Relationship Killers: Insights from Therapist, Esther Perel

As a therapist, I’ve witnessed relationship killers — the quiet, everyday patterns that slowly damage intimacy, trust, and respect. I’ve also witnessed small, thoughtful acts that strengthen them. And, I’ve had my own fair share of relationship challenges.

Relationship killers show up in marriages, friendships and even neighbourhoods. I often see in my therapy practice patterns that damage care and loving connection. Here we will explore eight key relationship killers along with what to do instead. They aren’t ranked in order of importance, because relationships rarely crumble from just one dynamic or hurtful pattern. More often, they weaken through small acts of disconnection repeated over time.

My source of inspiration for this article comes from one of my favorite podcasts; Esther Perel’s Where Shall We Begin? While her focus is often romantic partnerships, the same patterns apply to friendships, families, and even workplace relationships. Please notice if any ot the patterns resonate with you.

Eight Relationship Killers

1. Taking Each Other for Granted (Complacency)

Complacency is one of the most common relationship killers. It’s not dramatic—it’s subtle. It’s when you stop bringing your best self to the people who matter most. Many of us show up with energy and enthusiasm for work or friends but bring the “leftovers” home.

Complacency sounds like:

• “She knows I love her; I don’t need to say it.”
• “We’ll spend time together when life slows down.”
• “It’s fine—they’re used to me being busy.”

Lack of putting out effort to connect, over time, creates emotional neglect. The opposite of complacency is curiosity—staying interested in who your partner or friend is today, not who they used to be.  The relationship researcher, John Gottman describes the importance of making bids for attention and responding to them.

Do this instead:

• Show up. Greet loved ones warmly, not distractedly.
• Offer micro-gestures of care. A note, a hug, a “thank you”—small acts help maintain connection.
• Stay curious. Ask, “What was the best part of your day?”
• Create rituals. Share meals, walks, or weekly check-ins communicate, “You matter and I care about you.”  And, turn the electronics and TV off for moments of connection.
• Bring energy, not leftovers. Give your best where it counts most—at home.

2. Communication Breakdown

Poor communication doesn’t always mean silence—it’s often miscommunication. We assume, interpret, and defend rather than clarify. Words shape meaning, and meaning shapes experience. As Esther Perel reminds us, “Naming is framing.”

We may use the same words—love, loyalty, respect—but mean entirely different things based on our upbringing or culture.

Do this instead:

• Ask, “What does that mean for you?” before reacting.
• Listen and seek to understand both the mental and emotional message.
• Reflect back what you heard to ensure understanding.

3. Distrust

Once trust erodes, even kindness is misinterpreted. Distrust makes us view the other as The Enemy rather than a support. It then colors every conversation.

Do this instead:

• Practice honesty and vulnerably over being perceived as perfect.
• When feeling doubt, name it: “I feel uncertain—can we talk about it?”
• Be consistent. Reliability rebuilds trust over time.

4. Contempt

Contempt is often the final blow. It’s not anger—it’s disdain. It sounds like sarcasm. It looks like eye-rolling. It feels like emotional withdrawal. Contempt says, “You’re beneath me.”

Perel calls it “the dehumanization of the other.” When contempt enters, empathy leaves.

Do this instead:

• Catch contempt early—it often hides under “humor.”
• Replace criticism with curiosity: “Help me understand why you did that.”
• Speak with respect: “I appreciate the effort you made.”

5. Disconnection

Physical touch and affection are lifelines. Hugs, laughter, and shared touch release oxytocin, the feel-good, bonding hormone. Without them, relationships become purely functional.

Do this instead:

• Make affection a ritual, not a reward.
• Sit close when you talk. Hold hands or embrace while watching TV.
• Offer full, warm attention when you’re together.

6. Money Tensions

Money is never just about money—it’s about values, priorities, security, power, and fairness. Each person brings their own story about money shaped by family and cultural patterns.

Do this instead:

• Talk about money as meaning, not just numbers.
• Avoid secrecy; hidden spending creates hidden resentment.

7. Imbalance

When one person carries more emotional or practical weight for too long, resentment grows. Relationships thrive on reciprocity, not perfect equality but mutual care.

Do this instead:

• Discuss roles (responsibilities and expectations) regularly; what worked before may not work now.
• Acknowledge each other’s contributions—seen and unseen.
• Express appreciation daily. Say “thank you”, freely and often.

8. Unspoken Cultural Scripts

Each of us inherits unspoken “rules” about relationships—how love should look, what roles partners should play, what counts as respect. Perel reminds us that a single word like marriage or loyalty can mean vastly different things across cultures.

Do this instead:

• Ask, “What did love, marriage, or friendship mean in your family?”
• Don’t assume agreement—shared vocabulary doesn’t equal shared meaning.
• Stay curious to prevent cultural arrogance.

The Real Relationship Killers Beneath Every Fight

Most arguments aren’t about dishes, money, or chores. Underneath the surface, we’re usually fighting for one of three things:

1. Power and Control: Who decides?
2. Trust and Closeness: Can I rely on you?
3. Respect and Recognition: Do you see me?

When you feel unseen or disrespected, even innocent comments can sound like attacks. But when you feel loved and trusted, small mistakes don’t shake your connection.

How to Strengthen Your Relationships

Now that we’ve named some of the biggest relationship killers, how do we heal and grow? Here are daily practices that help rebuild connection and keep relationships alive:

1. Get Curious. Keep discovering who the other person is.
2. Give the Benefit of the Doubt. Most people are clumsy, not cruel.
3. Thank and Acknowledge. Gratitude is food for connection.
4. Apologize Quickly. Repair matters more than being right.
5. Prioritize Connection. Let your loved ones know you care.

A Simple Reflection Practice

Take a moment and ask yourself:

• Who in my life needs to hear “thank you” or “I’m sorry”?
• Who have I been meaning to call (not text)?
• Who could use a word of encouragement from me today?

Conclusion

Every one of us falls into relationship killers now and then—complacency, criticism, or emotional neglect. The difference between relationships that crumble and those that endure isn’t perfection; it’s the willingness to repair.

The more we stay curious, generous, and self-aware, the stronger our connections become. Because, as Esther Perel beautifully says, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.”

Interested in Esther Perel’s Where Shall We Begin? podcast? CLICK HERE.

Please check out these related posts:

• Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationshipby Terry Real — Book Summary
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman — Book Summary
• Wisely Choose Where You Get Relationship Advice
• Curb the Urge to Fix People: Healing Ourselves First