How the Word “But” Changes Communication

“I love you but. . .”

People with effective communication skills understand the power of a single word and phrases. Yet many of us give little thought to the words we use every day, especially the word, but.

For many people, hearing the word but immediately signals emotional danger of a disappointing, discouraging, or critical message. Sometimes that’s true. Sometimes it isn’t. Yet the simple delivery of but after a positive statement can unconsciously put people on alert.

Our nervous systems are constantly scanning for cues of safety and danger. Even subtle language can influence whether someone feels appreciated or criticized. Let’s explore why.

The Bad News About “But”

Have you ever heard someone say,

“I love you, but…” Did you immediately brace yourself? Most people do.

The word but tends to negate everything that came before it. The compliment or affirmation is often forgotten because our brains naturally focus on what comes next. Psychologists refer to this as the negativity bias. We have a tendency to pay more attention to negative information than positive information.

Consider these examples:

• “You’re beautiful but your behaviour is hurtful.”
• “You did a good job but you made a big mistake.”
• “I was going to give you a raise but you didn’t make the top ten.”

What usually remains in our minds? Not the compliment. We remember the criticism. It stings.

Sometimes replacing but with and allows both ideas to remain true:

• “You did a good job, and there’s one area I’d like us to improve.”
• “I appreciate your effort, and I’d like to talk about what happened.”
• “I love you, and we need to work through this issue together.”

This change immediately feels more collaborative and less judgemental.

Your Brain Is Listening

Our brains are wired to pick up on possible threats. Even in healthy relationships, words can become cues that activate defensiveness.p.

When people repeatedly hear an acknowledgement followed by but, they may stop believing the acknowledgement altogether. They begin to wait for “the real message” as if waiting for “the other shoe to drop”.

This is especially true for people who have experienced criticism, trauma, rejection, or emotionally unsafe relationships. Their nervous systems may be on the alter for disappointment.

Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson explains this phenomenon in his popular TEDx talk, “Hardwiring Happiness.” He reminds us that the human brain evolved with a negativity bias—it is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. In other words, criticism tends to stick while compliments often fade away. This survival pattern helped our ancestors stay alive, but it can create unnecessary tension in our modern relationships.

Hansons TEDx Talk:

When we say, “You did a great job but…” many people barely register the compliment. Their brains automatically latch onto what follows but because they are unconsciously scanning for potential threats, rejection, or disappointment. The first part of the sentences is erased from the brain.

We can become more intentional and replace but with and, which allows the appreciation to remain while still supporting a necessary conversation.

The Good News About “But”

There are times when but becomes surprisingly helpful.

It is well known that people with an extroverted communication style often think out loud. I affectionately call these moments Fumble Mouth.

Thoughts spill out like water from a fountain sometimes encouraging, sometimes awkward, and sometimes unintentionally hurtful.

Fortunately, but can sometimes save the day. It can cancel a compliment AND it can cancel an unfortunate blurt.

For example:

• “Your presentation was short, but effective.”
• “I made a big mess in the kitchen, but I’ll soon have it cleaned up”
• “You didn’t finish the project, but that’s unusual for you.”
• “I made an error in the document, but I’ve since corrected it.
• “You didn’t make the top ten this year, but you’re well positioned for next year.”

In these examples, the ending leaves the listener feeling encouraged rather than discouraged.

The but actually repairs the sentence instead of damaging it.

When “But” Isn’t Enough

Sometimes no word can repair what has already been said. If your “Fumble Mouth” has hurt someone, the healthiest, wisest and kindest response is often a sincere apology.

You might simply say:

“I’m sorry. That didn’t come out the way I intended.”

Or:

“I realize you felt hurt by my words. Thank you for telling me.”

Am authentic apology builds trust far more effectively than trying to explain away the hurt.

There are also times when what slips out reveals something important about ourselves. Our unconscious mind occasionally speaks before our social filter catches up.

Rather than ignoring those moments, we can become curious.

• What was I really feeling?
• What need wasn’t being expressed?
• What truth am I avoiding?

Becoming self-aware most often leads to personal growth.

Building Emotionally Safe Conversations

One of the simplest ways to create emotional safety is to become aware of our everyday language.

Before saying but, pause for just a second and ask yourself:

• Am I about to erase the compliment I just gave?
• Would and communicate my message more effectively?
• Am I trying to encourage or criticize?
• How might my words land on someone whose nervous system is already stressed?

Small changes in language can have a significant impact on relationships. Communication isn’t simply about giving and receiving information. It’s about helping people feel seen, heard, respected, and emotionally safe.

Sometimes changing one small word can change the whole conversation.

Have you noticed how people react when they hear the word but? Have you ever caught yourself in a case of “Fumble Mouth”? Share your experiences in the comments.

But…only if you want to!

Please check out these related post:

• Five Steps to an Authentic and Research Based Apology
• How to Deliver Useful Information When Giving Feedback