Find a Therapist: How to Reach Out for Professional Help
Researching and finding the right therapist is an important step. Yet an even more important first step is a willingness to commit to the process of growth and healing.
A woman once called me because her relationship was struggling. She wanted to find a therapist who could work with both her and her boyfriend. After suggesting counselling to him, she later sent me this message:
“I do not know what to do anymore. I asked Harry to join me, and he said this kind of stuff does not work.”
Here was my response:
“I actually agree with Harry — ‘this kind of stuff’ does not work on its own. The more important question is whether you and Harry are both willing to do the work. How interested is he in contributing to a mutually rewarding relationship? Counselling itself does not create change. The role of the counsellor or therapist is to help identify what is not working, offer healthier alternatives, and support the healing process. Real improvement happens when people are willing to reflect honestly, trust in the good intentions of both themselves and their partner, and commit to the work of better communication, problem-solving, mutual support, and healing past hurts.”
In the end, she chose to come on her own — and good for her. Even when one partner is unwilling, individual therapy can still lead to meaningful and healthier choices.
Before You Find a Therapist, Know What Therapy Is
The word therapy is used to describe a wide range of approaches that help address physical, mental, and emotional challenges. Examples include chemotherapy (treating cancer), medical therapy (supporting physical illness), occupational therapy (helping with physical limitations), and psychotherapy (supporting emotional, mental, and relational well-being).
When people ask, “How do you find a therapist?” they are usually referring to finding support for struggles related to daily living, emotional pain, mental health concerns, or relationship difficulties. These are areas where psychotherapy is often a helpful fit. There are many avenues of support available, often beginning with a conversation with your family doctor. From there, the options can expand in many directions.
In 1984, after years of personal therapy and study, I graduated with a Master’s Degree in Clinical and Humanistic Psychology and was trained as a psychotherapist. Therapeutic counsellors, psychologists, and many social workers help people navigate emotional, mental health, and relationship challenges, often involving unresolved trauma or painful life experiences.
Psychiatrists, by contrast, are medical doctors who typically specialize in diagnosing psychiatric conditions and prescribing medications to support mental health treatment.
How to Choose a Therapist
How do you choose a therapist you will hopefully grow to trust? Ideally, you want someone who can help you clearly identify your challenges, make sense of both your past and present experiences, and guide you toward a healthier and more fulfilling future. Here are a few thoughts to consider:
A client once shared that therapy felt like the work of becoming more aware of her emotions. She described moving through painful feelings while exploring her past, making more conscious choices, and experimenting with healthier behaviours and ways of relating. At the same time, she described me as serving as both a mirror for reflection and a light pointing toward hope, growth, and new possibilities for the future.
Because therapy has many similarities to teamwork, it is important to choose your therapist thoughtfully.
The client, couple, or family remains in charge of their own lives. The therapist’s role is to provide support, empathy, insight, and tools that help facilitate self-awareness, healing, and healthier patterns. A therapist’s responsibility also includes remaining emotionally grounded and regulated, offering observations and perspectives, and helping create a safe environment for growth and healing.
Be willing to take the time to search for a therapist who feels like the best fit for you. Psychology Today provides a reliable platform for exploring therapist profiles, backgrounds, and approaches.
Find a Therapist for Individual Counselling
If you seek individual therapy it is important for you to do the research and make the appointment–not your mother, spouse, co-worker or friend. But do ask for recommendations from those same people and your family doctor. For women, often rape crisis centers and women’s shelters have referral lists.
Find a Therapist for Couple Counselling
If you are the driving force for your marriage, consider looking for a therapist of the same sex as your reluctant partner. It may allow your partner to feel safer. This suggestion is tentative because different people have had different experiences of safety with males and females. Know your partners family of origin history of abuse and/or neglect.
Ask if the therapist integrates the well-researched concepts of:
- John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Terry Real, the founder of the Relational Life Institute and author of Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
- Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships.
Advantages and Disadvantages of Seeing Same Therapist
Some therapists maintain strict policies about keeping their work with couples, family members, friends, and individuals completely separate. Others welcome the opportunity to work with everyone involved. Therapeutic counsellors — myself included — often evaluate each situation individually and consider what will best support the well-being of all parties.
There are no universal ethical rules that prohibit people from sharing the same therapist. However, it is important to thoughtfully consider both the advantages and possible disadvantages.
Potential advantages include:
- The therapist already understands both individuals’ history, personality, relationship dynamics, and background information.
- Both people receive a more consistent therapeutic perspective and approach.
- Trust and rapport have already been established with the therapist, which can save time and deepen the work.
Potential disadvantages may include:
- Concerns about confidentiality or the accidental sharing of sensitive information.
- A desire for a different therapeutic style, perspective, personality, or gender.
- Worries about whether the therapist can remain balanced and mindful of both individuals’ well-being.
I have clients who feel very comfortable seeing me both together and individually. In one case, I work with multiple generations of the same family and function almost as an ongoing family consultant and resource. At other times, clients decide it is healthier or more beneficial for one partner to work with a different therapist. Ultimately, my commitment is always to serve the best interests of my clients and support what will be most helpful for their healing and growth.
Indicators of a Healthy Therapist
In the first session or two, notice if the therapist:
- Appears emotionally healthy and grounded, while recognizing that, like all people, they may still have some unresolved issues.
- Focuses primarily on helping you understand and work through what is troubling you.
- Does not recoil from or react negatively to the expression of strong emotions.
- Uses empathy and seeks to genuinely understand what is happening for you.
- Demonstrates emotional self-awareness and appropriately manages his or her own feelings.
- Creates an authentic, thoughtful, non-judgmental, and emotionally safe environment.
- Pays attention to both your verbal and nonverbal communication.
- Is creative and responsive in using therapeutic tools and processes.
- Remains flexible within the therapeutic process, adapting to the content and emotions you share.
- Sets clear boundaries regarding time, roles, and payment. The therapist leads the session; you lead your life.
- Offers acceptance, acknowledges your progress, and helps foster hope for your future.
10 Questions to Ask Your Potential Therapist
Many therapists will offer an introductory consultation or a brief phone conversation. Don’t hesitate to ask questions.
- How long have you been providing therapy?
- Have you personally experienced being a therapy client?
- What kind of training and credentials do you have?
- How can I learn more about your philosophy, approach, and training?
- How would you describe your perspective on healing and therapy?
- Do you believe in exploring family-of-origin experiences and understanding what happened in childhood? Often, when we better understand the impact of our early experiences, we gain greater insight into our present-day patterns.
- Do you offer a complimentary first session or consultation?
- How long are your sessions? Note: when working through trauma, the traditional 50-minute session is often not enough time to safely process emotional pain.
- If I experience a crisis between sessions, what support options are available?
- What are your fees and payment policies?
Note: if you suspect trauma (childhood neglect or abuse or an unresolved and disruptive event) is involved ask, “Are you qualified to use EMDR?” and/or “Do you have skills and experience in resolving trauma?” Then ask if their training in trauma healing involves the nervous system or body focused (somatic) work.
Be clear about what you want to accomplish and take charge of exploring whether this person is someone you can trust to support your healing.
Therapy at Its Best
When you first meet with a therapist, notice whether you feel understood, supported, and genuinely seen. You want to make the best decision for yourself. And, depending on your circumstances, for your partnership and family as well. Pay attention to whether you are treated as a unique human being rather than simply a “case” or diagnosis. Do you feel emotionally safe and connected? If so, this reflects what is known as the client–therapeutic alliance, one of the most important factors in healing past trauma and emotional pain.
Therapy can sometimes feel uncomfortable. Try not to measure your progress solely by the emotional pain that may surface during the process. In many cases, it is healthier for pain to emerge and be processed than to remain buried and unresolved.
Indicators of successful therapy may include:
- taking better care of yourself
- developing more compassionate and less judgmental self-talk
- becoming more accepting of your emotions
- recognizing unhealthy patterns and gradually shifting toward healthier ones
- experiencing improvement in your relationships
- making wiser and more life-giving choices
Couples counselling is often most effective when both partners begin to understand one another at a deeper level and reconnect with the reasons they first fell in love.
Other Considerations
At some point, you may feel strong, independent, and grounded enough to bring the therapeutic relationship to a close. Ending therapy can be a meaningful milestone that reflects growth, healing, and increased self-trust. Sometimes, even a simple hug goodbye feels appropriate and affirming.
A very important warning: if a therapist attempts to pursue a sexual relationship with you, leave immediately and seek support elsewhere. This is a serious violation of professional ethics and boundaries.
If you are interested in learning more about my therapeutic counselling services, professional background, ethical association, fees, or would like to arrange a complimentary consultation session (within Canada), please click THERAPY.
You may also explore my profile, along with many other therapists across North America on the Psychology Today website, where many clients first discover my work.
Most importantly, take this information and use it wisely as you search for a therapist who feels like the right fit for your healing journey.
