The Power of a Curiosity Question of Recognition

Why ask this curiosity question? Well, have you ever experienced a moment—an hour, or perhaps an entire day—when you deeply longed to be seen, heard, and acknowledged?

Almost everyone at some point desires recognition. Yet many feel unseen, unheard, unacknowledged, or neglected. In my work in parent, family, marriage, group, and individual counseling—having spoken to thousands—I’ve repeatedly observed that people often light up at the simplest expressions of appreciation.

Years ago, I discovered a question that quietly boosts self-esteem. I’m sorry that I’ve lost track of the original source. It’s powerful in any close relationship—whether with a coworker, friend, partner, child, or grandchild.

How the Curiosity Question Works

The question: “Why do you think I think you are a wonderful [husband/co-worker/friend]?”
Invite a guess—even if they don’t know. After each response, affirm it—“That’s true—but not what I was thinking. Guess again.” After three guesses, offer your heartfelt answer.

Why this Curiosity Quest Works:

• Each guess from the other person reflects values they perceive in themselves.
• You agree with each, reinforcing their positive self-image.
• At the end, your personal affirmation is the cherry on top—a deep, moment of connection.

Personal Example:

Here is how it sounds with my hubby, Les:

1. Patricia:  “Les, please guess.  Why do you think I think you are a wonderful husband?”
   Les: “I provide a good income for our family.”
2. Patricia: “That is true but that is not what I was thinking.  Please guess again.”
   Les: “Because I do many tasks around the house to keep us comfortable.”
3. Patricia: “That is true but that is not what I was thinking.  Please guess one last time.”
   Les: “Because I help you out with your business and your computer challenges.”
4. Patricia: “That is  true but that is not what I was thinking.  I was thinking of how I fell in love with your sea blue eyes, your soft hands and your gentle voice . . . and I still love them.”

Notice how Les received seven affirmations, yes seven!  Three times Les stated what he valued and believed that positively contributes to our relationship.  I agreed three times and added an affirmation at the end, like a cherry on top.

Workplace Example:

Here is how it might sound with a co-worker:

1. Jane: “Alice, I want to give you a special appreciation and do it through an interesting question.  Will you please do this with me?  Just make up the answer if you don’t know the answer.  The question is, ‘Why do you think I think you are a wonderful co-worker?”  Alice: “Because I share my short cuts with you.”
2. Jane: “That is true but that is not what I was thinking.  Please guess again.”
   Alice: “Because I helped out the day you were feeling sick.”
3. Jane: “That is true but that’s not what I was thinking.  Please guess one last time.”
   Alice: “Because I let you know about the process getting a bonus.”
4. Jane: “That is true but that’s not what I was thinking.  I was thinking of the number of times I have struggled, cried and you have listened with acceptance and care.  You are a supportive friend who has helped me get through the tough times and do a better job.”

Acknowledgement Research

Giving acknowledgment is supported by research and the positive outcomes.

• Curious people are seen as more socially engaging and form deeper connections. Curiosity helps people reach out, reducing rejection and strengthening bonds Greater Good.
• Verbal recognition of someone’s strengths (creativity, courage, loyalty) helps them internalize their best self and sparks further positive growth Medium.

Possible Positive Results

When you ask this curiosity question you may surprised at the results. Here are some possibilities:

• With your partner or spouse, it could deepen your emotional intimacy.
• Playfully asked of  your children or grandchildren, it could build confidence and a positive self concept.
• With friends and coworkers it could strengthen a sense of being appreciated.
• If you are a facilitator of groups, it could result in them them feeling truly seen, heard, and acknowledged.

With whom might you ask this self-esteem boosting, curiosity question?

Please check out these related posts:

• Four Steps to Create Safe and Healthy Friendships
• Book Summary: Daring Greatly by Brene´Brown
• Essentials to Overcome Shame and Deal with Guilt