“Loneliness kills!” Dr. Robert Waldinger, Harvard University
We were forty-years-old when my hubby was transferred from Ontario to Calgary, Alberta. I felt excited to explore the employment opportunities in this dynamic city. After four months of job seeking, I was still unemployed. I was often home alone and the phone seldom rang from near or back home. Loneliness kicked in. Maybe it was depression or maybe in was both.
Now, I know I was longing for connection. I have heard the same lament, over the years, from clients, friends, and family members in different circumstances. Some people feel lonely because they do not have a main squeeze, a close friend, a trustworthy confidante, an understanding family, or a sense of community. Other people may feel lonely because their self-concept is poor and they imagine themselves not worthy of closeness. Yet others may feel lonesome because they are excluded at work or the community because of a disability, race, poverty, sexual orientation or for other reasons for which they are labeled different.
During COVID-19 it is important that we don’t buy into the myth that because we are required to physically distance that we are disconnected and inevitably lonely. There are many ways to feel connection.
The Difference Between Alone and Lonely
The Cambridge Dictionary defines the word alone as without other people. It is a physical condition. I can hear my introverted hubby, Les sighing, “Oh good. Peace and solitude at last!” Contrast that with the word lonely which is defined as unhappy because you are not with other people. It is a mental condition. That’s me, the raving extrovert who thrives on being around other people.
However, recent research indicates too much alone time can lead to loneliness and social isolation for people with both extroverted and introverted preferences. You are at risk of loneliness when your longing for connection is unfulfilled. My risk factor is obviously higher than Les’. Consequently, I take feeling lonely seriously.
So does Britain. The British government created a Loneliness Minister and declared an annual Loneliness Awareness Week with the slogan Let’s Talk Loneliness.
Loneliness Research
Nine million, or 1/5 the population of Britain, reported they are always or often lonely. British Red Cross
Just under four million (2/5 of older Brits) report television as their main company. Age UK, 2014
About 63% of 700 Americans over 60 years of age reported feeling lonely regardless of being married! University of California, 2012
Forty-six percent of 20,000 Americans surveyed reported they sometimes or always feel lonely. Cigna, 2018
Between 25% and 30% of Canadians reported persistent loneliness or social isolation, Dr. Robin Lennox, McMaster University, 2018
About 50% of Canadians over 80-years-of-age reported feeling lonely. Canadian Seniors Council, 2014
In 2018, the American, Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy declared, “The world is suffering from an epidemic of loneliness.”
The Negative Consequences of Loneliness
“Put simply, lonelier people feel worse when they are sick than less lonely people,” Dr. Chris Fagundes, American Psychological Association
Loneliness and social isolation are as deadly as obesity, smoking and lack of physical activity. Brigham Young University, 2015
Loneliness is a source of stress, and stress is known to have a wide range of negative health consequences, including high blood pressure, sleeplessness, indigestion and poor dietary habits. Dr. Lisa Jaremka, University of Delaware
People, young and old, who live alone, are at increased risk of suicide. Dr. John Cacioppo, University of Chicago
People who are lonely are more likely to be volatile, have distorted and negative thinking about others’ intentions, and view themselves as victims. “Loneliness undermines our ability to self-regulate our emotional response.” Dr. McConnell, University of Alberta
Plus, there exists a stigma attached to saying “I feel lonely.” People, who feel lonesome, may imagine they are a failure or unworthy of a caring relationship.
All of these factors make it difficult for people who feel lonely to reach out for connection. As John T. Cacioppo, author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connectionwrote, “Real relief from loneliness requires the cooperation of at least one other person, and yet the more chronic our loneliness becomes, the less equipped we may be to entice such cooperation.”
The Cure to Loneliness Lies in Connection
The present, and key, researcher of the 80-year old Harvard Study of Adult Development, Robert Waldinger, concluded: “The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health.”
The first step is to assess if feeling lonely has reached a point of concern. It is natural to feel lonely now and then. Certainly my situation was of concern. I was escaping into hours of sleep and questioning my worthiness.
“We can all slip in and out of loneliness. Feeling lonely at any particular moment simply means that you are human. . . Loneliness becomes an issue of serious concern only when it settles in long enough to create a persistent, self-reinforcing loop of negative thoughts, sensations, and behaviors.” John T. Cacioppo
Jaremka said, “A wealth of research shows that a sense of being cared for and loved is crucial to our well-being.”
So, where do we begin to minimize loneliness for others or ourselves? Here are some ideas to consider:
14 Cures for Loneliness
Assess your own level of need for social interaction. There is no concern if you are comfortable with your allotted alone time.
Get comfortable in your own skin. Accept that a certain degree of loneliness is inevitable.
Study mindfulness to have a sense of peace about being alone.
Accept loneliness as a sign that you need to do something different, including reaching out.
Find a purpose that is shared by other people. For example, if homelessness concerns you, volunteer.
Realize that deep friendships take time to develop. Healthy relationships are not quick fixes like take out food.
Decide it is ok, even healthy, to have friends at your workplace.
Don’t rely on social media as the solution. Facebook can create the illusion that you have many friends when often those relationships are superficial. Consider using it as a beginning step to connection. Reduce social media time while increasing chatting on the phone and face-to-face time.
Develop quality relationships with people who share similar interests and values as you.
Reach out to an old friend or family member you haven’t spoken to for years. Check out who they have become since you last spent time together.
In Canada find The Loneliness Project on Facebook and/or Instagram.
Practice inclusion for yourself and others. Find reasons to include others rather than find reasons to exclude.
Develop an optimistic perspective about relationships. People who are lonely tend to expect rejection. You are best to focus on positive interactions.
If you are stuck in loneliness, reach out to a helping professional.
Do you wonder what happened to that lonely, miserable, 40-year old unemployed woman, me? I dug myself out! I reached out! I applied to volunteer at a family counselling agency and before I completed the training, I was offered a job. Yes, at the same agency! My relationships began to develop and I now flourish in a myriad of social interactions.
Loneliness need not lead to dismay, depression, illness or early death. Relationships are the cure! Go say “Hi, there!”
The meaning of dreams has been pondered since the dawn of civilization. Whether you recall vivid details or only remember bits and pieces, knowing how to understand your dreams may help you build personal resilience.
A Brief History of Dreams
One of the oldest recorded dreams dates back to 13th Century BC with the epic of Gilgamesh. It is recorded that King Gilgamesh saw a meteorite fall and his people ran to kiss it and treasure it like a baby. (Maybe this was the origin of singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star!) Anyway, Gilgamesh took his dream to his mother and she told him that his dream was favorable and precious. (Maybe she was the original intuitive—an ancient times Laura Day.)
In the Old Testament, Joseph remembered lots of dreams–maybe because of his psychedelic coat of many colors. Once the Pharaoh realized that he was having icky dreams about seven years of fat cows and seven years of famine, he asked Joseph to help him understand what they meant. Later on in the New Testament, there’s the incredible dream to do with the miracle birth. Mary was showing a pregnant belly when she married Joseph. You know what the folks thought about that back then! But Joseph was convinced in a dream that she had an immaculate conception so it was OK for him to say “I do.”
Saint Jerome was called to be a Christian in the 4th Century AD. He translated the word “anon” to mean “witchcraft.” Before his conversion, it meant “looking at dreams.” Dreaming was thus frowned upon and people began to try real hard not to remember their dreams. Wouldn’t you?
A long time passed until Sigmund Freud published 350 copies of Interpretation of Dreams in 1900. Freud proposed that dreams provide a re-discovery for the unconscious motivation behind behavior–why some of us lick and some of us bite our ice cream.
What is a Dream?
The psychologist Carl Jung said, “The dream is a spontaneous self-representation of the actual situation of the unconscious in symbolic terms.” A dream is like an image from the unconscious…and it might be scary dark.
Many of us avoid saying, “Hi there, how are you doing Ms. Unconscious?” even when she is begging to be let in the door. The function of dreaming is to give the unconscious part of yourself some acknowledgment. With an open attitude, dreaming lets our conscious self meet our unconscious self.
Jungian psychoanalyst, Judith Slimmon says,
All dreams arise in the service of health and wholeness.”
Perhaps dreams are trying to bring us psychic balance—light where we have too much dark and dark where we aren’t acknowledging it.
Dreams can also balance out our life teeter-totter. Cure too much heaviness or not enough challenge by remembering a dream. Get this. The more your teeter-totter is out of balance, the more dramatic your dreams will be—like smashing down the door. Slimmon also says, “Dreams seek to make the unknown known.” Who hasn’t got some inner dark caves?
Add to Your Dream Dictionary
Our conscious life includes our sense of what Slimmon calls the “I.” She says we only get glimpses now and then of what we don’t know. I thought to myself, “She doesn’t live with teenagers!” She did say that others might tell us, but who’s ready to listen? The real “I” can be revealed in dreams. The Real “I” she called “Not I.” The ego attends to our sense of memory and we have a lot of that “unknown self” in there. “Hello.” When under tremendous stress another part of ourselves pops out. For me, sometimes it’s Aunt Leona or Martyr Maid that takes the stage.
Slimmon explains, “Our consciousness rests on the unconscious of which we know very little, though it is significant.” The first layer of the unconscious is our personal unconscious or our shadow. It is the unpleasant part, the part that doesn’t really fit or wasn’t supported as we were growing up. It involves our present life and dreams try to bring balance to it. Did I mention my Aunt Leona?
A deeper layer is the collective unconscious. It includes all of those aspects of our human experience that are unique to our species, women included. Do dogs and monkeys try to live by virtues and values? Dreams at this level tend to be impressive—like a big bang. Many of the tribal cultures that we see on National Geographic have rituals that focus on helping the dancers and drummers unlock this deep unconscious layer. When we have dreams from the collective unconscious, we can’t shake them because they have a sense of being of bigger importance than our personal life. Maybe Bill Gates had a cyberspace dream of an abstract mouse, machines with viruses and operating system upgrades galore.
Slimmon tells a story of a man who thought he had an honorable business deal only to dream that his hands were covered with dirt. Another man who was married had a dream that stopped him from messing around with other women.
Dream Interpretation and Dream Control
Equally of interest is a young man asking about his troubling dreams. To view this 2.17 minute video Click Here.
Do you want to know how to interpret dreams? Be cautious. It’s like going back to a pre-verbal stage where words and language don’t slice it. Image is the big medium here. It’s more like creating a poem. I’m thinking it’s like an abstract canvas that I don’t immediately realize its hidden and deep message. Sometimes someone can help you grasp the meaning but you have to “get it” yourself.
Be gentle and careful about interpreting your dreams. Look at the possibilities. Ask “What would it be like to encounter such a situation?” I asked myself “What would it be like, Patricia, to find yourself in your worst nightmare? What would you feel?” I answered myself. “I’d feel scared and then I would accept that weak and disowned part of myself.” That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
George William “Bill” Domhoff, a Distinguished Professor Emeritus and research professor of psychology and sociology at the University of California wrote this about nightmares:
There is new evidence since the 1990s that nightmares can be reduced by writing down a new ending to the nightmare of one’s own choosing, and then imagining that new ending several times each day (“imagery rehearsal,” a technique of cognitive-behavioral therapy) . . . The successful approach to nightmare reduction — which can be thought of as a form of dream control.”
Pay special attention to recurring themes as the unconscious is really trying to knock down the closed door on some aspects of your life. If you have repeatedly disturbing nightmares, consider seeking assistance from a licensed helping professional—a certified counsellor, social worker or psychologist.
Conclusion
Share your dreams with your special somebody and especially yourself. Allow your unconscious self to tell its story and have a voice. Dreams provide a glimpse into our lost aspects. Did I mention my Aunt Leona?
Sleep tight, dear readers, I wish you sweet dreams ahead!
It was a pleasant enough social gathering with a diverse mix of guests engaged in light, casual conversation. A young man began to describe how his life would be transformed, fixed, and truly perfect, if only . . . he would be happyif only he landed his dream job with an annual salary of $130,000. He presently earns $95,000. He is probably caught in the more money trap!
I feel concern when people earn a salary well above the poverty level and yet believe they do not have enough. They speak with a longing, of hanging their happiness on having more money, and even more money!
Having more than enough money and living the high life have become the symbols of success in today’s world. The internet is filled with stories and tools about how to easily and quickly get rich.
Growing up in a rural community, I learned differently. The benchmarks of success were doing an honest day’s work, having enough to eat, and being loved. Other qualities I was taught to strive for were acting with honesty, kindness, and helpful purpose. But I also learned about the distress of not being able to pay for basic necessities.
The neighbors called us poor. Mother used to reconstruct our coats from the church rummage sales. As a teenager, I saved enough money to buy my first store-bought coat. When I walked into the house proudly wearing it, my mother burst into tears and cried out, “It will need to be dry cleaned! Didn’t you know we can’t afford that?”
Money and Happiness Research
So, yes, in some instances money can buy happiness, even if it’s for a brief, fleeting moment. And, yes, it can move those who are disadvantaged to a situation of stability. But the idea that more money equals more happiness is questionable.
Here are summaries of research findings:
Those who have little money feel happy when they access extra money. They then have the choice to purchase desired items besides paying for their basic needs. The wealthier someone becomes the more difficult it is to experience the thrill of the next and then the next purchase. Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton, Princeton University
The picture changes once our basic needs are met:
– Spending money on others brings more happiness than spending it on ourselves.
Elizabeth Dunn, University of British Columbia
– Spending money on experiences such as travel creates more lasting happiness. Experiences stick more with us than the latest items we have bought. Possessions become out-of-date and forgotten, just like your cassette player.
Ryan Howell, San Francisco State University
But the last two points do not work if an individual is burdened with debt. Living expenses need to be covered, an emergency fund saved for, and a retirement plan put in place. Without these conditions, giving away money and financing adventures are problematic. They will only add to financial stress and put happiness down the toilet.
Ryan Howell, San Francisco State University
Thirty-two percent of Canadian employees report financial stress. The 2019 Eckler Survey on Financial Wellness. Imagine how much higher that percentage is for those who are unemployed.
Personal financial management is thus crucial to your life happiness and resilience. Poorly managed finances can cause significant stress. If you struggle with how to manage your money, consider these perspectives:
Three Perspectives for Your Financial Resilience
What the banking industry tells us is that the number of North Americans who have little financial savvy is staggering. It is estimated by the Bank of Canada that the average Canadian has a debt of over $20,000 (excluding mortgages). If you earn money and spend money, learn how to handle it! Read MoneySenseonline articlesand books such as Moolala: Why Smart People Do Dumb Things with Their Money – and What You Can Do About It written by Bruce Sellery, Canadian business journalist and past co-host of the TV show, Million Dollar Neighbourhood.
What my hubby has always practiced and preached is that being fiscally responsible is vital to financial success. He has repeatedly told our children, “It does not matter how much money comes into your hands. You will do financially well only if you spend less than you earn.” We all need to be prepared for a rainy day; the day the basement floods, the stock market crashes, or the children need braces.
What my neighbor Izora Fraser has lived day in and day out for all of her 97 years is a life made meaningful by means other than money. Izora has been our neighbor for over 27 years. She is loved by all and lives in our community’s most modest home. Years ago, while catching a glimpse of her through our living room window, I was struck by her simple, yet joyful way of living. Here is my effort in capturing and describing my view of her life:
Izora Walks in Blessings
Rubber boots, curlers gripping whited hair,
Under a well-worn bandanna,
Trudging steadily behind
Her scrappy and feeble dog. Freely, slowly, living
The moment with:
Open sky,horizon, poplars tall,
Crunchofsnow,and a neighbor acknowledged.
As far as I know, Izora Frazer has never wanted more money. Rather, she has wanted more life in her day and she has succeeded year after year to become very rich in this respect.
You and your dear one are discussing what to prepare for dinner. Suddenly your heart races and your fists clench. You are ready to fight, run or collapse. Your dearest is now the enemy! YIKES! You are now in the depth of an emotional trigger! Most of have been there!
Repeatedly, when people ask, “What happened? Why did I say or do that?” the answer is,
You got triggered!”
Bless my client for giving me permission to change some details and share an email of distress. My client describes an episode of getting lost in an emotional trigger. Some call it losing control or being triggered while others use the phrase emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated. Dr. Dan Segal calls it Flipping Your Lid.
My client’s story illustrates how a simple interaction can escalate to an emotional trigger to name calling, and then to emotional wounding. It also demonstrates what happens when two people are emotionally dysregulated at the same time. It is as if there is no brain nor adult in the space. Using this scenario, I will weave in observations of the stress response, emotional triggers, and the dynamics of the drama triangle roles of blamer, rescuer, and victim.
Here is the edited email with my comments in brackets. Note: details are changed for anonymity.
A Story of Emotional Triggers
Tommy (adult son) and I went to do errands. We were at the mall because he had something to pick up. Then he said he was hungry and was going to go to Wendy’s to get something to eat until dinner was ready. I said I was not going to pay for him to eat at Wendy’s. (She is assuming that Tommy expects her to pay. Or she and he have a pattern or an unspoken agreement that Mom will automatically cover expenses. In that case, she has just announced she is no longer participating in the pattern or in their unconscious agreement.)
I also said that he had all afternoon to make himself something to eat and that I didn’t have that opportunity. I said I was hungry too. (She is triggered and speaks from the position of a victim. ‘Poor me, I didn’t eat.’) Well, maybe he was hungry but there is always something to eat at our house. (Here, she is defending in her head that she is responsible for Tommy’s happiness and should be providing food for him. She may have moved to the role of rescuer.) He and I went back and forth saying things like, ‘Everything is frozen at home’ and ‘We can pick up something at the grocery store’. On and on! (Tommy is probably playing the victim role. ‘Poor me. I don’t get to eat’.)
After we had a string of snarly, quick, and sharp comments, he walked away from me. (This line confirms that my client and Tommy are moving around the Drama Triangle). I stayed where I was for a few minutes then walked to him to say, ‘I’m leaving!’ We were tense with one another. But he followed me out to the car. After we got home, I went into another room. He warmed up some leftovers, ate, and went downstairs. (When we feel out-of-control we tend to fight, flee or freeze. Both, my client and Tommy are fleeing the presence of one another, what they perceive, to be the source of their stress.)
Later, he came upstairs and said, ‘Sorry’. (Tommy has got his pre-frontal cortex back in place. Maybe he used breathing or some other self-calming strategy.) I said I was sorry too and said that I was only making suggestions on what we should do for dinner. (My client began well by taking responsibility for her contribution to the conflict by saying ‘I’m sorry’. Then she moved into defending her end of the conflict, and moved into the role of blamer as if to say, ‘I was only trying to do what was right, which makes you wrong’.)
Then Tommy started explaining that when we were in the mall I talked too much and when he tried to say something, I was sharp with him. (Now Tommy is, again, triggered and defending himself. He is now in the blamer role as if to say, ‘It’s your fault we are having this conflict’. He may have a childhood wound about making mistakes.)
Then he turned around and went back downstairs. I went downstairs after him. He looked at me and said something like, ‘I came to say I was sorry to you and you brought up the mall, and only want to argue. F#$@$% you! I need a break from you’. (Tommy is still emotionally dysregulated and, again, in the blamer role. He uses emotionally and abusive language. Of course, this is a big trigger for my client.) I said, ‘Well! F#$@$% you too!’ (Both son and mom are in the blamer role, big time, and wounding one another) and went upstairs.
I fell to pieces and felt again as if I were dead. (The sensation of ‘as if dead’ is the freeze or collapse response to stress. It is as if we say, ‘I give up!’). If I were dead, I wouldn’t be feeling so sad, hurt, and alone.”
More Insight into Emotional Triggers
It may surprise you to know, I like and appreciate the end of my client’s message. Here is an explanation.
She ends with authentic feelings. This is exciting for me. When I first met this client her awareness of emotions consisted of “I feel pissed off!” Here she demonstrates awareness. She notices that she wants to collapse as if dead while acknowledging she feels sad, hurt, and alone. She allows herself to feel uncomfortable, painful, and unfamiliar feelings. Allowing herself to feel vulnerable opens her to healing.
Additionally, the mere fact that my client has calmed down enough to write and forward her message to me indicates she is observing herself. The observer is never wounded. Plus, she is reaching out for support; a darned healthy and resiliency strengthening act!
My client now knows she wants love and connection with her son. In this scenario, Tommy was not able to give it. She can learn to get love and connection in healthy ways, particularly with herself. Then she will be fully alive!
I told her, “Those feelings just are. They tell you the core of who you are. They can’t hurt you, unless you are afraid of them. The more you feel them, talk about them, and cry with them, the less they will overwhelm you. Embrace them like a crying baby. You will begin to feel happier and more connected, at least to yourself, and eventually to others.”
Become Aware of Your Emotional Triggers and Needs
Most of us have an emotional trigger or hot button. When it gets pushed it sets us into a gush of feelings; often resentment, anger, fear, powerlessness or hopelessness. The source of our triggers may be having our values violated, or more often an incident that reminds us of a conscious or unconscious traumatic incident. You are triggered if you impulsively say and act in ways you regret.
Emotional triggers indicate that our emotional needs are not being met. We often seek our emotional needs from others or the outside world. Tommy, a grown man, wanted his mother to feed him. I suspect he was seeking to meet an underlying emotional need. She wanted love, connection, and appreciation. Neither of them was aware of, nor articulated, those needs.
Are you aware of what your emotional needs are? Keep your awareness open for longing for attention, independence, safety, peace, appreciation, being right, valued, being in control, and the ever-complicated state of happiness.
Like my client, if you value your relationships, seek out professional support. Don’t risk creating unnecessary and painful dynamics. Explore your emotional triggers. Remember, the next time you ask, “What just happened?” the answer just might be, “Someone’s emotional triggers were fired.”
Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down.” Natalie Goldberg
Stress Research
Not long ago stress researchers made a significant discovery. We can reduce our distress and age indicators by attending to our body on a regular basis. The Canadian Stress Institute offers more that 300 body stress indicators. Look at Listen to Your Body inventory.
Then the question arises, “What do I do with that stress in my body?” Many people take time off from work, make appointments for a massage (still a good idea), and hang on until their next holiday (not a good idea).
But researchers suggest something else. Very recently new research stated Being Active is Good for Your Health, Sitting Too Long Isn’t. This information from the Swedish School of Sport and Health Sciences emphasized the dangers of sitting without movement for prolonged periods of time. Their recommendation is to do some movement every 45 minutes.
Tighten and Release Your Stress
Add this: after locating strain in your body systematically Let Go. Check in regularly throughout the day and release tension. Do this at least every 45 minutes. The Canadian Institute of Stress found . . .
short amount of time each day to be good to themselves reduced their stress levels by almost half.
This be good to themselves or releasing can be called 30 Second Quickies. They take 30 seconds or less to do. Start with the following list and discover other small ways to take care of yourself intermittently throughout your day.
Here is a short list of 30 Second Quickies
Do a neck & shoulder roll
Shake your right hand, then your left hand
Stretch up, down, left & right
Drink a glass of water
Watch a breath go in and out
Tighten your teeth & then relax your jaw
Massage your scalp
Brush your teeth
Squeeze your face in to a prune shap
Yell (especially into a pillow or in your car)
Rub lotion on your hands & anywhere else on your body
Get or give a hug
There are many ways to relax and manage stress. Bubble baths are one of my favorite.
Here are ten more simple ideas to manage stress.
10 Ways to Manage Stress
Use No the world’s most powerful stress management word.
Ask yourself if your situation is really distressful or just a healthy challenge?
Accept that change now and then is needed for more than the goldfish bowl.
Think of yourself dealing with your challenges like a rubber band, giving yourself enough stretch to give meaning to your life but enough slack to avoid snapping, cracking or breaking.
Find your best rhythms for working. Night owls put in the same number of productive hours as their sunrise cousins. People have no reason to judge and use the word lazy for either the night owl or the morning lark.
Avoid comparing yourself to others as it causes needless distress. Robust Roberta has four children, is employed full-time, volunteers regularly and her hubby calls her “hottie.” She can do it. She wants to do it. She does it with ease. You decide for yourself how much active time and down time you need.
Go slow before taking a two-week holiday on a remote island with your family, It may be the last experience you need.
Pay attention to the beat of your most listened to music. Does it support chaos, invasion, lightness, tears, smiles or calm?
Avoid being a rat. Lilly Tomlin said, “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still going to be a rat.”
Reach out to real friends to ask for help and soften your life crashes.
Take on your stress! Manage your stress from 30 seconds to a lifetime.
In 1990, Martin Seligman released his groundbreaking book, Learned Optimism:How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. I have occasionally been accused of behaving Pollyannaish or overly optimistic, his work is of interest to me. If you have ever wondered if you lean towards optimism, which in itself is a great way to relieve stress; or if you lean towards pessimism, which is an effective way to increase stress, I encourage you to read on.
Overview:
Those with a more pessimistic attitude tend to call those with optimism naïve and out of touch with reality. Meanwhile, those with a hefty dose of optimism tend to experience their pessimistic friends as discouraging and gloomy. My favoritism may show in the following and I admit it delights me to have my bias confirmed.
Basic Concepts:
When Life Goes Badly
Seligman describes pessimism as a habit of explaining painful life happenings as permanent, all-encompassing and personal. Pessimists use words like “always” and “never.” (“I’ll never succeed. I’ll always be at the bottom of the garbage bin.”) Their optimistic neighbor, with the mantra of, “This too shall pass,” speaks with words like “sometimes” and “recently.” (“Hey, so what? I sometimes make mistakes, but I learn from them.”) Some people find optimists a tad irritating. While pessimists tend to generalize their disappointments (“All politicians are crooked.”), optimists focus on specific incidents of displeasure (“Bill Clinton lied to us about his zipper being zipped.”).
When Life Goes Merrily
The pessimistic explanation for happiness is temporary. (“Ah, it was a fluke. My competitor didn’t know what she was doing, so I got the contract.”) That’s when optimists give a permanent explanation based on their character or abilities. (“With my talent, uniqueness, flexibility and charming character, I will continue to attract clients.”) Did I mention that optimists can be a tad irritating? But so can pessimists. It is a problem when any strength or quality is taken to an extreme.
As Seligman states, “The optimistic explanatory style for good events is opposite that for bad events. The optimist believes that bad events have specific causes, while good events will enhance everything he does; the pessimist believes that bad events have universal causes and that good events are caused by specific factors.”
Internal versus External
Seligman describes how pessimists tend to internalize responsibility when circumstances are negative. (“They think they are worthless, talentless, and unlovable.” They say things like, “I’m stupid. It’s all my fault.”) Meanwhile, those with optimism tend to blame other people or circumstances outside themselves. (“They are so stupid; they don’t know a good thing when they see it.”)
The danger of extreme optimism is the tendency to avoid responsibility for one’s part in an unsuccessful event. Interestingly, in this facet of human behavior, I tend to think and act pessimistically by accepting more responsibility for an event than is warranted. To pessimistically take on inappropriate responsibility in the extreme is a sure formula for depression.
If given the chance, Seligman and I would vote for optimism. Consider the following:
Pessimism encourages depression, therefore is associated with a weak immune system.
Pessimism feels down—blue, sad, worried or anxious.
Pessimism can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because pessimists tend not to create or face challenges, they fail more frequently—even when success is possible.
Seligman says, “The best thing one can say about a pessimist is that his fears were founded.”
Optimism encourages happiness, therefore is associated with vitality.
Optimism feels up—hopeful, confident and cheerful.
Optimism needs restraint when the cost of failure of a choice is clearly too high. There are times we need to slow down and look at reality. A little dose of pessimism adds to being realistic.
8 Optimistic How-To’s:
Realize your beliefs are just that—beliefs. They may or may not be factual.
Ask if your beliefs are useful and supportive to the kind of life you want to live.
Argue with yourself. Say, “Stop!” to pessimistic self-talk and replace with some optimistic thinking. “I know enough. I do enough.”
Ask, “What’s the worst that could happen? Do I have a strategy to deal with that outcome?” If not, create one.
Do something for those who are less fortunate.
Develop your optimism muscle by seeing the bright side. Change Bad News into Good News. “I don’t like the extra weight on my hips but now there’s more of me to love.”
Count your blessings.
Hope for a great today and a better tomorrow.
Martin Seligman Quotes:
“Although there are clear benefits to learning optimism—there are also dangers.”
“We want people to own up to the messes they make, to be responsible for their actions. However, depressed people often take much more responsibility for bad events than is warranted.”
“How you think about your problems, including depression itself, will either relieve depression or aggravate it.”
“A failure or a defeat can teach you that you are now helpless, but learned helplessness will produce only momentary symptoms of depression—unless you have a pessimistic explanatory style.”
“We all become momentarily helpless when we fail. We feel sad, the future looks dismal, & putting out any effort seems overwhelmingly difficult.”
“If your level of pessimism can deplete your immune system, it seems likely that pessimism can impair your physical health over your whole life span.”
“If the cost of failure is high, optimism is the wrong strategy.”
“Learned optimism works not through an unjustifiable positivity about the world but through the power of non-negative thinking.”
“Each time you face adversity listen carefully to your explanations of it. If pessimistic, actively dispute them.”
Summary:
Optimists and pessimists have been around since Noah. Was he a pessimist to believe the flood was coming; or was he an optimist to believe his idea of an ark would help all those critters? Optimists are definitely known for their action and hope.
Her style is down-home, intelligent, compassionate, and deeply personal. Those who can not tolerate seeing others full blown authentic, vulnerable or emotionally transparent, will feel uncomfortable with her work and writing. Yet, in a world full of loneliness, disconnection, misunderstanding, anger, discrimination, and judgment, her message provides a healing anecdote.
Overview:
In Daring Greatly, Brown explores vulnerability including the courage, resilience, and willingness to experience it. She also explores our fear, avoidance, and shame around being vulnerable; plus the loss of our connections, integrity, and love by doing so.
In defining vulnerability Brown writes:
I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”
So, Brown explores the concept of vulnerability and its role in fostering courage, connection, and innovation. She argues that embracing vulnerability and being willing to take risks, even in the face of potential failure or criticism, is essential for personal growth and meaningful relationships.
The title of the book was inspired by a quote by Theodore Roosevelt, in which he emphasizes the importance of being in the arena of life, even if one faces failure, rather than being a spectator who never takes risks.
Throughout the book, Brown discusses how vulnerability is often misunderstood as weakness, but it is actually a source of strength. She highlights the ways in which shame and fear can prevent us from fully engaging in life and forming deep connections with others. Brown provides insights into how to cultivate a sense of worthiness and self-acceptance, which are crucial for leading a fulfilling life.
Brown also delves into the idea that vulnerability is a prerequisite for creativity and innovation. Individuals and organizations can create a culture that encourages openness and risk-taking, which can lead to greater success and fulfillment. Through research, personal anecdotes, and practical advice, Brown presents a compelling case for how vulnerability can lead to a more meaningful and wholehearted life.
Basic concepts:
Much of our North American culture is shame-based. We risk being shamed if and when we dare to show our vulnerability. We risk being shamed by even being ‘ordinary’. We blame and are blamed. We compare and are compared. There is always someone being and doing ‘better’. Then we stop listening and disengage from to one another.
We repeatedly end up believing we are not ‘enough’, not good enough, not thin enough, or not smart enough.
There are many myths about vulnerability. It is often perceived as a weakness. Yet, it takes courage to show our insecurities and mistakes, and sometimes our accomplishments.
Other than sociopaths we all experience the emotion of shame.
When we protect ourselves from being vulnerable we avoid it by perfectionism, numbing our emotions, seeing ourselves as a victim or other defensive tendencies.
Brown recommends we embrace our vulnerabilities and build shame resilience as we parent, teach and lead.
Brene´ Brown Quotes:
“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary.”
“I know the yearning to believe that what I’m doing matters and how easy it is to confuse that with the drive to be extraordinary.”
“The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness.”
“Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable.”
“We have confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities.”
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.”
“My vulnerability prayer . . . Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.”
“We need to feel trust to be vulnerable and we need to be vulnerable in order to trust.”
“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.”
“We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.”
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
“Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.”
“Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorder, and bullying.”
“The act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person could be more damaging than the actual event.”
“Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary … Be grateful for what you have. . . Don’t squander joy.”
“We can’t give people what we don’t have. Who we are matters immeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be.”
May some of Brene´Brown’s wisdom help you know the value of vulnerability andDaring Greatly!
A few years ago, I organized a national Canadian Mother’s Day writing contest calledWOW MOM: Honoring Resilient Mothers. Contestants wrote a tribute to a mom. Five objective readers decided the top winners who were given prizes worth over one thousand dollars. The top eight entries are below.
I hope these tributes inspire you to write a tribute to someone who nurtured you. It might not be your biological mother. Consider this perspective from one of my resiliency mentors, Nan Henderson who wrote, Resiliency in Action:
On this Mother’s Day I want to emphasize (from the resiliency research) that SO many traumatized, abused, and distressed children and youth are helped by the “mothering” they receive from their teachers, bus drivers, cafeteria workers, neighbors, pastors, coaches, counselors, extended family members and others in their life who show them caring, support, and love. True mothering – no matter what the source – heals.”
FIRST: Confessions to my Mother
My mother was 29 years old when the police came to her door at three a.m. to tell her that her husband was in a work-related accident at the factory where he was working the night shift. He suffered serious head trauma and died the next day.
With two young children, she took control of her fate and boldly did what she knew how to do. There was no option. As a woman who had never learned to read or write English she supplemented her meager monthly Workman’s Compensation pension by caring for children during the day and sewing for clients at night; all so that she could be at home to take care of us. She is a proud and dignified woman and never took a hand-out or a dime from anyone. She just figured it out somehow. We never went hungry and were always well-dressed and well-loved.
Like most mother/daughter relationships, we have consistently loved each other and driven each other crazy at the same time. We’ve always worked things out and been there for each other. I have not always told her how much I appreciated her because, quite frankly, I spent too much time being her child while around her. It is time to share some heartfelt sentiments.
Dear Mom,
I admire your strength. You have had a difficult life and yet remain one of the most resilient people I know. I admire your love and acceptance. You love everyone for exactly who they are, making extraordinary efforts to make sure your love is felt. I admire how well you take care of yourself. You know how important it is to stay healthy to maintain your quality of life. I admire what a wonderful friend you are. You are always there for people with kind words or a listening ear. I really do want to be just like you. I’m starting to have the same facial expressions as you. Some of my habits are strangely similar to yours. My Christmas cookies will never taste as good as yours and I will admit that I have given my children every piece of advice you have ever given me, even though I rejected it at the time.
You are a wonderful mother and friend. I’m glad you are mine.
Four years ago, on New Year’s Day, Tracey’s daughter, Cassidy, was in a terrible snowmobile accident. I knew Tracey was strong. She had weathered a few storms in her life but the strength she showed during this time while putting on the face for her family and friends, was beyond what I could imagine anybody doing.
Cassidy had fallen off the back of the snowmobile and was knocked unconscious. She was airlifted to our Children’s Hospital over 210 kilometers away. She never regained consciousness for almost a month. During that time, Tracey did what any mom would do. She sat vigil for her daughter and kept a resolute calm for her husband and son. But she also did the unimaginable; she smiled, she laughed, she did her makeup and her hair, she wore bright colors, she hugged and she stayed true to Cassidy.
Yes, Tracey cried, and she shook. She was shattered and she melted, but when she faced daily visitors, doctors, her parents and sisters, her husband and son, she shone. It was amazing to watch, and I felt sad. It seemed, the wrong way around; we should have held her up! But, that is not Tracey’s way.
Cassidy opened her eyes and spoke, “My nose is itchy”. Slowly, she walked and came back to life. Tracey had waited, and then, she broke. But, like Cassidy, she made a full recovery.
This is the short version of the story. The best part of the story is, Tracey is still Tracey. She is the person who brings a Smoothie to your house when you have a cold; the friend who holds another friend’s hand when their head is being shaved; the competitive team mate; the daughter who is still the sparkle in her parents’ eyes at age 49; the Big sister whose heart knows no bounds; the crazy, embarrassing mom whose two kids who love her zest for life; the wife who holds her husband up when his little girl is laying lifeless in his arms and showers him with love. She is a ray of sunshine and I get to be, like many others, a small part of the garden she shines upon and makes grow.
Sharon Evans, Winnipeg, Manitoba in honor of her friend, Tracey
THIRD: Rosie Endures
How much can one human being endure in a lifetime? It depends on the human being.
I was nineteen when the phone rang and my grandmother said, “So you don’t have a father anymore.” The words tore into my heart like a knife. My dad, Harry, and my mom, Rosie, had just returned home from a vacation. Dad was 55 and died of a heart attack.
Having no father for me, meant Rosie was without a husband, a man she was with for 30 years. It was not a perfect marriage, but they created five children and gave us everything we needed.
Rosie was an attractive woman, outgoing and with a great sense of humor. While she did not focus on worldly issues (The National Enquirer was her primary source of news), she was upbeat and positive. With those attributes, it was not long before she met Hymie, and married him.
Hymie was a funny little man, successful in the army surplus business. With all his quirks and peculiarities, we loved Hymie for 13 years before he dropped dead in his kitchen, also of a heart attack. I remember Rosie sobbing uncontrollably after his death, and saying, “What is it about me that makes my husbands leave me?” By reaching out to family, celebrating Hymie’s life, and staying positive, Rosie moved on.
If burying two husbands wasn’t enough, Rosie went through the worst of all nightmares, losing two of her children while she was still alive. My brother Errol died from leukemia at 44, and my sister Mona crashed alone in her car at 62 years of age. After all that, Rosie was down, but not out. She refused to give up on life.
Now at 98 years of age, Rosie has few of her faculties remaining. Still, every once in a while she gets that glint in her eye cracks a big smile, and a joke or two. How much can one human endure in a lifetime? If you are Rosie, an awful lot.
Fear rushes through my veins as my phone vibrates beside my computer. What will the principal say this time? Did she slam a door? Did her social deficits cause a fight with a peer? Did she shut herself in her locker again? Is she crying?
Oh. It is only a text. My heart roars in my ears as I recover from my own paranoia. I get up and guzzle a glass of cold water, eat a snack, pour a coffee. Shake off the fear. Dive back into work.
The phone buzzes. My pulse ratchets up. I close my eyes and wait because a notification will silence after two buzzes.
It doesn’t silence. I snatch up the phone, barely identify the school’s number before I swipe the screen.
“Hello?”
Her voice is soft. “Hi, Mom.” Whew. It’s not the principal. I press my hand to my slamming heart. “Hi, honey. What’s up?”
“Um,” she says. I hold my breath. Will I need to pick her up for disruptive behavior? Explain her deficits to a sub again? I eye my keys on the key hook.
“You okay, kiddo?” I prompt her when all I hear for a while is breathing.
“Yeah,” she says. “I dropped my sandwich on the floor and can’t eat it. But I took deep breaths and did not scream.”
I sagged back in my chair with relief. “Oh. Can you ask your teacher for a piece of fruit to hold you over until you get home?”
“I’m not allowed to take other people’s food, Mom.”
This is my black-and-white, concrete-thinking child. A grin edges across my lips. “If a teacher offers you food, it’s not taking from them.”
“Oh.”
“Is that okay, then?”
“Yeah, sure. Bye!”
After she hangs up, I stare at my phone. My smile widens, and my heart tingles with pride. She didn’t slam, kick, or throw. She called me instead.
I draw deep, calming breaths. One good day at a time . . . for both of us.
Naomi Davis, Cayley, Alberta in honor of mothers whose children live with disabilities
Am I a Good Mother?
Sometimes we mothers wonder, “Am I a good mother?”
I recently realized my grown daughters are messy. Their shoes and clothes are strewn about their houses. There always seems to be dirty dishes on the counter. Their laundry is rarely all done and put away.
Bemoaning their habits, I declared “I have failed as a mother!” A good friend asked me if my adult children’s neatness is a true measure of my parental success. (Pause) No.
THIS is how I gauge my success as a parent: my children are decent human beings.
They share their meager wealth with their friends and family. They are generous.
I once was walking with my, then, late-teen daughter when the elderly woman in front of us tripped and fell to the ground. My daughter sprang into action and in a blink of the eye, lifted the woman, brushed off her clothes and gathered her spilled groceries. When I commented she replied, “What if that were Grandma?” They are decent.
This spring one daughter’s friend longed to visit her dying mother one last time but could not afford the flights to Ontario. My other daughter had a pass for two flights and gave them to her sister’s friend. They are compassionate.
I once regretted that my daughters came from a broken home. About 15 years ago they told me that they did not consider themselves growing up in a broken home but from a happy home. They are loving.
The mother of my Grandtoys often foregoes housework to ride bikes, play games or sing and dance with her girls. They have priorities.
I love my wise, beautiful daughters. Being their mom has been, bar none, my greatest life experience, my most significant life purpose and my most satisfying accomplishment.
When their father became ill over 30 years ago, I knew my only job was to prepare my children for adulthood, in case they lost me, too. It wasn’t easy but I did my job. My daughters are decent human beings.
When I first met Deanne (last name), I could never have predicted the profound impact she would have, not only in my life but the lives of many others.
While working on her Master’s thesis in Education, she chose to write a play on LBGTQ awareness in high schools. The protagonist was a young teacher trying to deal with the constraints and issues that teachers now face in modern classrooms in Alberta, such as religious, cultural, and administrative objections and obstacles – all while pregnant!
When her play was performed by a cast of diverse students for Calgary teachers and administrators, several students wrote to Deanne afterward to tell her how much her play had meant to them, and how it had helped them with their own struggles.
These days, Deanne lives the message in her play. She teaches high school English in an overcrowded classroom, tutors part–‐time, and, working with the Calgary Board of Education and the Calgary Sexual Health Centre, advocates for LBGTQ awareness, Gay Straight Alliance education and implementation into the school system.
As a teacher, she recognizes the inequity of behavior towards LBGTQ students and the effect this bullying has upon them, including higher suicide rates. Deanne is an amazing mother, consciously bringing a sense of love, comfort, joy, and empowerment to her own two children, three year old, Josh and 18 months old, Inara, and her husband, Aaron.
She is also a phenomenal friend. I am awed by the way she makes time to help and discuss presentations and writing projects with me, as well as creating a safe space and offering an ear to any issues I may want to explore with her. I am blessed to know her.
My life is unequivocally better for having her in it, and I am by far not the only one who feels so. I think the photo included of her son and husband watching her march in the Gay Pride parade says it all!
Tarra Riley, Calgary, Alberta in honor of her friend, Deanne Barrett
Moms! How Special Are They?
Moms! How special are they,
with all that time spent helping their children grow every day;
A little more we flourish in every way,
because of a Mother’s devotion along the way?
Mentor to not only me but many you would influence in everything you do,
awards, letters of recognition and even the Queen’s medal was given to you;
Outstanding is how everyone always remembered all you did,
to me I was always so proud just to be your kid;
Thankful that you were always there supporting and guiding me,
because I grew up to grow wings that continue to set me free;
Honored you taught me about all in this world I would explore,
believe it or not this insight prepared me to never close a door;
Encouragement by you was fundamental to who your children have become,
you would be so proud, we are also now both like you, a great Mom;
Reminiscence always of the exceptional moments we shared,
Mom your girls are now amazing women because you always cared.
Moms, how special are they, to us you were elite in every way;
A little more you are missed as each new moment goes by,
we’ve dedicated this to you, Mom, it is so hard for us to say goodbye.
Connie Cook, Calgary, Alberta in honor of her mother, Gail Potter-Ko
Best Friend and Super Mom
Not long ago when we met so young, at work and at play we always had fun.
There for one another – had each other’s back, who knew there would be a life-long reason for that?
How amazing our stories came to be, somewhat mirrored and handled with grace, did we.
The illnesses and challenges you overcame, somehow you never viewed as a dark cloud, dear friend, how could I not be proud?
Forthright we met things head on, I am grateful our Mothers prepared us to be strong.
I’ll never forget your call that day, friend, I need you right away.
Suddenly our lives became even more like one another’s, as now we would also share being single Mothers.
Shift, life again all new, alone with baby, feelings, responsibilities, who knew? Both made decisions as Mothers often do, do what it takes, just to get through.
Yesterday, we didn’t have the support they receive today, but you made the best of Motherhood anyway.
You were always a best friend, really more of a Sister, but life threw in another twister.
Motherhood, everyday life, a great man, who would make you his wife.
There came a time as often friendships do, our lives got complex and separated for what seemed like a moment or two.
Our path reconnected, sharing stories, laughing again, the best part for me was seeing through your daughter’s eyes what a great Mom you became.
There’s no app for that, friend, you’ve got Motherhood down pat.
Today’s teenage girls handle more than they should have to bear, because of your loving devotion, your girl knows you’re always there.
A poem dedicated to you – teacher, supporter, adviser to mention a few, equipping your daughter to value the beauty inside, what a great mother are you!
Always my best friend, you know too much we always say, honored am I today. Sharing you’re an amazingly resilient mother, truly, like no other.
Connie Cook, Calgary, Alberta in honor of her friend, Michele Coughlin-Palmer
While happiness is a desirable emotional state, compassion and empathy are developed through opportunities to feel disappointment, sorrow and pain. Parents weaken their children’s resilience when they protect them from experiencing the uncomfortable consequences of life’s hard bits. Consequently, I invited parents to resign from believing or attempting to make happy children.
I am not referring to keeping children out of harm’s way, injustice, bullying or other potentially wounding experiences. I am referring to the many parents who believe it is their duty to make their children happy. They feel anxious when their children feel and express any feeling other than happy. Consequently, those parents become emotionally hijacked by their children’s emotional state.
Children need to experience normal ups and downs and age appropriate struggles. Being wrapped up in a protective cocoon does not allow the caterpillar to struggle its way out. It impedes the growth of a beautiful butterfly. Likewise, this is true for children.
Avoid Over-Indulgence
In this unconscious commitment to ‘making your children happy,’ you end up overindulging them. Family researcher and author of How Much Is Too Much, Jean Illsley Clarke offers this definition:
“Overindulgence is a form of child neglect. It hinders children from performing their needed developmental tasks, and from learning necessary life lessons.”
Do not impede your children’s maturation by:
· doing for them what they can do for themselves, even if they grumble.
· giving them too much. Treating them to the point treating is an expectation.
· rescuing them from consequences that arise from their poor behavior at school, in the community or with playmates.
As a grandmother, I know it is tempting to earn love by indulging. A sprinkle of sugar does little harm while a steady diet of it can impair teeth and health.
Complicating this phenomenon of ‘making happy children’ is the invitation by some parents for their children to treat them as if they were bosom friends. They treat their children as if on equal ground. Children need parents that exercise their experience and wisdom to lead, not be buddy, buddy!. I have heard of parents sharing a toke with their children. Horrors!
Lead Your Family
Children need to know who is the head of the family, who cares enough to set limits and has a sense of firm leadership. On the other hand, there are some parents who would benefit from minimizing their repetitive ‘no’ and adding ‘yes’.
Deciding that all feelings are acceptable and that you are primarily responsible for providing loving care, guidance and structure will free you to say ‘no’ and ‘yes’ when needed and appropriate.
In addition to appropriately saying ‘no’ and ‘yes’ use The Grandmother Rule or After Rule. It sounds like this, “Yes after your homework is done you may play.” I recall saying to our seventeen-year-old son begging for his own car. We said, “Of course you can buy a car. After you save enough money we will help you find a safe one.”
We can start with that premise, that the parent’s role includes that of teacher, guide, counselor, encourager and nurturer rather than a fairy or magic genie that can create happy miracles and lives on another planet. Clearly established rules, guidelines and family values are modeled and led by parents who want children feeling and expressing a range of emotions. Parenting children is not always happy parenting. There are tough decisions to make. Sometimes discipline is required.
Happy Children and Ron Moorish
Ron Morrish in Secrets of Discipline offers this definition of discipline:
“Real discipline’ isn’t some new theory. It simply refers to all the techniques that great parents and teachers use to teach children to be respectful, responsible and cooperative.”
Morrish encourages parents to become the authority figures of their family. He describes how the parenting practice of giving choices for all manner of daily behavior has backfired. There are times we want our children to be compliant.
Moorish points out, we want all citizens compliant to the rules of society, including driving on our roads. Just as you and I stop habitually at the red stop signs, children can be taught to respond consistently to routines and household rules–assuming they are age appropriate and fair.
Establishing rules, directing, and correcting are all actions of the in-charge parent. The following are some tips from Moorish.
Five Rule Ideas from Secrets of Discipline
· Work from more structure to less structure, not the other way around. That means to provide more structure in the younger years. The more responsible children act, the more freedom they earn. Remember, there are responsible twelve-year-olds filling in for parents as babysitters, or as I prefer to call them, child-minders.
· Rules worth having are worth enforcing. Follow-through on rules. If you park under a no-parking sign the chances are good that your car will be towed. If you say you will not drive your child to school if not ready on time, then keep your promise.
· Whenever possible, discipline should end with the correct behavior, not with a consequence.
· Limit children to the choices which are theirs to make.
· If adults won’t say no to children, children won’t say no to themselves.
Consider holding family meetings as a way to lead your family towards cooperation, negotiation, and inclusiveness.
Summary
Instead of making happy children don’t we want children who will feel angry when they see bullying behavior? Don’t we want children to feel afraid when they see a toddler waddling into traffic? Don’t we want children who will feel sad at their grandparent’s funeral? I do!
Let’s agree that all feelings are valid and we want to aim for children who will become healthy and contributing citizens who choose kind, thoughtful and responsible behaviors. And in the moments of family joy and celebration may we experience, happy children.
Every now and then our relationships could benefit from an examination. Of course, it begins with ourselves. We can check our generosity, honesty, kindness, compassion, appreciation, empathy, and love. As was written in the bible, “The greatest of these is love.” Gary Chapman, the family therapist and author of The Five Love Languages, provides a key concept to help us love in the most meaningful way.
Chapman encourages us to discover the ways our family and friends long to receive the message, “You are loved!”
But here is the number one mistake many people make. They use the Golden Rule to guide their interactions. They follow the principle of, Do onto others as you would want done to you. It is easy to figure out what pleases you and then treat others likewise.
However, we are all different, with varying histories, values, circumstances, and preferences. The Platinum Rule reads, Do unto others as they would want done to them. How do you do that? You need to notice their reactions and honor their requests. As Chapman describes, honour and respect the other’s love language.
As children, we all had our basic needs attended to or we would not be here. But many of us have an emptiness that longs to be filled. We can be much more effective in our loving if we learn to fill each other’s well of well-being that meets their love language. Chapman’s book provides a framework for that. But let me first describe an example of what can go sideways when we do not clue into another’s love language.
Misunderstanding Love Preferences
I recall a couple who attended several counseling sessions. They repeatedly had the same argument but they could not figure out how they got there.
He wanted to snuggle, kiss, touch, be touched, and more. You know! He chased her and she would push him away. He criticized how she failed to keep the house tidy and their three children under control. Plus, he criticized her for not being affectionate saying, “you are a cold b#$@%&^. He felt angry and rejected.
She wanted him to pitch in, to share the load of home responsibility and acknowledge all she did for the family. She responded to his request for affection as being “needy like a baby” and would say, “I have enough babies to look after.” She criticized him for avoiding family responsibility and home duties and called him ‘irresponsible.” She felt unappreciated and resentful.
It is easy for us to see the solution. We are detached from their drama. We can see the drama cycle of seeking to be loved. If he took initiative and contributed more to the care of the house and children, she would have time and energy for his need for affection. If she took initiative to create more time for cuddling and lovemaking he would become interested in doing more. She could then request more teamwork, so she was not so tired.
It only takes one person to change the pattern. That pattern can be creatively changed once we have a sense of our loved one’s preference. Here are Chapman’s five love languages:
The Five Love Languages
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Acts of service
Physical touch
Here are examples of how to put these preferences into action:
1. Words of Affirmation
Acknowledge and express appreciation. Notice what is accomplished and contributed, then comment, “Thank you for preparing dinner. I especially liked the mushroom sauce.” Notice what strengths, talents and personality traits you appreciate. “I love how you stay steady when I get all in a stew.” “I feel blessed that you take piano lessons. I get to hear Christmas carols practiced and perfected.” Mary Kay Ash once said, “Everyone wants to be appreciated, so if you appreciate someone, don’t keep it a secret.”
2. Quality Time
The gift of time includes shared activities. Find activities you both enjoy. Go dancing, play games, toboggan down a hill and create some happy memories. If sharing an activity is not mutually enjoyed, support your loved one in his or her passion. You don’t have to go wilderness canoeing to provide a shuttle drive to the river’s edge. Guess what? That is what I do for my hubby, Les. And if you only have time for listening, that may be enough. We all long to be heard, seen and acknowledged. Listen and listen some more. As the philosopher, Paul Tillich wrote, “The first duty of love is to listen.”
3. Receiving Gifts
The year my Dad gave Mom a pool table for Christmas was memorable but for the wrong reason. Each year our aunt makes donations in our names for an environmental cause. Those of us who value preserving our natural heritage deeply appreciate her gesture. People often feel most loved when they are given something of deep meaning. At my Master’s degree graduation, my Mom gave me a little box that contained her great-great Aunt Mary’s ruby ring. I still thrill at it sitting on my finger. Relate your gift to your loved one’s values.
4. Acts of Service
Gifts of effort can be of immense help and significance. I received two significant support gifts at the time of our dear daughter-in-law, Chandra’s death. My friend CoraMarie took me to dress shops to help me find an appropriate outfit. My friend Linda went up and down the local Safeway aisles helping me buy easy to prepare food for a household of out of town guests. I felt deeply supported and loved.
5. Physical Touch
Hug, kiss and walk holding hands. The skin is the largest organ in the body. It needs nourishing. When guests arrive, greet them and offer a warm embrace. When you first meet people ask, “Do you like to be hugged?” Some people have been physically violated and others are picky about who is allowed in their physical space. But for those who love to hug they intuitively know that touch can enliven their body, mind, and feelings of feeling loved
Summary
How to effectively love another no longer needs to be a mystery. Your love can now be put into conscious action.
Notice what kinds of loving acts, that special person, requests for is delighted to receive.
Also notice what kinds of loving acts trigger feelings of being loved in you!
Then, all that is required is to use Chapman’s five love languages to improve your ability to love and be loved.
If you dread job searching, you are not alone. A young woman, let us call her Jane, emailed me with a request to help her. The majority of her message about looking for a job is below:
Good Morning,
I have always enjoyed your e-newsletters and your positive messages for resiliency. I am also a cheerleader in life! From my church groups where I volunteer to my social and family networks, my can-do attitude always shines through! What I would like is some help in finding my perfect job.
There is a position available and I was wondering if you could think of any other things I could do to make me the successful candidate.
Thanks so much for all you do, Jane
Demonstrate An Upbeat Attitude
Jane has the right attitude. Her email describes a positive and go-getting attitude. She will do well in a good-fit environment. Those who do not land their desired position, or lose it, poorly present themselves. Eighty percent of the time, that is the situation.
You see, employers only interview those with the needed experience and skills, as described in their job posting. Employers interview to check factors such as your likeability, teamwork, & strengths.
Ask for Help
Jane asked for help after giving me an acknowledgment and describing her strengths. Most people want to support go-getters. Get to know who in your circle is willing and capable of giving you wise counsel.
I felt honored when Jane asked me for assistance. I imagine she knew that for several years I was a therapeutic and career counselor for the Contemporary Woman Project.
Ideas to Help Jane and Other Job-Seekers
Prepare and Submit Your Resume and Cover Letter
Based on your work history, decide on what kind of resume to write. Google can help you. Search for chronological, functional, combination, or targeted resume. Find examples and descriptions of these four types of resumes. Choose the best-fit template.
Consider writing a tailor-made resume using as many words and phrases as in the job posting. You will then have a customized resume that speaks to the employer. Hopefully, it screams, THIS is the employee we want!
Also in your cover letter include the same or similar words as used in the employer’s posting. List the experiences and qualifications they seek. Cross out the points that you cannot meet. Stay truthful with this process. Your cover letter might start with sentences and bullet points such as these:
Please consider my enclosed resume as my submission for the position of Nursing Supervisor, Sunrise Senior’s Residence . You will note that my qualifications and experience are a good fit for the position.
My qualifications and skills include:
BA in Nursing
Supervision Mentor
Geriatric Certificate
Proficiency in Word, Excell, and iCareManag
xxxxx
My experience includes:
10 years in the field
2 years as a supervisor
xxxxx
Bonus: Add to your cover letter one qualification, skill or experience that is not on the employer’s criteria list. But one that helps you shine in this job seeking competition.
Prepare for the Interview
Review the posting. Prepare with a mini-story for each qualification, skill, and experience described. Keep the stories short and clear. Copy and paste your Cover Letter list into a separate document. Beside each point write a word or two to remind you of when you demonstrated that criterion. Read this sheet over before your interview. These mini-stories should show that you can handle various situations and responsibilities.
Find a reason to visit the location where you want to work. Perhaps you hand deliver your cover letter and resume. Smile and be friendly to the receptionist. Once you enter the workplace, all people are potential interviewers. Notice how the staff dress. For the interview, plan to dress similarly or one notch up.
Know your strengths. Be able to state them with confidence. If you do not know your strengths, take Martin Seligman’s free and well researched VIA Survey of Character Strengths.
Prepare to answer: What is your strength? Or perhaps the question might be something like: What would you bring to our team? Prepare a short story or demonstration of your strengths. Add them to your list from point one. Here is an example: One of my key strengths is organization. In my last position, I put all necessary procedures to register residents into a simple form. Be prepared to share a second strength.
Prepare to answer, What is your weakness? State your weakness. Then think of how you can give a short explanation of how you have turned it around. Use the past tense. Use the word but to say how you have your weakness under control. Here is an example: Because I like to be organized, I have had a tendency to be a perfectionist. For example, I sometimes want a perfect looking craft room. But I have learned from Recreation Coordinators that it is better to have some creative mess with a reasonable order. Note: Seligman’s Via Survey of Character Strengths will also help you identify your weaknesses. A score will appear with your number one strength at the top. The bottom strength will probably be your weakness. You might also want to read my article/blog on strengths.
In the Interview
Listen carefully to questions and keep your answers contained and focused. Years ago, I lost a dream job opportunity by not containing my answers and not keeping on topic. Yes, I did!
Do not ditz anyone with whom you have previously worked, not even supervisors.
If your personality preference is extroverted, aim to keep your answers shorter than usual. If the interviewees want more information, they will ask.
If your personality preference is strong introversion and you have been told to”Speak up!” push yourself to provide more details.
See if you can find an opening to laugh, preferably at yourself. Those with a sense of humor are welcomed team members. At the same time, be careful about making repeated self-deprecating comments. You do not want to be perceived as incompetent.
Avoid over-apologizing, that is saying you are sorry inappropriately. Women, in particular, have a nervous habit of being sorry.
If a question is not clear ask, “Will you please say that in a different way?” This will help ensure that you will accurately answer what was asked.
Prepare three questions to ask should there be an opportunity to interview the potential employer.
Enter the interview process with an attitude that you are there to explore. You are exploring if this position is really a good fit for you. You are checking them out as much as they are checking you out.
Be as authentic as you can so that you and they feel excited about a win-win decision.
Bonus Job Searching Ideas
The next time you are told, “You have got wonderful qualifications but you do not have enough experience,” consider saying, “Will you help me get that experience? I am so determined to do this work that I will do whatever is necessary. Do you have any volunteer positions in this company? Do you have any contacts that might help me gain more experience?”
When interviewers offer you encouragement or acknowledgment, ask if you can stay in touch. Phone briefly once a month to let them know how your search is going. People typically like to help.
Volunteer to go on a committee or executive of the association of your industry or profession. For example, I served on the executive of the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers, Calgary. You will be perceived as a significant person in your field when you accept a leadership role and fill it well.
Find someone who has the kind of job you want. Interview him or her. People love to talk about their work. Ask them for contacts. Ask them the fastest way to get to a similar position. Ask to shadow them for a day. Pay attention to the names, companies, and contacts that you hear during the day.
If you feel genuinely liked and connected to a leader in your desired field, ask if he or she will mentor you. Most of us like to make a difference. It is an honor.
Write down exactly what kind of employment you are seeking, the title, the responsibilities, the education required and the type of environment. Forward this description to everyone you know.
Make sure you treat finding a job like a job. Promise yourself to do at least 5 actions a day from Monday to Friday—go to a networking event, make three phone calls and get out there.
Feeling frustrated and discouraged is inevitable. Circle yourself with supportive family and friends.
The world needs your gifts. Keep offering. Stay the course. One day you will say, “I landed that job!”
How have you risen above the tough realities and disappointing rejections of job searching? Please share them with me.
Most of us have had our resiliency challenged when we feel resentment for hurtful behavior by others. Perhaps equally as painful is longing for others to forgive our transgressions. Then we are stuck. Those who are wise tell us that our emotional freedom rests in putting forgiveness into action–for ourselves and others! But how?
I have experienced both resentment and longing for forgiveness. Haven’t we all? For years, I struggled to forgive my father for his physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Plus, regardless my experience of it, I struggle with anonymous audience members writing me character attacks in their feedback forms. Comments such as, “Patricia is a loser and a waste of time” are hurtful. On the flip side, I struggle with the moments I let my children down, particularly when I pass on some of my own childhood wounds.
Forgiveness in Action
The movie, When Love is Not Enough, features Lois Wilson, the wife of Alcoholics Anonymous co-founder, Bill Wilson.
Some would argue she repeatedly and inappropriately reconciled with Bill because, in addition to his out-of-control drinking, he was guilty of repeatedly infidelity. By the way the movie does not show this aspect of their relationship. Regardless, she forgave and forgave.
As the mother of a daughter with a long and complicated addiction history and repeated incarceration, the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation is of interest. Our story is thoroughly described in Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions.
Here’s a video with three keys to forgiving:
In addition to my personal experience, I learned key aspects about forgiveness in action during a webinar with Dr. Daniel Klassen, Professor Emeritus, Lakehead University, the founder of The Listening Centre, and a specialist in forgiveness therapy.
Klassen asked, “What is forgiving?” Although he mentions, “Forgiving our own selves and being forgiven,” his lecture focused on three aspects of forgiving others.
Three Aspects of Forgiving Others
The injured person is able to acknowledge an actual wrong that was done to him or her.
The injured person chooses to let go of feeling resentful even when entitled to it. Forgiving is chosen instead of justifiable retribution.
The injured person cancels the debt which the offender created.
Forgiving Does not Mean
An event that takes place at a particular moment. Rather it is a process and an attitude.
Forgetting what happened. Indeed, Klassen says, “It must be remembered.”
Reconciliation: Coming back together with an offender may not be safe. This is particularly true in situations involving offenders who continue to act abusively and have done little or nothing to make amends.
Absolution: My understanding of this word is like a God-given pardon of wrongdoing. Klassen notes that we don’t have the authority.
Condoning: It is not appropriate to explain away the harm done. We are better off to name wrong-doing, learn from it, and grow from the experience.
Denying: All harm is best acknowledged and accepted for what it is.
Unfairness: Forgiving does not ignore justice. There are consequences to our chosen behavior.
Excusing: There are no excuses. When you forgive you are not doing the offender a favor or letting him or her off the hook. It is more as if you are doing yourself a favor; letting go of the weight of resentment.
Klassen went on to describe two categories of offenses that cause us to feel wounded.
1. Belonging Violations
In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, belonging is described as a basic human right after food, shelter, clothing, and safety. Children struggle to survive when they are not attached to a primary caregiver. We all need to feel connected.
Many people still feel resentful years after their divorce because of their human longing. According to Alfred Adler, an Austrian medical doctor and psychologist,
Belonging means you have a place where you are wanted and where you want to be.”
2. Boundary Violations
In her book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine describes how to set healthy limits with your family, co-workers and others. We have personal, family and cultural guidelines around sharing our emotions, physical contact, social behavior, keeping agreements, and acceptable language and conversations. Boundaries give us predictability and a sense of safety.
Cancelling the Debt
When an offender violates our need for belonging or violates our boundaries, the judicial system requires him or her to pay back your debt to society. This usually involves time in jail or providing community service or paying a monetary fine. Just ask my daughter Kelly who spent a portion of her life in prison.
But in our personal relationships, emotional hurt cannot be corrected by some kind of payment in time and money. The only way forgiveness can happen is with a perspective or attitude shift by the injured. The person who was violated is the one who can cancel the debt.
During Tiger Woods’ betrayal of his wife, newspapers and magazines were filled with questions such as “Should Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, forgive him?” “She could walk away with $10 million,” and “Can she ever forgive and forget?”
There is no should nor forgetting to forgiveness. It’s a paradox and this is where many people become stuck. Cancelling the debt may be perceived as giving up or giving in, or that the offender is winning while the wounded is losing yet again. However, while forgiving may not feel fair, neither is living with resentment and deep anger.
As Klassen points out,
Cancelling the debt means that the injurer has nothing to offer you that would further help to close the file. You do not require an apology, nor do you wish the injurer any harm and you don’t owe the injurer anything either.”
Author Annette Stanwick addresses this phenomenon in her bookForgiveness:The Mystery and Miracle. In it she describes meeting and forgiving her brother’s killer.
Forgiving is often about grieving your loss.
Three Steps to Grieve Your Loss
Name your loss. Acknowledge what is missing and how much it hurts.
Note what has been taken as well as what is left.
Define yourself as a whole person rather than only by your betrayal, wound or loss.
Forgiveness Offers These Gifts
Emotional freedom.
A new set of self-care boundaries.
New and deeper life principles.
The ability to know you can bounce back should harm come your way again.
Now that’s resilience!
What is your experience of putting forgiveness into action? Does it jive with Dr. Klassen’s perspective?