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Book Summary: How Much is Enough?

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cover of How Much is Enough?
“We are abusing our children in new ways.  We are diminishing their resilience, their ability to deal with small or large challenges by overindulging them.” Jean Illsley Clarke, author of How Much Is Enough?

This was the basic message Jean Illsley Clarke delivered at a Calgary public seminar.

She and her colleagues have published their findings in How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children by Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D, Connie Dawson Ph.D and David Bredehoft Ph.D.

Overview:

The authors acknowledge that all parents want the best for their children. However, even though many parents are working full tilt and are close to bankruptcy, they still continue to give their children heaps of help and stuff to the point of overindulgence.

With three self-studies and several other studies backing them, the authors propose parents’ excessive indulgence has gone awry as they attempt to protect their children from a mere tear.

Basic Concepts:

Studies on overindulgence helped the authors conclude that we cripple our children’s competence when we:

  1. Do or give too much—too many lessons; too many visits to McDonald’s, Chucky Cheese and Disney World; too many designer clothes; too much entertainment; too many electronics and toys; and too many sweet treats.
  2. Are too soft in our family structure—too slack with guidelines, rules and expectations of contributing, doing chores and keeping agreements.
  3. Too helpful—too often tying their shoes, taking over their responsibilities, and doing for our children what they can do for themselves.

The results of overindulgence are children (and eventually adults) who:

  • feel ungrateful, entitled and helpless.
  • expect immediate gratification, wealth and fame and expect to be the center of attention, if not the universe.
  • act with disrespect, poor self-control and poor boundaries.
  • lack basic life skills, realistic goals and empathy.

Although Clarke and her colleagues do not go in depth about the tenets of responsible parenting they have written many books on it such as the classic Self Esteem: A Family Affair.

Here are some suggestions for you to counteract overindulgence:

  1. Stop. Take a breath. Then turn down invitations to overindulge.
  2. Learn about typical child development so you have realistic expectations.
  3. Realize that enough is good enough. Provide food, shelter, clothing, guidance, and love.  Leave the rest to be given in moderation or to be earned by your child.
  4. Establish family guidelines, routines and structure. Use family meetings to help create structure.
  5. Before taking an action ask, “Is this in my child’s best interest?”

Jean Illsley Clarke Quotes:

  1. “Occasional indulgences add color, pleasure and joy to life.  When those same indulgences become a pattern, however, the result is very different.  This pattern is called overindulgence.”
  2. “Overindulging children is giving them too much of anything that looks good, but hinders them from doing their development tasks and from learning necessary life lessons.  Overindulging adults is giving too much of anything that looks good, but supports their excessive sense of entitlement or lack of competence, responsibility or initiative.”

Summary:

Raising children to be likable, responsible and respectful is no easy undertaking, but steering clear of overindulgence is possible if parents follow the guidelines offered in How Much is Enough.

Please check out these related posts:

How to Deal with an Over-Indulged Adult
How to Resign from Making Happy Children

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you are good enough contrary to not good enough

How to Challenge your ‘Not Good Enough’ Thoughts

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you are good enough contrary to not good enoughToo many of us suffer with as sense that we are not good enough. Recently, three different women friends have prompted me to ponder the subject of believing in our not enoughness or of not doing enough, giving enough or being enough.

The Silent Questions of I Am Not Enough

The silent questions, aligned with not good enough, that some brave people share out loud, are:

  • Am I a good enough mother (or father)?
  • Am I a good enough daughter (or son)? 
  • Am I a good enough friend? 
  • Am I a good enough employee? 
  • Am I a good enough employer?
  • Am I a good enough citizen?
  • Am I wealthy enough?
  • Am I successful enough?
  • Am I smart enough?
  • Am I a good enough speaker and expert?

Many professional speakers, myself included, after receiving harsh (and of course anonymous) criticism, ask ourselves that last question.

Am I questions are very different from Do I questions. When we ask Do I do enough? Do I know enough? Do I give enough? the answers are simply a yes or no. Then we have the option to follow-up with behavior more aligned with our values.

However, sometimes we do more and give more in an unconscious effort to increase our sense of enoughness. Asking if our essence (I AM) is enough is a signal that our self-worth, self-respect and self-concept is suffering. The journalist and author of the book, Passages, Predictable Crises of Adult Life, Gail Sheehy wrote:

Would that there were an award for people who come to understand the concept of enough. Good enough. Successful enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Socially responsible enough. When you have self-respect, you have enough.”

You are Enough!

How to we get to a place of enoughness? The Oxford dictionary defines enough as an adjective meaning adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire.

Most often the word enough is used in the context of challenging our cultural greed for endless consuming.  This craving for material wealth has created a generation of youth, many who walk and talk with a sense of privilege and with a whine of not having enough.  This overindulged phenomenon is well researcher and described in Jean Illsley Clark’s book, How Much is Enough?

You are not enough is an untruth. In the beginning of your life and in the end, we were born enough and continue to be enough!

You are enough!

You are enough and here is why:

10 Reasons You Are Enough

  1. I am is enough on its own. The day you were born you were lovable and whole. You still are. Be careful what you think or say after I am.
  2. You are a human BEing not a human doing. Therefore, who you are enough.
  3. Dogs and cats are enough just as they are. You contribute much more to the world than them. If they are enough, so are you.
  4. You can only do your best and that is enough.
  5. Perfection exists in the eye of the beholder. See yourself as perfectly imperfect and that will be enough.
  6. You are adequate. You are sufficient. You have strengths and gifts and as long as you are using them, that is enough.
  7. Martin Seligman, author of the book, Flourish, and the founder of Positive Psychology, describes one of the keys to authentic happiness as feeling grateful for what you have. I add: feel grateful for who you are with your feelings, beliefs, values, past, accomplishments, future, and dreams—all enough!
  8. Comparing yourself to others who do more, have more, and speak more, diminishes your enoughness.  Compare yourself to where you once were and affirm you are enough.
  9. My mother used to say, “That is a good enough job.” I say, “You are good enough just the way you are.” Of course, you have goals and are open to changing and learning. But in the meantime, know you are lovable and capable as is!
  10. If you are reading this you are a good enough mother, daughter, friend . . . and human BEing.

I sent a little note to one of those friends who questioned her enoughness. It read, “Remember, you give the world more than enough of you and your gifts.” She wrote back, “This means more to me than I can say….thank you.

Develop some self-compassion. The next time the thought, “I’m not enough shows up,” just notice. When you are ready, remind yourself “It’s just a untrue thought.” Know you are enough. You are! In the spirit of taking on the “I am not enough’ thought, consider forwarding this little, but powerful, message forward, You are enough!

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Avoid burn out and compassion fatigue

Do You Care Too Much? Avoid Compassion Fatigue and Burn-out

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Avoid burn out and compassion fatigueThe expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it, is as unrealistic as expecting to walk through water and not get wet.  Rachel Naomi Remen

As a therapist, as well as, sometimes, family caregiver of those with disabilities, there have been times I needed to be aware of compassion fatigue. I would hear a little voice saying, “Make some space and time for yourself, Patricia”.

Definition of Compassion Fatigue

WordReferrence.com defines compassion fatigue as a lack of sympathy for suffering, as a result of continuous exposure to those in need of aid. In the early 1990s compassion fatigue was used to describe burnout-like symptoms emergency nurses were experiencing while caring for patients in emotional and/or physical distress. Symptoms include physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion.  Therefore, compassion fatigue is sometimes referred to as secondary or vicarious trauma.

Not just nurses, social workers, and psychologists care for others, but many of us will, at some time, be called to provide care for a family member or a friend. Yes, there is compassion fatigue (or compassion exhaustion or caregiver fatigue) for those who are not professionals. Consequently, you may now, or in the future, need to deal with compassion fatigue. At the same time, you might think you are burning out. Both have similar stages of increased distress:

  1. Enthusiasm
  2. Stagnation
  3. Frustration
  4. Apathy

(Stages of Burn-out by Edelwich and Brodsky, 1980)

When we care for others, we need to avoid being so unaware of our distress that we end up feeling indifferent or apathetic. heart for self-careThe time to start increasing our self-care is when we begin to feel frustration.

Most self-care measures are dependent on recognizing if you are experiencing burn-out or compassion fatigue. As Mark Young, writes in Learning the Art of Helping:

The effective helper has good self-care skills.”

Burnout Conditions

  1. Lack of support.
  2. Lack of free time.
  3. Unrealistic expectations with not enough time or resources.

Self-Care Actions for Burnout Prevention or Recovery

Typically, the kind of self-care required is reliant on making changes in your environment:

  1. Take a leave from the situation
  2. Ask for a healthy change
  3. Resign

Compassion Fatigue Conditions

  1. Triggered into flashbacks of a traumatic incident in your own life.
  2. Vicarious or secondary trauma. Triggered to remember the moments of witnessing someone’s (your client or dear one) intense pain. Note: if you are in the helping professions hourly and weekly working with highly traumatized clients you will need to be more vigilant.

Self-Care Actions for Compassion Fatigue Prevention or Recovery

Triggered into flashbacks:

  1. Talk about it with a support person.
  2. Arrange counselling; a trained professional can help.

Vicarious or Secondary Trauma:

  1. Debrief regularly with a support person.
  2. If you are a professional, arrange for ample supervision.
  3. Learn about Compassion Growth.
  4. Check to see if you are absorbing additional trauma through television, the internet and/or the news. Then minimize your viewing and add more Good News to your life.

Take a quiz and learn more at The Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project.

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single parent with 2 children, solo parent, parenting

Single Parent: 10 Powerful Tips from a Solo Mom

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single parent with 2 children, solo parent, parentingAlthough being a single parent can be rewarding or a relief from an unfulfilling or unhappy relationship, it often has significant challenges. Challenges can include financial constraints as well as time management, needing to juggle work, parenting, and other responsibilities all at once.  Social isolation can create feeling of cut-off from  peers due to the lack of a partner to share the parenting responsibilities.

Single parents may experience an increased amount of stress due to the responsibility of raising a child or children alone. Add guilt for not being able to provide the same benefits as children of two–parent families. Here is a little more detail about seven key distresses of being a single parent

  1. Financial Strain: Single parents often bear the sole responsibility for the financial well-being of their families.
  2. Time Management:  Managing work, parenting, and personal time can be difficult for single parents. Juggling multiple responsibilities and finding time for self-care can be a constant challenge.
  3. Emotional Stress: Single parents may experience feelings of loneliness, stress, and emotional exhaustion. The absence of a co-parent to share responsibilities and emotional support can take a toll.
  4. Limited Support System: Single parents may have a smaller support network compared to those with a co-parent. Relying on friends, family, or other support systems becomes crucial, but it might not always be readily available.
  5. Parenting Alone: Single parents have to make important decisions and handle all aspects of parenting on their own. This includes discipline, guidance, and providing emotional support, which can be challenging without a partner.
  6. Social Stigma: Single parents may face societal judgments and stereotypes, which can contribute to feelings of isolation and inadequacy. Overcoming these societal pressures and maintaining a positive self-image can be challenging.
  7. Limited Personal Time: Single parents often have little time for themselves. Between work and parenting responsibilities, finding time for personal interests, hobbies, or simply relaxing can be a significant challenge.

Here are some ideas to assist from my friend, Leane Riley. She wants you to know, “I might be a solo parent but I don’t have to do it all alone.”

  1. Remember that Super Mom or Super Dad is not even a comic book character!
  2. Be open with your children.  Tell them the truth or a childlike version of it.  Children sense everything but they don’t always know the questions to ask.
  3. Remind children that you are human and have needs too.  “You like going to the park, I like getting my nails done.”
  4. Insist that children contribute.  When they say, “It’s not fair!” let them know that life isn’t always fair for you either.  “It’s not fair that I have to do everything when there are two other pairs of hands and legs in the house.”
  5. Remember, you are the shining example of how a successful woman behaves and what kind of response she accepts from others, including men.
  6. Provide routine that children can count on.
  7. During a job interview, find a way to mention your family.  That way, there are no surprises.  You also get a chance to learn more about your boss, the organization and their values.  This provides you with more personal power!  Choose a family-friendly organization.
  8. Single moms have little downtime.  Let your car or bus be your wind-down time.  Sit in your car at a park or somewhere private between work and child-care pickup.  Listen to music, have your coffee or be with your thoughts and decisions.  Arrange for girlfriend phone chats after the children are in bed.  Plan meals as a stress reliever.  If cooking is a chore, have sporadic cereal nights.
  9. Have a portrait taken of your new family.  The depth that picture will have is priceless.  Leane says that the picture of her and her two girls still sits on a shelf fixed between two angels.  “It constantly serves as a reminder that I survived, had happy times and that difficult times can change for the better.  That portrait still brings tears to my eyes.  I am so proud of us all!”
  10.  Don’t try to be all to your children.  Remember, it takes a village to raise a child.

Note: This is an excerpt from Patricia Morgan’s book, From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work

Lastly, here is a Canadian website with resources for single parents called One Parent.

Please check out these related posts:
two children developing negative beliefs

Negative Beliefs: How to Identify and Replace Them

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two children developing negative beliefsChildhood, adolescent, and sometimes adult experiences can create core negative beliefs. In childhood, these beliefs can be planted by the absence of parental or caregiver attention and security caused by addiction, domestic violence, neglect, abandonment, poverty, bullying, threat of harm, and lack of protection.

These negative beliefs can become rigid collections of thoughts, statements, and images that overpower a person’s outlook on themselves and life. They can be formed during childhood, adolescence and include conclusions of being unlovable, unworthy, stupid, inferior, powerless, vulnerable, and bad. These negative core beliefs can become so ingrained that they can shape a person’s behavior and affect the choices they make, limiting their potential and ability to enjoy life.

Negative belief patterns then shape our behavior and decisions, limiting our potential and hindering our ability to find joy and satisfaction in life.

Categories of Old Negative Beliefs

The first step to calming negative beliefs is identifying them. Doing so can help reveal our underlying attitudes and values. When we uncover patterns of thinking that keep us stuck, we can welcome healthier, more empowering beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. It also helps us become more aware of our own tendencies and reactivity, so we can better recognize and respond to our own emotional triggers. Ultimately, being able to identify and change our negative beliefs can enable us to become more emotionally regulated, effective, and resilient.

 Self-Image or Self-Esteem 

Poor self-esteem or self-image can be developed in several ways, including exposure to comparison to siblings or peers, and invalidation of emotions or experiences. Other influences can include parents’ inappropriate efforts to control, focusing on children’s mistakes or shortcomings, making demeaning comments, over-criticizing or excessively punishing.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. I am a bad person.
  2. I am unlovable.
  3. I am not good enough.
  4. I am damaged.
  5. I am stupid.
  6. I am a loser.
  7. I am inferior.
  8. I am a failure.
  9. I am inadequate.
  10. I am weak.
  11. I am shameful.
  12. I am worthless.
  13.  I am insignificant.
  14.  I am unattractive (ugly, fat, etc.)
  15.  I am useless.
  16. There’s something wrong with me.
  17. I am always wrong.
  18. I have to be perfect.

Self in Relationship

Influential adults can contribute to negative core beliefs about self in relationships by making negative or overly critical comments about their children’s relationships. They may also compare children to their peers or others in a negative way, pointing out what they could do better or how they are not good enough.

Adults, who were neglected or abandoned as adults, may cling to others, but if they were abused and invaded, they may avoid intimacy. Consequently, this core belief can result in an adult having difficulty in forming secure and healthy relationships.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. People I love will leave me.
  2. People will reject and abandon me.
  3. If I love or care for something/someone, I will be abandoned.
  4. I am different and don’t belong.
  5. I do not measure up to others.
  6. I am not important or as good as others.
  7. I need to please others, or they will leave me.
  8. I can’t be happy on my own.
  9. It’s selfish to put myself first.
  10. When I see others have a problem, I need to help them.
  11. I am only worthy when I help others.
  12. If I express negative feelings in a relationship, something terrible will happen.
  13. I’m responsible for everyone and everything.
  14. If I care enough, I can fix him/her/this.

Having Control or Choice

Children are given the message that they have no control or choice when adults discount their emotions or push them to make decisions that go against their own feelings and values. Adults can also overprotect children which can lead them to believe they cannot make smart choices or that making mistakes is unacceptable, punishable, or even dangerous.

Caregivers reinforce lack of control and choice when they take away age-appropriate choices such as choosing friends or alternatively expecting a child to behave like an adult or punishing a child for a harmless choice.

Adults may also provide poor role modeling by passively submitting to authority, letting people take advantage of them or avoid making decisions.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. I am helpless/powerless.
  2.  I am out of control.
  3. I cannot let go.
  4. I must have control to be okay.
  5. I am trapped.
  6. I am a victim.
  7. I can’t stand it.
  8. People manipulate me and control my life.
  9. It is not ok to feel.
  10. I can’t do it.
  11. I can’t stand up for myself.
  12. I can’t say ‘no’.

Persaonl Safety

Some caregivers and adults do not have the capacity to care for and protect children! They may threaten, fight, abuse or neglect because of their own trauma or poor mental health.

 Some influential adults may dwell on potential threats, constantly talking about danger, highlight worst-case scenarios, and limit natural exploration and risk-taking. However other adults may dismiss or punish a child for expressing fear or worry saying something like, you’re being silly or it’s nothing to worry about, without offering any acknowledgment and comfort.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. I am in danger.
  2. I cannot trust myself.
  3. I cannot trust others, not anyone.
  4. It’s not safe to say how I feel.
  5. I cannot stand up for myself.
  6. I must do everything perfectly or I’m in trouble.
  7. If I make a mistake, it means I am a failure.
  8. I’ve done something wrong.
  9. It’s not okay to ask for help.
  10. I must do everything myself.
  11. If I don’t do it, no one will.
  12. I can’t trust or rely on another person.
  13. If I trust people, they will hurt me (and I won’t survive).
  14. People will betray me.
  15. People are untrustworthy. 

Entitlement or Privilege

In this era of over-protecting children, some adults suffer from a sense of privilege. They are covering up for their own lack of competence. Thankfully, some of these individuals come to the realization that their superior view of themselves can ruin relationships. I had the chance to help one such client who, because of her upbringing, was not made to contribute to family life in any way. She was resentful that her parents failed to teach her basic daily life skills such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry, and felt humiliated when she had to learn these tasks from her newlywed spouse.

In 2004, family researcher, Jean Illsley Clarke in her book, How Much Is Enough?: Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children, call over-indulgence the new abuse.  She points out that over-indulgence happens when parents give too much, do too much, protect too much, and seldom let children experience the consequences of their mistakes.

Parents may provide too many clothes, electronics, or other unnecessities, shield them from responsibility or accountability, not teach them life-skills, pander excessively to their wants and delay or avoid problem-solving skills. Parents may also be over-indulging their children by caving into their demands rather than setting boundaries and expectations, giving praise that is not earned or deserved, and not setting age-appropriate limits or expectations or being consistent in the enforcement of them.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. People need to respect me.
  2. I deserve a lot of attention and praise.
  3. I am superior to others.
  4. I am entitled to special treatment.
  5. If I don’t excel, then I’m inferior, worthless, and ordinary.
  6. I am special and people should treat me that way.
  7. I don’t have to follow rules like other people.
  8. Other people should give me what I want.
  9. If I want something I should get it.
  10. People have no right to criticize me.
  11. People who don’t understand me don’t see how special or brilliant I am.
  12. I can do nothing wrong. 

Challenge and Replace Negative Beliefs 

For a different perspective on beliefs consider reading the article, Core Beliefs and Happiness by Mandy Kloppers on the Mental Help website. https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/core-beliefs-and-happiness

Then use these questions inspired by Byron Katie’s work, Love What Is to begin to replace the negative beliefs you identified above:

  1. Do I know this belief is accurate and true? Can I prove it?
  2. What will be the consequence if I keep this belief?
  3. What will be the consequence if I refuse to have this belief?
  4. What stops me from changing my belief?
  5. What do I need to do to change this belief to one I prefer?
  6. Do I need support to change this belief? Is so who can emotionally support me?

Note: You can also test the accuracy of your belief or story by stating out loud, “The story I tell myself is ______________________________”

Good on you for doing the work of identifying and replacing negative beliefs. You just might have strengthened a resilient mindset.

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red umbrella

How to Boost Your Resilience: Assess Your Protective Factors

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red umbrella

Many of us have moved from saying “Woe is me” to “WOW! I survived and I am even thriving.”  We could ask ourselves, “Where did my resiliency develop? And if it did not develop in childhood, when did it develop?”  If you do not identify yourself as being resilient to challenges, you may not recognize your capacity to handle strain and stress. Perhaps it is time to explore building resilience and the concept of protective factors.

Here is one definition of resilience:

The maintenance of healthy ⁄ successful functioning or adaptation within the context of a significant adversity or threat.

Source: Garmezy, N. (1993). Risk and resilience. In D. C. Funder, R. D. Parke, C. Tomlinson-Keasey & K. Widaman (Eds.), Studying lives through time: Personality and development (pp. 377–398). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association

On this website, there are many articles on how to strengthen resilience. But here we will provide a connection between what happened to you in your childhood and what you can do to move forward. This will better allow you to use the other available articles with tips for strengthening your buoyancy.

Ted, Mary, Jamie, Patsy & John McLaughlin
Ted, Mary, Jamie, Patsy & John McLaughlin

Emmy Werner, Steven J. Wolin, Wayne Hammond, and Michael Unger, and other resiliency researchers discovered protective factors that helped children and youth better manage their life-long challenges.  The lists include protective factors that are described in the emotional intelligence, positive psychology, sociology and philosophy literature.

Importance of Protective Factors

  1. Enhancing Resilience: Protective factors are characteristics, skills, or resources that mitigate the negative effects of stressors and challenges. They enhance an individual’s capacity to cope, recover, and bounce back from difficult situations, promoting overall resilience.
  2. Balancing Risk Factors: Protective factors act as counterbalances to these risks, helping individuals maintain mental and emotional well-being.
  3. Promoting Positive Outcomes: In the face of adversity, individuals with strong protective factors are more likely to experience positive outcomes. These outcomes can include psychological well-being, personal growth, improved problem-solving skills, and the ability to maintain healthy relationships.
  4. Developmental Perspective: Protective factors may vary in importance across these stages, as individuals face unique challenges and opportunities for growth.
  5. Prevention and Intervention: Understanding protective factors can inform prevention and intervention strategies. By identifying and promoting these factors, researchers and practitioners can create programs and interventions that enhance resilience and reduce vulnerability to mental health issues.
  6. Holistic Approach: Resilience is a multidimensional concept that involves psychological, social, and environmental factors. Protective factors contribute to a holistic approach to well-being, recognizing the complex interplay between various aspects of an individual’s life.
  7. Cultural Considerations: Different cultures and communities may prioritize different protective factors based on their values, norms, and resources.
  8. Long-Term Impact: Building strong protective factors early in life can have a lasting impact. Children and adolescents who develop coping skills, a sense of purpose, and positive social connections are more likely to carry these attributes into adulthood.
  9. Personal Empowerment: Identifying and fostering protective factors empowers individuals to take an active role in their own well-being. This awareness can lead to proactive efforts to strengthen resilience, making it an essential aspect of mental health promotion.

Understanding and promoting protective factors have significant implications for mental health, well-being, and the development of effective interventions.

Protective factors include internal, which refers to what an individual has control over, and external, which refers to the influence of our environment. We were all affected by our childhoods in different ways. A child with a strong internal protective factor (tough constitution), regardless of a chaotic home life, may be able to heal, and go on to thrive. Those of us with weaker internal factors would have been more impacted by our parents, siblings, school, neighborhood and community. Often times a grandparent or a neighbor kept watch over us and provided some external protective factors.

Only you can decide how these internal and external factors played out. Regardless, we can always strengthen our resiliency. Assessing our childhood protective factors is one way to become aware of how we might repair, build or sustain our resilience.

Round One:

1. Take an inventory of your overall childhood using the categories below. Give each point a number from 0 (not at all) to 10 (got all I needed and more).

Internal Protective Factors

External Protective Factors

Family:

  • Felt close to family members
  • Loved unconditionally by parent(s)
  • Caring extended family
  • Basic needs met—food, shelter, and clothing
  • Safe from family violence, addictions or other mal-adaptive behaviors
  • Clear rules, routines and boundaries for structure
  • Guidance and consistency
  • Encouragement of dreams and talents
  • Appreciation for contribution

Community:

  • Love of learning, discover and teamwork instilled at school (work)
  • Positive faith experience
  • Close friendships
  • Inspiring role models
  • Group opportunities (camp, lessons)
  • Opportunities to contribute
  • Consistent child-care

2. Flag the protective factors from your childhood which you scored 5 or under.

Round Two:
Go through the above list again reflecting on your life today. Give a number 0 (not at all) to 10 (have all I need and more).

Flag:

a)   Note the protective factors you have repaired from your childhood–the ones that were missing back then.  Congratulate yourself for attending to your needs.

b)   Note the protective factors that still need a repair.

c)   Note ONE protective factor on which you can take action to repair today.

Now that you have taken an inventory of what needs strengthening for your resiliency, do something about it.

  • Do something different.
  • Write down a plan.
  • Make a phone call to someone you trust to listen with compassion.
  • Ask for help. It is not weak to ask for help. It is a demonstration of strength of character and self-worth.

Congratulate yourself for  assessing your protective factors. Now attend to your needs! Let us know how you do. Ok?

Little girl dancing with joy1

Protective Factors to Boost Children’s Resilience

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Little girl dancing with joy1
Resilient and filled with joy!

She bent down and tied up her 9-year-old’s shoe strings. Remarkably, the little guy is a bright, and potentially capable, boy.  Millennials (those born between the mid-1990s to early 2000s) are often times called The Me Me Me Generation. They tend to be over-protected from challenge, consequences, and tears. As the family researcher, Jean Illsley Clark, reports in her book, How Much Is Enough?, this parental tendency to over-protect continues. The sad news is that our children’s resilience is being compromised!

At a Family Service Canada symposium for Family Educators, I learned about the work of Dr. Wayne Hammond. Below are researched ways to nurture resiliency in our children.

Protective Factors Include Intrinsic and Extrinsic Elements

Note: Intrinsic refers to personal and internal processes. Extrinsic refers to the outside environment.

Intrinsic Components or Assets

  1. Empowerment involves children feeling a sense of safety; safe to simply be and express what they think and feel.
  2. Self-concept involves children believing they are capable, loved and valued. They have a sense of purpose by using their strengths. It includes healthy self-esteem and self-efficiency.
  3. Self-control is about the ability of children to restrain themselves for a long term and healthy outcome. It means resisting temptation, being able to say “no” and demonstrating self-discipline.
  4. Social sensitivity means that children can act with care, empathy, support, equality, and justice.
  5. Cultural Sensitivity is an indicator that children have the ability to accept diversity in spirituality, race and the background of others.

Parents can encourage internal resiliency by:

  •  teaching and acknowledging feelings
  •  supporting children’s strengths, gifts, and passions
  •  asking for children’s opinions
  •  avoiding rescuing them; that is protecting them from consequences of their behaviors
  •  teaching empathy, care, and manners
  •  turning mistakes into learning opportunities
  •  acknowledging success moments
  •  teaching problem solving and following through with consequences
  •  truly listening
  •  participating in spiritual and/or religious activities
  •  inviting different kinds of people into family life
  •  teaching traditions, beliefs & values

Extrinsic Components or AssetsPicture of the Morgan family - teaching resilience starts when children are young

  1. Families make a positive difference in their children’s lives when they show care, provide positive role models, support them in tough times, have high expectations, and are involved in their schools.
  2. Peers can have a positive influence if they act responsibly.
  3. Learning at school happens when children work at achieving, attend regularly and diligently do their homework.
  4. School staff make a positive difference when they set clear rules and boundaries while providing a caring and inspiring atmosphere with high expectations of behavior.
  5. Communities make a positive difference to children when rules and clear boundaries are known and followed through. Resilience is also built when healthy adults are available as role models and neighborhoods demonstrate care.

Parents can influence their children’s environment by:

  • making their love and limits known
  • apologizing when in error
  • engaging in activities they love
  • becoming as healthy as they know how
  • choosing healthy friends
  • having time available to BE THERE
  • volunteering at their children’s school
  • supporting appropriate school consequences
  • expecting their children to succeed
  • holding children responsible for their choices and  behavior
  • knowing their children’s friends
  • making their children’s  friends welcome in their home
  • supporting consistent study habits
  • providing a quiet place to do homework
  • setting a specific time for homework
  • ensuring children know school rules
  • working as a team with the school
  • working as a team with the principal and teachers
  • knowing teachers’ expectations
  • explaining and supporting civil laws and their consequences
  • choosing a caring community with healthy values
  • coaching or participating with other people’s children

Consider putting into action one or two of the ideas listed above.  You will help develop your children’s resilience. Just watch their capacity to cope with challenge increase along with their sense of confidence!

Note: The primary source of the above information is the work of Dr. Wayne Hammond of Resiliency Initiatives.

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Patricia with Jean Illsley Clarke

How to Deal with an Over-Indulged Adult

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Patricia with Jean Illsley Clarke
Patricia with Jean Illsley Clarke

Growing up on a farm, the idea of my parents self-indulging never crossed my and my siblings’ minds. Mind you, it does not probably cross the mind of the person who engages in egomaniac, self-admiring, diva, princess or prima-donna behavior who barely functions in the cubical down the way from your or somebody else’s workspot! Yes, I am describing the over-indulged adult you probably know.

Stories are surfacing of young adults who do not know the difference between a washer and a dryer, who arrive at job interviews with their parents by their side, and who are not willing to leave home because Mom and Dad just treat me so good!

I recently attended a workshop, How Much is Enough? Overindulgence has become the New Normal.  It was based on the book How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children by Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson and David Bredehoft.

Clarke, a spry 87 years old, award winning author and pioneer parent educator, led the session. She presented research to describe the dilemma of the “new normal” of overindulged. Three ways to overindulge are: 1) too much of anything—clothes, electronics, lessons and stuff and more stuff, 2) too much help—doing for them what they can do for themselves (picture a mother tying up shoelaces while the child is texting on a cell phone), and 3) lack of expectations, rules, consequences, and chores. Clarke said,

As people who were overindulged as children become adults, there is a huge impact on their confidence level.  These are the people who are most likely to report that they don’t feel they have control over their children.”

Indicators of an Over-indulged Adult

  1. Expect immediate gratification–demanding their wants be accommodated, RIGHT NOW!
  2. Lack boundaries—invading others personal and workplace spaces.
  3. Confuse their wants with needs—believing what they want are their needs.
  4. Lack workplace and people skills—struggling with effective workplace cooperation and teamwork.
  5. Disrespect other people and their prosperity—borrowing and then not taking good care of the property or losing it.
  6. Believe they are Helpless—thinking, Poor me. I don’t know how to do this.
  7. Value Wealth (money), Fame (attention, admiration) and Image (designer clothes and appearance)—missing out on meaningful relationships, personal growth, and purposeful workplace and community participation.
  8. Have little gratitude—making little or no effort to express appreciation to others for their efforts on their behalf.

What are parents and workplace leaders to do when the effects of overindulgence are evident?

How to Deal with an Over-indulged Adult

  • Name the 1, 2 or 3 ways that overindulgence is demonstrated through words and actions and/or lack of keeping agreements.
  • Do not support or encourage the self-indulgent behavior.
  • Name the values (virtues) you want to be the norm in your home, workplace or community; values such as cooperation, mutual respect, and responsibility. A list of value words and how they are aligned to clear boundaries may help.
  • Have clear expectations and hold children and adults responsible for agreements and their choices.
  • Affirm and celebrate people’s demonstration of competence, empathy, and other character-building virtues.

How and when have you caught yourself or others inappropriately indulging a young or grown child?

Please check out this related post:

Book Summary: How Much Is Enough?
Use a List of Values to Help Focus Your Time and Energy

Patricia Morgan MA CCC helps her readers, clients, and audiences lighten their load, brighten their outlook, and strengthen their resilience. To go from woe to WOW call 403.830.6919 or email a request.

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Baby Elliott toddling with his ball cap. humor, kids

Kids’ Humor: How to Lighten Up Like a Wise Child

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Baby Elliott toddling with his ball cap. humor, kids' humor, children's humorWhy delight in kids’ humor? Well, out of the mouths of babes comes the truth. We adults have worked ourselves away from taking time to wonder at life nuances. We are socialized to worry about what the neighbours and our mother-in-law think, to look successful and to hide our feelings to the point that we have forgotten the essence of a normally absurd life. There is much we can learn by connecting to babies and children and noticing our children’s humor. They remind us of our own childlike essence – the kid in us.

Research on Kids’ Humor

According to research sited in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, Developmental Psychology, and the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology here are some facts about children’s humor, specifically about laughter:

  • Children’s laughter is closely tied to social and emotional development. It often serves as a form of communication, expressing joy, amusement, or playfulness.
  • Some research suggests that laughter in children may have cognitive benefits, such as improving attention, memory, and problem-solving skills.
  • Laughter is associated with the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals, which may contribute to a sense of happiness and relaxation.
  • Laughter therapy, or laughter yoga, has been explored as a therapeutic intervention for children with various conditions. The positive effects of laughter on stress reduction and mood enhancement are hints for us to also embrace the benefits of humor and laughter.

Babies’ Humor

Babies naturally belch, gurgle, smile and giggle. Researcher A. Ziv (1984) described new born babies at two weeks old smiling to indicate “I feel good.” By two months of age they will smile their pleasure at seeing their main caregiver. A smile positively changes the sender and the person who receives it. Mother Teresa told the masses that if they wanted to make a difference in the world to smile gently at their loved ones and all others.

At eight months, babies laugh at the game peek-a-boo and are amused by incongruence. For instance, a toddler will giggle if a mother pretends to sip from a child’s bottle. We too can note life’s contradictions and smile rather than stress out, fight or try to control. The Dalai Lama is known to giggle throughout his day. He is probably observing the many human paradoxical messages we send each other like “I love you. Now go away.”

Toddlers’ Humor

Toddlers laugh at setbacks. Invariably, they fall down, giggle, get up and get on their way. They are master teachers of enjoying some of Murphy’s Laws of “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” We can learn to toddler giggle at “If bread and peanut butter fall it will land gooey side down.” or “In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don’t need it.”

Pre-schoolers’ Humor

Preschool age and kindergarten children love word plays, surprises, learn through playing and are fascinated with toilet matters. They delight in their ability to see, hear and taste. They question and remark on the absurdities and pleasures of the day. One April morning our four year old son, Benjamin, asked what was poking out of the ground. I told him that it was a purple crocus. “What’s it mean Mom when it comes through the snow like that?” I told him that it was a sign that spring has come. A half hour later I noticed he was not home. After searching our home I ventured outside and found him a block away. He was going door to door making a grand announcement. “I have great news. Spring is here! Spring is here!”

School Age Kids’ Humor

Art Linkletter knew that children lived with joy when he started his television program “Children say the Darnedest Things.” This unconditioned or authentic state of being can be like a breath of mountain air in our political and corporate driven culture. Children easily access tears, tantrums, smiles and laughter. Drs Gael Crystal and Patrick Flanagan (1995) state “Adults laugh approximately 15 times per day, while children laugh abut 400 times a day.”

Children are real. Especially in our homes, we need to feel safe enough to make mistakes, to playfully learn and to express our emotions while interacting with our loved ones, goofing around, reading a book or watching our favourite TV show or video. A movie like Beaches starring Bette Midler can support us to weep and laugh; have us feeling open and vulnerable again after watching this story about the value of life and friendship.

Older Kids’ Humor

Older school aged children begin to use antisocial humor and challenge authority figures. TV programs such as This Hour Has 22 Minutes may have been inspired by a writer who, in grade five, started to make fun of his teacher behind her back. At this stage children may act cruelly teasing those who are weaker. Harsh or competitive environments tend to encourage taunting of those who make mistakes or who are vulnerable. If we become advocates of kind humour we will neither use a quick wit to attack others nor want to use it as a defence mechanism.

Conclusion

As adult leaders of our community we can gently and playfully challenge those in authority, protect the disadvantaged and learn to employ effective and caring humour. Here is a quick look at me being silly with a room of older people.

It may feel intimidating for some of us to give up our puffed up egos and our need for seriousness to feel important. The idea of learning to laugh at ourselves, to let loose our pantyhose or spray some guffaw spit may seem like a daydream. However, if we search our vicinity for a live child specimen from whom we can learn, we too can benefit from kids’ humor!

Please check out these related posts:

How to Have Fun with Your Personal Sense of Humor
Book Summary: You Can’t Be Serious – Putting Humor to Work by Michael Kerr

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Welcome acknowledgement poster re appreciation

Welcome Acknowledgment: How to Receive Appreciation with Ease

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Welcome acknowledgement poster re appreciation & compliment

Introduction

Do you find yourself struggling to accept acknowledgment, appreciation, or a compliments Are you often at a loss for words when someone praises your efforts? I used to be one of those people who would say, “It was nothing.” Why? Because in my head I heard my father yelling, “Who do you think you are?” and “Don’t get too big headed!” But over the years I learned to receive with grace and welcome acknowledgment.

Here we’ll explore the reasons behind the reluctance to receive acknowledgment and provide insights on how to graciously accept compliments. Whether it’s  overdone humility, negative self-talk or past experiences, learning to embrace acknowledgment is an essential step toward building self-worth and fostering positive connections.

Understanding the Reasons for Acknowledgment Embarrassement

Overdone Humility

Many of us have been taught that humility is a virtue and it is if not overdone. Overdone humility involves excessive self-deprecation, and instead of gracefully accepting the compliment, you downplay your achievements to an extreme degree. Overdone humility can create the impression that you are incompetent, leave the person complimenting you feeling awkward or unsure, and may sabotage an opportunity for a mutually supportive relationship.

Negative Self-Talk

Many individuals find it challenging to accept acknowledgment due to negative self-perception. Negative self-talk becomes familiar, leading to thoughts such as “I don’t deserve this,” “Who am I to be acknowledged,” or “I’m not really worthy.” If you recognize these patterns in your thinking, it’s crucial to consider seeking professional guidance, especially if it stems from past verbal or emotional abuse. Acknowledging the root cause is crucial to positive change.

Catch Your Self-Talk: Identifying and Changing Automatic Responses

The first step to change a pattern of rejecting a positive comment is to catch your automatic rejection line. Here is a list to consider:

  1. “Oh, it was really no big deal.”
  2. “I just did what anyone would have done.”
  3. “No need to thank me, it was a team effort.”
  4. “It’s really not worth mentioning.”
  5. “I just did my part.”
  6. “Don’t mention it, I’m happy to help.”
  7. “It was the least I could do.”
  8. “Oh, it’s really no trouble at all.”
  9. “I didn’t do anything special.”
  10. “No need to make a fuss, I’m glad I could assist.”
  11. “It’s really not a big deal, honestly.”
  12. “I was just in the right place at the right time.”
  13. “Anyone would have done the same.”
  14. “Oh, you’re too kind, but it was really nothing.”
  15. “No need to praise me, I was just doing what felt right.”
  16. “It’s just part of being a good friend/colleague.”
  17. “I didn’t expect any recognition; I was just doing my job.”
  18. “There’s no need for thanks, I was happy to contribute.”
  19. “I appreciate your kind words, but it was really just a small effort.”
  20. “It’s all good, really—no need to mention it.”

Why Welcome Acknowledgment?

When we welcome acknowledgement we do ourselves and others a favour. Doing so enhances self-esteem and self-worth by affirming our abilities and contributions. It creates a positive exchange of energy between individuals and promotes a supportive and uplifting connection. When we reject someone’s gift of acknowledgement it can strain the relationship as if saying, “You are wrong!”

Encourage Positive Communication

Responding graciously to compliments fosters open and positive dialogue, making relationships more enjoyable and constructive. When appropriate, we can acknowledge the efforts of others, perhaps our team, friends, or family in shared successes. All of this helps build an atmosphere of gratitude, appreciation, and a positive feedback loop.

How to Welcome Acknowledgment

Regardless of the origin of your reluctance, the key is to learn how to welcome acknowledgment and receive it with grace. To help with this process, consider practicing these gracious responses:

Express Gratitude:

  • “Thank you so much for your kind words.”
  • “I appreciate your acknowledgment.”
  • “Your compliment means a lot to me.”

Of note is the good work of Canadian speaker, Steve Foran at Gratitude at Work. 

Accept Compliments:

  1. “I’m grateful for your recognition.”
  2. “I’m glad my efforts are noticed.”
  3. “It warms my heart to hear that.”

Acknowledge Others:

  • “I couldn’t have done it without the support of my partner.”
  • “This accomplishment is a collective effort.”
  • “I’m fortunate to work with such amazing people.”

Recognizing Personal Growth:

  • “I’ve been working hard on improving, so your acknowledgment motivates me.”
  • “I’m learning and growing, and I appreciate your encouragement.”
  • “It’s encouraging to see my efforts recognized.”

If you don’t remember any of these options you can always say a simple Thank you. As the German philosopher Meister Eckhart once said,

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.

Of course it is also rewarding to practice the social intelligence practice of giving acknowledgement and appreciation. Giving and receiving creates mutually satisfying relationships.

Conclusion:

Embracing acknowledgment is a powerful step toward building self-esteem and fostering positive connections. By understanding the reasons behind your reluctance, challenging negative self-talk, and adopting gracious responses, you can transform the way you receive compliments. Learning to welcome acknowledgment is not only a gift to yourself but also an invitation for positive energy and positive relationships.

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Flourish by Martin Seligman

Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and . . .

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Flourish by Martin Seligman

Book Summary of Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being,

My favorite Positive Psychology book is Flourish by Dr. Martin Seligman. For many years I have been a fan of Seligman, a psychologist and founder of Positive Psychology. I was thrilled in 2009 to attend the first World Congress on Positive Psychology in Philadelphia. Yes, I met him, shook his hand, and even asked him to read and endorse one of my books. That didn’t pan out, but I remain a student of his work.

I have read his books  Learned Optimism, What You Can Change and What You Can’t, and Authentic Happiness. When Seligman released Flourish, I asked, “What more did he have to say?” The answer was plenty! Seligman is a researcher, questioner, and thinker. I appreciate that he is willing to re-think his research findings, theories, and positioning.

Overview of Flourish

First, Seligman explains that he was never satisfied with the perception that was created by focusing on the word happiness in his popular book, Authentic Happiness. He has shifted his focus from the state of happiness to emphasize the importance of flourishing and well-being. In Flourish Seligman presents the acronym PERMA.

P – Positive Emotions – feeling love, joy, and pleasure.

E – Engagement–being in flow and focused on our activities.

R – Relationships – having healthy, supportive, and rewarding connections with others.

M – Meaning – giving significance to the events in our lives.

A – Accomplishments – attaining goals that support our core values.

Basic Concepts of Flourish

Seligman explores the concepts of self-esteem, optimism, vitality, self-determination and my main interest, resilience. Within the topic of resilience, he describes a process for mental toughness, as well as the elements of Post Traumatic Growth, a most unusual but powerful concept.

Seligman describes the positivity research findings of his colleague, Barbara Fredrickson. She discovered: “Companies with better than a 2.9 ratio for positive to negative statements are flourishing.”  He also refers to marriage expert, John Gottman, who discovered that couples who use a ratio of five positive comments to one negative were in healthy and long-lasting relationships.

Seligman includes the effective use of his VIA Character Strengths. Anyone and everyone can take Seligman’s FREE 240 question VIA Character Strengths inventory.

Included in the test are many quick lists and quizzes including checking your physical, emotional, social, and spiritual fitness.

Sprinkled throughout the book are exercises to develop and strengthen well-being.   They include:

  1. Kindness: Do one unexpected act of kindness such as paying for someone’s parking meter and then notice how you feel.
  2. Gratitude Visit: After writing a letter of gratitude to someone who has done something significant for you, deliver it to read it face-to-face.
  3. Three Blessings: Before going to bed each night for a week write down three experiences that happened that day that went well.
  4. Forgiveness Letter:  Write a letter delving into how you were wounded and your related feelings, ending with a commitment to forgive.
  5. Optimism:  List three doors that were closed (losses) and then list what doors opened.

10 Martin Seligman Quotes

  1. “I don’t mind being wrong, and I don’t mind changing my mind.”
  2. “When we take time to notice the things that go right – it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day.”
  3. “We think too much about what goes wrong and not enough about what goes right in our lives.  Of course, sometimes it makes sense to analyze bad events so that we can learn from them and avoid them in the future.  However, people tend to spend more time thinking about what is bad in life than is helpful.  Worse, this focus on negative events sets up for anxiety and depression. One way to keep this from happening is to get better at thinking about and savoring what went well.”
  4. “The more friends and the more love in your life, the less illness.”
  5. “If we just wanted positive emotions, our species would have died out a long time ago.”
  6. “Merciless criticism often makes us dig in our heels in defense, or worse, makes us helpless. We don’t change. We do change, however, when we discover what is best about ourselves and when we see specific ways to use our strengths more.”
  7. “Optimists take action and have healthier lifestyles. Optimists believe that their actions matter, whereas pessimists believe they are helpless and nothing they do will matter. Optimists try, while pessimists lapse into passive helplessness.”
  8. “There are some things we care about instinctively: water, food, shelter, sex.  But most of what we care about is learned.”
  9. if you feel gratitude, it means you think that someone has just demonstrated that he or she cares about you as a person and will be there for you in the future. Gratitude marks opportunities to solidify relationships with people who seem to care.
  10. “A calling . . .  is done for its own sake. You would do it anyway, with no pay and no promotions. “Try to stop me!” is what your heart cries when you are thwarted.”

Summary:

In this work, Seligman covers a lot of territories describing the use of Positive Psychology to enhance people’s lives within marriage, education, corporations, and the armed services. His research and process help us flourish, build resilience, and achieve a state of well-being.

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Woman Giving Emotional Support duirng distress

Emotional Support: How to Give It in Times of Distress

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Woman Giving Emotional Support duirng distress

Have you ever watched helplessly while someone struggled with fear, anxiety, overwhelm, loss or discouragement? They may have poured their heart out about a relationship break-up, a death, loss of a job, a parental misjudgment, or a life-threatening situation. Providing calm support can be challenging. Here are some strategies to help you in times of distress to provide effective emotional support.

The foundation of giving emotional support is based upon a caring relationship with the person regardless of them being a family member, friend, or co-worker. It was the loneliness researcher, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, who wrote,

“The mere perception of the availability of support can go a long way in helping, not only our emotional well-being, but our physical health.”

Consequently, being kind, attentive, and emotionally regulated daily with others can build that trusting connection when a disruption in well-being happens.

Here are four steps to put our care into action.

Step One: Create Emotional Safety

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.” Dale Carnegie

  1. Check for Physical Safety

One night our daughter, Kelly called us after being in a car accident. It was obvious she was distraught. We checked her physical wellbeing by asking, “Are you okay? Does anything in your body hurt?” Later, during another phone call, we checked with her that the car was drivable.

If our distressed person is in the same space as us, we can encourage them to sit with us. Sitting helps the body feel supported and grounded. We can offer something to drink, and perhaps say, “You are safe now. I’m here.”

  1. Be Present

We can be present by noticing facial expressions, body movements, words, plus tone and pace of speech.  If someone is in a highly distressed state they often want to argue, yell, flee, scream, not be able to speak, or collapse in hopelessness. Our job is not to take any of those nervous system reactions personally. We can remind ourselves when people experience significant distress that they are unable to think clearly. This is sometimes called an amygdala highjack.  Noticing our person’s reactions and staying calm allows for at least one grounded and fully functioning brain to be present.

  1. Breathe

But what if we start to panic, feel fear or secondary distress? We can use the breath to bring ourselves back to the present moment. Basically, we take several breaths and exhale longer than we inhale; it doesn’t matter if our breathing is four counts in and seven out or five in and eight out.

  1. Engage the Body

We monitor our breathing to remain calm. We also use soft eyes while sitting face to face with an open posture.

  1. Welcome Connection

We welcome connection so our person knows we are present. We soothe our person’s fired amygdala, “I’m here. I will take care of this. You’ve had a scary accident.” If our person will allow, we start to take over small tasks such as, “I will call the tow truck company to see if your car arrived.”

If our connection is online with Facetime or Zoom, we make sure our facial expressions show caring.

Step Two: Really Listen for Emotional Support

“Listening is not merely talking, though even that is beyond most of our powers; it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us.”  Alice Duer Miller, 19th century poet and feminist

Too often we assume we are listening.  We think, “Oh! It’s simple. I just don’t talk so much.”  But effective listening requires participation, hence the term active listening. It was Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, who said, “Seek first to understand.” Before we try to convince our distressed person to decide anything, we are wise to listen to aide them in calming down and assuring them, they are now physically and/or emotionally safe.

  1. Show Compassion

Compassion means that we care. We can demonstrate our care by saying it, “You matter to me.” Also, we indicate we have nowhere else to be. “I’m here.” We demonstrate comfort while listening to a stream of verbiage or sit in silence. We create emotional safety, when we settle into ourselves with soft eyes, focused attention, and relaxed posture.

We can Imagine being in witness mode, that is noticing our person’s thoughts, feelings, and body movements with revenant curiosity. It may seem as if we are doing little but nodding our head. That is why being with is undervalued. Yet there is plenty of evidence that our gift of attentive time is priceless.

  1. Listen with Empathy

Empathy is compassion in action. The Cambridge dictionary defines empathy as “the ability to share someone else’s feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in another person’s situation.”

Use Classic Empathic Listening Steps

Step One: We affirm we are listening. “I’m listening.”
Add silence
Step Two: We encourage more sharing, especially if your person’s emotions are still charged. “Tell me more.”
Add silence        
Step Three: We affirm emotions until they are calmed. “So, you are feeling scared you will be blamed. Is that right?”
Add silence
Step Four: We confirm emotions have calmed “So, are you feeling focused enough to make the call?”

Quick Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Lesson

The word emotions has a different meaning to the word, feelings. E-motions are our muscular, organs, and nervous system sensations or signals. Feelings are the labeling words we use to describe our emotions. Here are some basic feeling words and their mild to high energy states.

down to                                                        SAD                                  to miserable

disappointed to                                         HURT                                to crushed

uneasy to                                                   SCARED                            to terrified

agitated to                                                 MAD                                   to furious

content to                                                 HAPPY                               to ecstatic

Video (10.28 min) Four Forms of Support: How to Create Emotionally Safe Spaces

Step Three: Give Hope for Emotional Support

“The power for creating a better future is contained in the present moment: You create a good future by creating a good present.” Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

  1. Reorient Back to the Present Moment

We can tell if our person is in a calm and centered state by noticing if they make eye contact, their breathing is normal and their body is settled. For example, you might see their shoulders relax and fall. Tilt your head and smile. See if the gesture is acknowledged. If so, you can sense they have returned to a centered and focused state. In a way, they’re back!  They’re emotionally regulated and connected to you and their pre-frontal (adult) brain.

If they are not fully present, we can invite deep breathing. “How about taking a breath or two with me?”

  1. Share to Normalize
    In the story with Kelly’s car accident, it was late that same night I shared with her what happened when I made an error in judgement and caused a car accident. By sharing my experience, I gave her the message, “You are not the only one who has been in a car accident. I survived and am doing well. So will you.”

       3. Problem Solve

Now that emotions are settled and our person has a fully functioning, logical brain we can problem solve. Name the problem as in, “Your car is not drivable. That’s a problem. How will you get to work? What’s your plan?” Depending on the circumstance we might add, “How can I help?”

Step Four: Gently Wrap Up

“The need for connection and community is primal, as fundamental as the need for air, water, and food.” Dean Ornish, American physician and researcher

  1. Make a Plan
    Before closing our support time we ensure that our person has their basic needs met, and has the resources in place to move forward with their daily life. Make a date for a check in for the next day or a week. “I will call you tomorrow to see how you are doing. Ok?”
  2. Say Goodbye

If appropriate, we offer a hug and a sweet, “Love you!”

Remember the power of witnessing has saved many people’s well-being and, often, lives. We are living in scary times! We are in this together. Bless you for your caring intentions and demonstrating emotional support.

Helpful Books: Resources

  1.  Goleman, Daniel (2005) Emotional Intelligence Why It Can Matter More Than IQ
  2. ————-      (2007) Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships
  3. Morgan, Patricia (2005) Frantic Free: 147 Ways to Calm Down & Lighten Up
  4. ————-(2019) How to Develop Emotional Insight
  5.  Rosenberg, Marshall, (2015) Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships
  6.  Murthy, Vivek  (2020) Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World

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