The Problem with ‘Working Moms’ and What To Do About It

Raising children is one of the most demanding and rewarding responsibilities parents have. Yet they are often left out of the category of working moms. A 2018 news bulletin announced a study of American mothers’ contributions by Salary.com. It compiled statistics to determine what stay-at-home moms would make if paid for their labor.Drum roll, please! $162,581.Yet, 2013 Canadian statistics state that 75% of women between 25 and 54 years of age, with children under 15 years of age, are working moms.

Note: there is no working mom versus stay-at-home mom! Full-time, part-time or no employment are all valid choices; sometimes an economical necessity. I prefer the terms employed mom and employed parent as we increasingly have dads’ picking up traditional women roles. All care-giving moms are working moms. All care-giving parents are working parents. Raising a family is work, hopefully, rewarding work. Regrettably, their family work is seldom acknowledged as significant in our culture.

Add to the above data that mothers typically work as many hours at their place of employment as their spouses. Then many of them come home and accept 70% responsibility for family and home duties. How do they do it? They back off on sleep. Now, don’t misunderstand.

There are exceptions, those wonderful spouses who pick up brooms, dish clothes and diapers as easily as a hammer or tire wrench. And some dads are responsible for the bulk of family responsibilities. Plus, there are an increasing number of stay-at-home dads.

But what about those moms who risk their own well-being by laboring that 70% or more? If you are one of those moms or know of one please keep reading.

Three Barriers to Sharing Childcare and Home Tasks

ONE:
Some women insist on tasks done their way. They may even be heard to say, “I have standards, you know?” This is a very effective strategy for scaring away willing contributors. Fortunately, they can change their belief to a sane position of, “an improvement is helpful.” Families in which support, cooperation and fairness are exercised have less conflict or illness. They put into action valuing family relationships and teamwork. Let’s not ruin our main relationship over dust.

Families in which support, cooperation and fairness are exercised have less conflict or illness. They put into action valuing family relationships and teamwork. Let’s not ruin our primary relationships over dust. Actually, my mother used to say, “Dust! That is merely clean dirt!”

TWO:
Another block to accepting household and family assistance is martyring. “I can do it. I’m the Mom.” When moms are over-responsible they rob other family members of demonstrating their capabilities.

Parents do their children no favor by doing for them what they can do for themselves. Sometimes, as women, our need to be needed overshadows the reality of the need for our bodies and minds to have rest, relaxation, recreation and down time.

THREE:
A third block to gaining family cooperation is utilizing nagging and whining instead of invitation and negotiation. For help with a nagging habit please see my article Gag Your Nagging .

If you are ready to invite and negotiate household workload, please do the following exercise. Then hold a family meeting to discuss how all family members can contribute to the work of family life.

Family Contribution Work Inventory

By knowing who contributes time to what tasks will help you better invite cooperation for sharing home responsibilities. However, don’t get caught into believing it takes five minutes to comfort a hurting child. Those kinds of parental tasks take the time that is necessary–anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours depending on the situation.

Write beside each item the initial of who does what family tasks and roughly how long each task takes to do weekly:

Paid Employment:
Volunteer/Community Involvement:

Home/Family Tasks:

Cleaning:

Put away my property/other’s property
Dispose of old newspapers, magazines & junk mail
Clean my project mess/other’s project mess
Straighten house
Dust
Vacuum
Sweep & mop floors
Clean Venetian Blinds and drapes to the cleaners
Wash windows
Clean attic or basement

Bed:

Make the bed
Make children’s/guest’s bed
Change sheets

Bath:

Hang up my towel/other’s towel
Wipe down the shower/tub
Clean facial hair from sink
Clean the bathroom

Food:

Clean up after own snacks/after other’s snacks
Meal plan
Shop for groceries
Put groceries away
Cook meals
Set the table
Clear the table
Wash the dishes
Put dishes away
Prepare for parties & gatherings
Clean refrigerator

Children:

Play with & take on outings
Discipline & referee disputes
Help with school projects
Take care of them when ill
Take to the doctor
Take to the dentist
Take shopping for clothes & other needs
Nurse, change diapers and potty train
Feed children
Give a bath
Dress & find shoes
Put to bed
Chauffeur to activities
Arrange for a babysitter

Laundry:

Hang up my clothes if still clean enough to wear/other’s clothes
Put my clothes into hamper/other’s clothes into hamper
Do the wash and drying
Fold laundry
Iron my clothes/iron other’s clothes
Take clothes to and from the dry cleaners
Put clean clothes away
Mend

Garbage:

Take it out
Attend to recycle

Maintenance & Repairs:

Paint and/or wall-papering
Fix & mend broken objects around the house
Purchase parts needed for household repairs
Arrange for repairs done by outside help
Replace light bulbs & fuses

Outside:

Mow the lawn
Water lawn
Rake the lawn
Trim trees & shrubs
Care for garden and/or flowerbeds
De-litter the gardens or grounds
Shovel/sweep walks & sidewalks
Clean out garage

Vehicle Maintenance

Clean the inside of car
Wash outside of car
Refuel car
Arrange for repairs
Take car to repair shop
Check & maintain oil & water

Miscellaneous:

Run my own errands/other’s errands
Pack my own suitcase/other’s suitcase
Feed & clean my or our pet(s)/other’s pet(s)
Hire professional cleaning when needed
Make my dental/medical appointments/other’s appointments
Plan & purchase my clothes/ other’s clothes
Pay my bills/family bills
Arrange my social life/other’s social life
Organize my things in closet/other’s things/closet
Care of aging/ill relatives
Maintain relationships with supportive family and friends

Other(s):

Total the scores.
How many hours do you have for your self-care, fun and intimacy?
How many does your partner have?
If the numbers are significantly different, how might you create a more equitable distribution?

Have a conversation. Keep to the facts. Explore what is the best use of each family member’s time and talents.

Warning: do not get caught into believing it takes five minutes to comfort a hurting child. Those kinds of parental tasks take the time that is necessary–anywhere from 5 minutes to 5 hours depending on the situation.

Please check out these related posts:

Let Go of the Curse of Mother’s Guilt
Book Summary: Dancing Backwards in High Heels

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