly fills our buckets just a little more.”
“…try to catch yourself in the act of bucket dipping – then stop it.”
“Each interaction gives us a chance to shine a light on what’s right – and fill a bucket.”
“How full is your bucket?”
Conclusion:
A 2011/12 report by Towers/Watson National Business Group on Health called Staying@Work Survey supports Rath and Clifton’s research. Towers/Watson surveyed 335 human resources and/or health benefits managers of organizations with more than 1000 employees in Canada and the United States. Their report indicated that 64% of workers feel they lacked support from management. Thus, the problem with lack of recognition and appreciation still exists and How Full is Your Bucket? may just provide the antidote.
Note: Tom Rath and Mary Rechmeryer have written a book for children called, How Full is Your Bucket? For Kids.
The motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar, once said, “People often say that motivation does not last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.” The same philosophy holds true for listening, whether in intimate, family, or working-relationship interactions. Repeatedly, attending to your relationship communication by attentive listening is crucial.
However, many of us fail to recognize occasions when our listening muscle is weak.
My Personal Example of Failing to Listen
As a young mother, I damaged a vital friendship. My husband, children, and I moved to a new city, and I invited my friend to come with her child to visit. I was thrilled when she agreed to come by train for a weekend. With my typical enthusiasm, I shared with her many aspects of my life explaining all the details from the story behind planting the tulips to how I had successfully toilet trained our youngest child. Then, I shared some more and some more.
To her credit, once back in her own home, she wrote me a letter telling me how she left feeling invisible, unappreciated, and disconnected. She never spoke to me again.
It was a hard lesson about the importance of listening. After buckets of tears, I vowed I would indeed learn to listen. First, I needed to clue into my blocks to authentic listening.
Listening Facts
Few of us know how to really listen. Here are some facts:
75 percent of the time, we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful.
More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business.
Less than two percent of us have had formal education about listening. Source: Trinity College
Blocks to Listening
Most of us have blocks to effective listening. Being aware is the first step to changing them. We might:
Like me, in the above story, feel socially starved. Then we tend to unconsciously deliver a It-Is-All About-Me monologue.
Become triggered by something the speaker said. Then we become lost in our own emotional state. You might then need to calm down your own painful feelings. The other possibility is that you are living with trauma, which needs to be addressed.
Tend to argue with the speaker’s feelings. Doing so can escalate into feelings of frustration or even rage. Alternatively, people who feel heard and validated tend to become calmer.
Jump to the wrong conclusion that the speaker’s problem is our problem. This can lead to self-doubt and a sense of inadequacy, as we may find ourselves asking, “What did I do wrong? What am I supposed to do differently?” Additionally, many of us may impulsively offer inappropriate advice or try to fix others’ problems without being invited to do so. We might also take over the conversation with inappropriate or uninvited advice.
Make assumptions and stereotypes: When we assume we already know what the speaker is going to say or judge them based on stereotypes, we may not give their words the attention and consideration they deserve. This can lead to significant misunderstandings and misunderstandings.
Recognizing and addressing these blocks to listening is essential for fostering healthier communication and deeper connections in our relationships.
The Importance of Listening to Relationship Communication
Here are some benefits of truly listening:
We better understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, fostering empathy and connection.
Effective conflict resolution is made possible in an open and respectful manner.
We build trust. When others feel heard and validated, they develop trust in the relationship. A strong foundation is created for intimacy and commitment.
People feel validated. Listening validates others’ experiences and emotions. They then feel valued and appreciated, which strengthens an emotional bond.
Listening prevents misunderstandings: By actively listening and clarifying what we hear we can avoid misinterpretations and miscommunications, reducing the likelihood of conflicts and misunderstandings.
Example in From Woe to WOW
When researching for my book, From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work, seven survey respondents (out of 376) described using listening to deal with challenges, misunderstandings and conflict. One woman reported that when, “team members were burning out, there was a rippling effect on the team.” She, “Listened, created new opportunities for them when able, said no more consistently and let things go.”
Listening can be a powerful remedy to others’ discontent. Alternatively, lack of listening can create disconnect and loss of respect.
Listening Shows Care
Through a caring ear, others will sense that we respect them, are present and are safe to share their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and maybe their dreams. The old cliché is true; it is useful to have a sounding board . The late poet and author, Alice Duer Miller, described it like this,
You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.”
Listening Helps Calm Emotions
Sometimes, we need a mirror, someone to witness our struggle or joy, someone to witness who we are.
When we are in a high feeling state, there is little energy to fuel clear thinking. The brain goes on automatic pilot. Some people appear to flip into another personality.
Agnes might suddenly turn into Anxious Agnes, Angry Anne, or Suffering Sally. Listening helps bring people’s brains back to a functioning mode. Don’t ask a sobbing or fist-clenched employee when a report will be complete. Listen first.
Two Beginning Steps to Improve Listening
How do we begin to listen with empathy, not with apathetic uncaring demeanour nor with a smothering, “poor you, pity you” messages?
First, we can begin with Stephen Covey’s most quoted phrase of “seek first to understand the other.” It is the seeking that is key to offering our attention and presence. This search does not require us to agree with the feelings or beliefs of the speaker. It does require openness. I once heard it said, “If you are not willing to change your mind, you are not really listening.” That’s especially true when engaged in a disagreement or conflict.
Second, we can read about listening skills (see blogs below) or take a class. Then we practice!
Conclusion
Please commit yourself to improved listening. If you are a raving extrovert, like me, now and then you will lapse into monologues. Add a little self-compassion and get back on track with your listening ears. Your relationship communication will dramatically improve. Just listen!
Joy! Joy! Authentic joy . . . down in my heart! But there is a caveat. I never ask my grandchildren or anyone else, for that matter, to smile or feel joy on demand. Even more, I avoid the term positive emotions as it is poor mental health to do so. An article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017 is in alignment with my position:
“. . . suppressing uncomfortable feelings can contribute to more distress? Those who accept all of their emotions without judgment tend to be less focused on negativity and feel less upset about feeling upset.” Note the phrase “without judgment” because self-judgement typically is an old unresolved trauma pattern, related to poor mental health.
Yes! We are best to be aware of, and accept, our spectrum of emotions from feeling blue to bliss, sad to satisfied, and scared to safe.
However, I am a fan of Tom Rath’s and Jon Clifton’s work through The Gallop Poll. Rath is the author of the book, How Full Is Your Bucket? which encourages us to encourage one another, especially those in leadership roles. In May 21, 2014 The Gallop Poll released a report called People Worldwide Are Reporting a Lot of Positive Emotions.
They point out that, in their research, regardless of the wars and unrest in the world, seven in 10 people in 138 countries reported in their Positive Experiences Index significant amounts of:
1. enjoyment
2. laughing or smiling
3. feeling well-rested
4. being treated with respect
You might imagine Americans and Canadians, with all of our stuff and two car garages, would be at the top of the list. But Latin Americans are at the top with the citizens of Paraguay at the very top. Syrians were at the bottom.
So what is this about you and me? Rather than a positive emotional focus, let us focus on creating an enlivened life filled with the experiences described above.
How to Put on Your Authentic Smile
1. Find Enjoyment
The lesson adults can learn here is that the world is filled with things for our enjoyment. Allen Klein, author of The Healing Power of Humor
Discover what you enjoy. Do it more.
If need be, find another passion. Our niece, Kaitlin, lived to snowboard; so much that she would move to New Zealand and then Japan to follow the snow year round. Then she incurred injuries that incapacitated her participation in her beloved sport. The solution was to find other ways to find joy and happiness. Go deeper. Many who have car accidents, strokes or loss of loved ones or a career discover their well-being is restored once they find another passion, dream or enjoyment.
Another strategy is to develop a gratitude practice so that you enjoy the details of your life from morning coffee to your heavenly bedroom pillow.
2. Laugh and Smile
Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself. Khill Gibran, Lebanese artist, poet, and writer
Find your funny bone, whether it is laughing at yourself, a favourite TV show such as The Big Bang Theory or hanging out with children.
Smile, whenever doing so is aligned with how you are feel. Smiles have been known to save others’ lives. Having a practice of gratitude can help increase your smile frequency.
3. Stay Rested
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know? Ernest Hemingway, American author and journalist
Honour your inherent sleep habits—morning lark or night owl. The Latin Americans tend to stay up late, have siestas, and not ask, “Did you sleep in?” Like them, I tend to be a night owl.
Practise good sleep hygiene habits. Do as many as you can. Have no caffeine after 2 pm; do calm activities before going to bed; sleep in a quiet, dark room; use a quality mattress and pillow.
Add napping. Join your favourite cat.
4. Treat Yourself and Others with Respect
Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners. Laurence Sterne, English novelist
Start with self-respect. Use your values to guide your decisions so that you stay in integrity. Acknowledge your abilities, strengths, characteristics, and contributions.
Treat others as they would like to be treated. Ask them what is important to them and about their preferences. Usually people feel respected when we acknowledge their abilities, strengths, characteristics and contributions.
Provide guidance to others so that you feel respected by them. Respect to one person can mean disrespect to another. Do you want more time alone or more time connecting? Do you want others to jump into the conversation or do you prefer they stay silent until you finish speaking? Do you want others to leave their shoes on or take them off at the front door?
Mutual respect means a give and take of the above points.
5. Create Joy with an In-Joy List
Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home… it’s your responsibility to love it, or change it. Chuck Palahniuk
A couple of years ago, I took a course from Barbara Fredrickson, the researcher and author of Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. I learned that painful emotions often sink deep into our unconscious, frequently rooted in childhood trauma. Fredrickson became passionate about researching feelings of pleasure, awe, happiness, and joy.
Fredrickson introduced the concept of ‘savoring’—slowing down, smelling the roses, breathing in gratitude, and being fully present in the moment. She explains the benefit of grounding ourselves in pleasurable emotions in this way:
‘The negative screams at you, but the positive only whispers.
So, let’s get savouring with joy. Joy can arise from unexpected moments or through deliberate action. When we clarify what excites us and brings meaning, value, and satisfaction to our lives, we can plan for it. What activities stimulate your senses—vision, hearing, touch, smell, taste? What energizes you physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, socially, and spiritually?
Exercise: Take a lined piece of paper and write A/O, S/P, $, and √ across the top right. Create a table similar to the one below. In the larger left-hand column, quickly jot down descriptions of what you’d like to be, do, or have. The list might look like this:”
feel peaceful
have a cup of tea while reading my emails
watch my favorite TV show
own an amazing laptop
eat a bowl of fresh strawberries
fly to Amsterdam to spend time with our daughter
etc
Note: The symbols in the four right hand columns are explained below. Please do not peek until you complete your list of 10 or more items; the more, the better!
Finally, across from each item, place a check mark under each of the appropriate symbols to indicate:
A or O if you prefer the experience Alone or with Others
S or P if you prefer the experience Spontaneously or Planned
$ if it costs $5 or more each time
√ if you have had the experience in the last year
What did you learn? How will you increase your joy tomorrow and into your future?
The Benefit of Sharing Pleasurable Moments with a Partner
Fredrickson also said,
Flouishing is not a solo endeavor.
So if you are in a relationship, would your partner write their list; that is do the above exercise? Then imagine how the two of you could explore the two lists to deepen your connection.
The research tells us that sharing pleasing moments with a partner not only deepens connection, it fosters emotional intimacy. By experiencing joy together, you strengthen your bond, build trust, and create shared memories that can help sustain the relationship through conflict and other challenges. This practice enhances overall relationship satisfaction and emotional resilience. Of course, friendships are enhanced by sharing these kinds of experiences as well.
Conclusion:
Authentic joy comes from many sources. However, it begins with a decision to not only deal with life’s pain but find life’s wonder, and that requires commitment and savouring. Please let me know how adding joy progresses for you. I’m interested!
Yes, that is me in the photo, with my hubby. If you are a senior citizen, I hope you, too, take time to yuck it up! Fun and play help us keep healthy; help us with resilient ageing. Yet growing older has another side.
In the last couple of years, I was introduced to eyesight challenges, hearing issues, arthritis, and high blood pressure. My ageing process included getting an eye lift so I can do a proper shoulder check while driving. My hearing aids have allowed the television volume to go from 59 to 19. Physiotherapy has helped the ache in my arthritic knee. These merely describe efforts to deal with the wear and tear on my body.
Here are some more indicators of the aging process. The newspaper’s obituaries note dates closer to my birth year. Attending funerals have increased. My hubby’s prostate cancer is back. Humor masks my feeling of frustration at how often I deal with forgetfulness. It is bittersweet to hear our granddaughter giggle, “Look boys! There’s Great-Grandma Pat. Isn’t she cute?”
Regardless of the cliches such as Age is just a number, some days I find myself muttering
Getting older is not much fun! Ageing is not for sissies, and I am ready for a nap!
Certainly! The aging process refers to the gradual changes that occur in an organism’s body over time, leading to a decline in various physiological functions and an increased susceptibility to diseases. Aging is a complex and multifaceted.
Here are some more key points about the aging process that focus on physical aspects of wear and tear:
Cellular Changes: As we age, our cells undergo various changes, including a decrease in their ability to divide and repair themselves. This can result in a decline in tissue and organ function.
Genetic Factors: Genetic predisposition plays a significant role in determining how an individual will age. Some people may have genetic variations that make them more resilient to certain age-related conditions.
Hormonal Changes: Hormone production often changes with age, leading to shifts in various bodily functions. For example, the decrease in certain hormones like estrogen and testosterone can contribute to changes in bone density and muscle mass.
Oxidative Stress: This occurs when there’s an imbalance between the production of free radicals (reactive molecules) and the body’s ability to neutralize them with antioxidants. Oxidative stress is thought to contribute to cellular damage and aging.
Telomere Shortening: Telomeres are protective caps on the ends of chromosomes that shorten with each cell division. Eventually, when telomeres become too short, cells can no longer divide properly, contributing to aging.
Mitochondrial Function: Mitochondria are the energy-producing structures within cells. Over time, mitochondrial function can decline, leading to decreased energy production and cellular efficiency.
Inflammation: Chronic inflammation is associated with various age-related diseases. As we age, our immune system can become less effective at controlling inflammation, leading to tissue damage.
Environmental Factors: Exposure to environmental factors such as pollution, UV radiation, and toxins can accelerate the aging process by causing cellular damage.
Lifestyle Factors: Diet, exercise, sleep, and stress management play a significant role in how we age. A healthy lifestyle can slow down the aging process and promote overall well-being.
Age-Related Diseases: Conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, and certain types of cancer become more prevalent with age.
Researchers continue to study the aging process in hopes of understanding its mechanisms and developing interventions to promote healthier aging. While aging is a natural part of life, adopting a healthy lifestyle and staying proactive about health care can contribute to a higher quality of life as we grow older.
I wonder about slowing down. Then, comes a half day of mentoring an emerging speaker. I come alive. I feel energized. I forget about my discomfort, my poor me song, and my age. No matter what our age, we are at a choice point. We can embrace resilient aging!
Ageing Process Choices
Age disgracefully, gracefully or gratefully?
Continue to do what you think you SHOULD do or begin doing activities that energize, excite you and are high priority values?
Fuss about your neck, or stick out your neck to take a risk?
Lament your wrinkles, or realize that wrinkle cream is modeled by 18-year-olds?
Stay with the same old clothes, beliefs, and activities, or buy a thong, read a stimulating book and join a new group?
Wear the same old clothes or buy a thong? Oh! Forget that one. I tried the thong. Awful! It felt like a large dental floss you know where!
Watch the aging clock tick, or make good use of your day?
Focus on what you have not done, 0r check off your bucket list desires?
Beat yourself up for not knowing it all or celebrate your wisdom, experience, and resilience?
Quicken your life’s end with nicotine, alcohol, or fatty and sugary foods or ingest sensibly?
Disappear into other addictions, such as gambling, TV watching or internet, or engage in an active social life that includes volunteering?
Tell people you are 29 years old when you are 35, 45 or 55 plus, or say I am 95 years old and don’t I look great?
Yes, have some fun with your age. At a minimum, be the best you at whatever age, whatever condition–moving fast or slow. Some younger people are slowed down because of health conditions. In my late seventies, I have lasted well. You have lasted, to this point. Celebrate it. Of course, there are ways to make the lasting longer through a healthy lifestyle.
It is a matter of choice–a matter of choosing resilient aging by boosting your thoughts and minding your behaviors. May your ageing process reflect your thoughtful choices.
To have resilience at work often takes a concerted effort. Resilience helps you manage typical workplace challenges such as:
personality differences
bullying
micro-management
being blamed
poor leadership
criticism
demands on your time
lack of childcare
personal issues such as depression, anger, lack of stress management skills or illness.
Here are 12 effective ways to enhance your resilience in the workplace:
Embrace Your Commute: If you use public transportation, make the most of your time. Read a book, catch up on a newspaper, listen to music, or strike up conversations with fellow commuters.
Plan Your Day Realistically: Be pragmatic in scheduling your tasks. This can be particularly challenging for optimists who tend to overestimate what they can accomplish.
Take Breaks and Lunch: Prioritize your well-being during the workday. Eat nutritious meals, go for a short walk, or indulge in a little self-care.
Build Workplace Relationships: Foster supportive connections with your colleagues through daily positive interactions. Strengthening these relationships can improve the overall work atmosphere.
Leverage Your Strengths: Whenever possible, seek out tasks that align with your talents, skills, and knowledge. This will boost your energy levels and job satisfaction.
Celebrate Others’ Success: Acknowledge and celebrate your coworkers’ achievements. Being a source of encouragement can create a more positive work environment.
Learn from Mistakes: Cultivate a beginner’s mindset and remain open to discovering better approaches. Mistakes can lead to valuable insights and improvements.
Handle Criticism Gracefully: Respond to criticism with gratitude and a willingness to improve. If you need assistance, don’t hesitate to ask for it.
Resolve Conflicts: If conflicts arise, take the initiative to address them. Invite the person involved to lunch, ask about their perspective, and genuinely listen. Offer your help if appropriate.
Release Tension: Periodically pause during the day to check in with your body. Relax your shoulders, take a deep breath, and let go of built-up tension.
Practice Gratitude: Find something to appreciate about your work every day, whether it’s the office coffee machine, a friendly coworker, or even the trusty stapler on your desk.
Share Success Stories: Narratives shape organizational culture. Share stories that highlight leadership, dedication, and excellence. Describe how challenges are overcome and goals achieved.
By incorporating these strategies into your work routine, you can build resilience and create a more positive and productive workplace environment. Choose one of the ideas above and see what results you can create to build resilience at work.
One of my audience members wrote to me asking how to be resilient when she feels insecure around her manager. She feels unappreciated and controlled. She wanted to know the signs of micromanagement. She hangs on until the weekend arrives. She’s not alone in longing for Free Friday.
In a Towers Perrin study, Don Lowman reported, “What we’re hearing is that people want to contribute. But they say their leaders and supervisors unintentionally put obstacles in their paths.” Thomas Ng and other researchers reported that employees’ sense of control over their work is crucial for motivation. Regardless of the statistics, being micro-managed is a disempowering experience. As one person said, “It sucks!”
Let’s look at this dynamic from both ends–the micro-managed and the micro-manager.
The Micromanagement of Employees
If, after receiving basic training, you do your job adequately and your manager is still acting like big brother, you may conclude “I am micromanaged.” No one likes others peering over their shoulder and snooping into their desk drawers. It becomes problematic when you develop stress symptoms and feel lethargic, fearful, frustrated or depressed. The result is minimized productivity, suppressed or explosive feelings, self-doubt and ultimately sick leave or dismissal.
What to do: Consider the following options
From an Empathetic Perspective
Seek to Understand Micromanagers often operate from a place of insecurity, perfectionism, or a need for control. Recognizing their motivations can help you adapt your approach.
Proactively Communicate Provide frequent updates before they ask. Anticipate their concerns and share progress reports, ensuring they feel informed.
Clarify Expectations Ask specific questions about what they want and how they define success. This can reduce unnecessary revisions and excessive oversight.
Demonstrate Reliability Consistently delivering high-quality work on time builds trust and may encourage them to loosen their grip over time.
Establish Boundaries Diplomatically If their oversight becomes excessive, gently suggest alternative approaches, such as scheduled check-ins instead of constant monitoring.
Manage Up Help them see the bigger picture by framing discussions around outcomes instead of minor details. Use phrases like: “Would you like me to focus on completing the task efficiently or reviewing every step with you?”
Leverage Their Strengths Micromanagers often have valuable expertise. Tap into their knowledge when needed, showing that you respect their input.
From a Take Action Perspective
Get a confidential second opinion from a peer, company Ombuds, Occupational Health personnel or from the HR department.
Do a reality check with yourself. Are you inviting over-supervision? Do you take initiative or do you look for direction for even small tasks?
Volunteer to do a task that showcases your skills and strengths.
Make an assertive statement such as, “I’m confident that I can do this job independently. I will let you know when it is complete.”
Keep a record of when you are interrupted with unnecessary direction. Log the date, time, topic, length of conversation and what was said.
Request a meeting with your manager to express your concerns and why your work satisfaction has suffered. Explain how you feel and state what would be helpful. Keep to the facts. Speak with an attitude of, “I have a problem and I want your help.”
Also, in that meeting, avoid beginning your sentences with the word you. Begin your comments with I. “I feel incompetent when I don’t have some freedom doing my job.” “I like tackling jobs and running with them.”
You could also ask clarifying questions such as, “What do I need to do so you will trust my work?” “Will you clarify my job responsibilities?”
If you don’t make progress with your manager, go to the supervisor or senior management to see if anything can be done.
If, after significant effort, change doesn’t happen, you still feel disrespected, and your morale is still sinking request a transfer to another department and/or begin a job search. You deserve better.
The Micro-managing Boss
If you are a manager who tends to worry about details, seek perfection, like to have control, feel pressure from senior management, and/or feel insecure in your position, you are probably micro-managing those who report to you.
Hopefully the above facts have convinced you that over-controlling has a negative effect on employee satisfaction, health, attitude, cooperation, mutual respect and productivity.
What to do: Consider the following options
Ask yourself if you are acting out some childhood feelings of powerlessness. No need to be embarrassed. It is common for adults to have control issues. If you had a painful time growing up you may unconditionally making an effort to now control your environment at work and home.
If the above resonates with you, consider committing to attend six counselling sessions. Why six? That is the average number of sessions for the average challenge to be resolved.
Try to be honest with yourself. Employees seldom feel safe enough to confront their supervisor or manager with complaints until they are ready to quit.
Discuss your concerns with managers or superiors who have effective working relationships with their staff. Observe and learn. Be willing to change.
Develop this belief, “My job is to inspire, support, lead and sometimes guide.”
Ask for assistance from your superior, company Ombuds, Occupational Health personnel or HR department.
Listen more than you talk or direct your employees. Ask for opinions, directions and solutions. Ask, “How can I better support you?” or “What am I doing well to support you?” “What could I start doing or stop doing?”
Read some books on effective management. I particularly like How Full is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Lifeby Tom Rath & D. Clifton and The Leader’s Digest: Timeless Principles for Team and Organization Successby Jim Clemmer.
Arrange for a workplace presentation from Jim Clemmer of The Clemmer Group or Merge Gupta-Sunderji, who helps managers become leaders.
Commit to helping your employees feel competent, responsible for their results, heard, seen, and appreciated!
If you discover you are being micromanaged or are micromanaging, please make some changes. The whole issue of micromanagement can be shifted to trust, accountability, and improved workplace conditions.
We can all play our part in strengthening workplace resilience. We can help boost each other’s morale. Indeed, if we care enough, we can empower others.
Filling people’s emotional piggy bank costs nothing, yet can be invaluable.”
We all crave to be seen, heard and acknowledged!
“I truly believe we all crave to be seen, heard and acknowledged.” Whether I say that to individuals, groups or large audiences heads nod in the affirmative.
When I first began working in a counselling agency, I was thrilled with the supervision. My manager smiled, nodded and listened as I worked out my problems through non-stop, extroverted talking. As I exited from his office, I would turn, thank him for his time and he would respond with a generous laugh and a big “You’re most welcome.” I left notes of appreciation on his desk and the occasional homemade muffin. I was surprised, therefore, when I learned that long-time employees felt frustrated by his lack of wise guidance.
The lesson? Acknowledgment and a sense of gratitude improve working conditions whether it is sent or received by employees or management.
Boosting other people costs nothing, takes little energy and will help those at work and home feel and function better. Plus it enables you to make a positive difference. It has been well researched that the number one reason children misbehave is to attract attention. It is accepted that they need love, appreciation and encouragement. Why should those needs end when we become adults? Love, appreciation and encouragement are longed for in many marriages. The three ‘c’s in the marital therapy business are commitment, communication, and cherishing. There is increasing evidence that workers also seek positive attention.
“Sawu Bona” is a South African greeting which literally means, “I see you.” If you are not greeted in this way in South Africa, it is the biggest insult you could give another. Its deeper meaning is “because you are there, I exist,” that “without each other we literally do not exist.” Imagine what your workplace would be like if this acknowledgment was genuinely sent and received on a daily basis.
A 2003 Gallup poll on employee engagement and satisfaction reported that the number one reason most Americans leave their jobs is that they do not feel appreciated. It was also reported that 65% of the respondents had received no job-related recognition in the last year. They wanted recognition! Don’t we all, from childhood to our dying days, long to be seen, heard and known?
The three main strategies for people boosting are acknowledgment, appreciation and encouragement. All three strategies include the skills of observing and describing behavior.
How to Acknowledge
Acknowledge means to accept as a fact or truth. There are people who do not feel seen or heard. Some even feel invisible. Have you heard anyone say, “It is as if I don’t exist,” or “It is as if I am not heard?” Just like kids, some people would rather receive negative attention than none. That way, they at least have their reality confirmed. Effective acknowledgment sounds like this:
“I hear your concern that (describe what was said).”
“I noticed that you (describe behavior).”
“I see the stress on your face.”
“I’m interested in your feedback.”
“Tell me more.”
How to Appreciate
Appreciate means to value. We show appreciation by expressing gratitude for small and big differences someone makes that affect our lives. We can appreciate something as simple as a smile. Have you heard anyone say, “No one cares how hard I work, or She’s never satisfied?” The behaviors we focus on expand. In How Full is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life, authors Tom Rath and Donald Cliffton indicate that everyone needs five positive interactions for every negative one. Here are some useful appreciative statements:
“Thank you.”
“I appreciate that you . . . (describe behavior).”
“I like the way you . . . (describe behavior).”
“You helped me by . . . (describe behavior).”
How to Encourage
Encourage means to increase confidence or raise hope. Effective encouragement avoids competition or comparisons with others. Have you ever felt discouraged by remarks such as, You will never learn, It’s your fault, Harry did it better, or Quit making mistakes? Encouragement gives information about what is working and how to increase competency. It focuses more on the behavior and less on judgments or words of praise. For example, “The focus you gave this project paid off,” is better than “Good job.” The person receiving the former message knows what to do next time to achieve success.
Good job is praise. It’s nonspecific and the receiver does not have valuable information to repeat a job well done. Many of us confuse praise with encouragement.
Recently, I was told by a colleague,”I am proud of you.” It didn’t land well with me. It seemed as if he was taking some ownership for my accomplishment. It sounded parental and yet, I did not know what I did well. Here are five examples of effective and encouraging statements:
“Each day I see improvement in (describe behavior).”
“I feel pleased with your (describe behavior).”
“I noticed that you gave a lot of time and effort to the job.”
“I heard that you accepted a lot of responsibility.”
“I see you are now doing all the steps in order.”
These strategies will help the people in your life feel better about being in your presence and will empower them to improve their performance. At home look for less conflict, improved co-operation and more reciprocal appreciation. Notice more romance and communication in your love life. In the workplace look for increased productivity, fewer accidents, employee retention and improved customer satisfaction. Most of all look in the mirror and see an acknowledging, appreciative and encouraging People Booster. Yes, you can empower others!
Who has boosted you? How did he or she do it? What people boosting behaviors are you passing on? Bravo for your willingness to empower others!
Rath and Clifton argue that providing brief and positive interactions in work and home relationships can result in benefits such as increased productivity and well-being. Some of their research-based conclusions with millions of workers include, the main reason employees leave their job is they do not feel appreciated.
Finally, across from each item, place a check mark under each of the appropriate symbols to indicate:
Yes, that is me in the photo, with my hubby. If you are a senior citizen, I hope you, too, take time to yuck it up! Fun and play help us keep healthy; help us with resilient ageing. Yet growing older has another side.
