What a thrill that my colleague from Women in Psychology, Stephanie Wellings, wrote a review of From Woe to WOW and then sent it her professional association, The Alberta College of Social Workers, for publication.
Here is Stephanie’s review:
“When I read Patricia Morgan’s new book From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work, I read it from two perspectives: firstly as a therapist working with women of all ages and stages in their lives, and secondly as a woman who has worked for many years in business as employee, management trainer and employer.
Patricia’s book encapsulates, in a manageable and organized manner, the lessons learned by many women since the advent of the Feminist Movement in the 1960’s. We entered the workforce in droves–requesting, sometimes demanding, an equal chance to earn a living by doing work that tested our abilities and often tested the patience of the organizational structures around us. Patricia has written openly and succinctly about the lessons she and others have learned during that journey. She has also researched extensively in the areas of resilience and problem-solving. She shows her professionalism in seeking the best information available in her field and dovetailing that with her personal and professional experience.
The reader makes an instant connection to the rest of the book by being introduced to some phenomenal women who characterize the resilience possibilities within us all. Their difficulties are not uncommon but their attitudes towards change are. Their determination and self-responsibility provide valuable lessons. Patricia chose well her cornerstone examples and interwove them into viable strategies. These strategies support and boost the strengths and resilience inherent in all women (and men).
A young employee and single mother client of mine read the book and found the impetus she needed to leave a very toxic work environment. She is now in her new position with a more open, progressive and family oriented company.
This is a book I can easily recommend to clients, to friends, and to family members who may be struggling with their own issues. Thank you, Patricia, for giving us From Woe to WOWas a tool for assisting others in their healing and growth process.”
Stephanie Wellings is a therapist for Humanity First Counselling in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Consider taking your favorite book and, like Stephanie, write down what you appreciate and send it to your association or even a for-profit magazine or an online posting such as amazon.com. Then you, too, will help others move from woe to WOW!
Note:From Woe to WOW can be also be purchased on amazon.ca HERE or for an eBook version or soft-copy on my website HERE.
Emotional Agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life, authored by Harvard Medical School psychologist, Susan David ranks high in my reading inventory.I place it with the likes of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More than IQ and Brene’ Brown’s Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience.
Overview
Based on research and her own story of childhood poverty, David proposes that emotional rigidity is about better managing dysfunctional thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Along with references to depression and anxiety, she offers strategies to strengthen our flexibility and resilience. Her message is about thriving in the face of challenges at work and home.
David’s goal is to strengthen our well-being and give us ways to succeed in our personal development and work-life. David is well recognized as a teacher and writer about the intersection between business and psychology. She makes a strong case for the internal work of studying our thought and emotions.
Susan David’s TEDWomen Talk
In David’s 2017, TEDWomen Talk: The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage she states, “You might think you’re in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them, but in fact they control you. Internal pain always comes out. Always. And who pays the price? We do. Our children, our colleagues, our communities.”
Basic Concepts
David cites Holocaust survivor, neurologist, and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl and his classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning. We can learn to create a space between how we feel and how we respond.
We can also learn to detach and observe both our thoughts and emotions. We can become more mindful.
Focusing on our values and knowing our why, helps us discipline our thoughts and urges, and become more comfortable with ourselves.
Thoughts that are slower and more deliberate, develop flexible behaviors. So we are wise to slow down our thinking. Give pause.
We can catch our internal chatterbox It might include blaming, monkey-mind (thought spinning), outgrown ideas, and unjust righteousness.
Brooding and bottling our emotions is unhelpful. We can befriend, appreciate, and learn from our emotions, including anger.
The simplified positivity movement of always be happy with a smile, can be detrimental to our well-being.
Self-compassion is not about being selfish but about protecting our well-being.
Making small shifts in our mindset and habits can make a significant difference.
We can improve our decision-making processes.
We can also strengthen our grit, courage, and resilience.
We need to stop over-parenting and over-protecting our children. We would be wise to model a full range of emotions and allow our children to develop emotional agility.
15 Susan David Quotes:
“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.”
“A growing body of research shows that emotional rigidity—getting hooked by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that don’t serve us—is associated with a range of psychological ills, including depression and anxiety.”
“Meanwhile, emotional agility—being flexible with your thoughts and feelings so that you can respond optimally to everyday situations—is key to well-being and success.”
“Emotional agility means being aware and accepting of all your emotions, even learning from the most difficult ones. It also means getting beyond conditioned or preprogrammed cognitive and emotional responses (your hooks) to live in the moment with a clear reading of present circumstances, respond appropriately, and then act in alignment with your deepest values.”
“Brooding and bottling aren’t the only unproductive ways people cope with life’s stresses. Another common strategy is the belief, in one form of another, that all will be well if we can just keep on smiling.”
“There’s a misconception that you need to be tough on yourself to maintain your edge. But people who are more accepting of their own failure may actually be more motivated to improve.”
“Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformational. People, who can identify the full spectrum of emotions—who realize how, for example, sadness differs from boredom, or pity, or loneliness, or nervousness—do much, much better at managing the ups and downs of ordinary existence than those who see everything in black and white.”
“Anytime you get hooked, identify that thought for what it is (a thought) and that emotion for what it is (an emotion). You can do this by introducing the language, ‘I’m having the thought that . . .’ or ‘I am having the emotion that . . .’”
“Remember you have no obligation to accept your thoughts or emotions’ opinions.”
“If you know your own personal values and generally live by them, you are also likely to be comfortable with who you are.”
“People who have a growth mindset and who see themselves as agents in their own lives are more open to new experiences, more willing to take risks, more persistent, and more resilient in rebounding from failure.”
“Managing social connection is vital to our survival because we still depend on family and tribe, friends and loved ones, for our well-being.”
“Confusing safety with the familiar, the accessible, and the coherent, limits our options. To keep growing, you need to be open to the unfamiliar, even the uncomfortable.”
“My own research has shown that pay is far from the only aspect of a job that provides satisfaction and incentive. (What does is) . . . a sense of connection with their teams, challenge in their work, being truly seen as individuals, and feeling empowered in their roles.”
“The most effective way to teach your children emotional agility is by practicing it yourself.”
Stand up to Your Adult Child or Acting-Up Teenager
An acting up teenager or adult child can bring unexpected grieve to families. Recently a client shared her struggle to set clear boundaries with her adult child, who was treating her abusively due to a drug addiction. She wanted support to create a strategy, and I soon pulled out my copy of How to Deal with your Acting-Up Teenager by Bayard and Bayard.
Years ago, I facilitated a program for parents dealing with their teenagers’ challenging behaviors including swearing, breaking curfew, skipping school, promiscuity, illegal drug use, and violence. Many of those parents wanted to find simple and quick treatments for their out of control teenagers. But seldom are out-of-control teenager programs effective if the youth do not want to cooperate. In our program we used the Bayard book as a guide. After describing the process to my client, she decided to use the framework to plan her next steps. Here are the steps she used, and you can, too.
Step One: List Bothersome Kid Behaviors
List all the behaviors your kid does that bother you. Here is a list of acting out behavior examples:
Uses pot
Lacks clear communication
Drinks too much alcohol
Orders 2 drinks when he goes to dinner with us (and we pay)
Is inconsiderate to me and his friends
Avoids support
Carelessly spends allowance we give him
Seldom expresses appreciation
Demonstrates little discipline
Sleeps in the day and is out at night
Breaks agreements
Shows no remorse
Lies
Speaks with entitlement
Swears
Blames others for his mistakes
Step Two: Make Two Lists Separate the bothersome behavior list into two lists:
Kid-Life List
Parent-Life List
The Kid-Life list is for behaviors your kid does which may have consequences for her life, but will not affect your future life. You will probably find that some items clearly affect only your kid and thus belong on the Kid-Life pile; others clearly have consequences for your life and so do not belong on this pile. They belong in the Parent-Life list.
If you become stuck deciding whether an item should go on the Kid-Life list, ask yourself whether you have any direct power or control over this behavior or not. If you have no control, it belongs on the Kid-Life list.
Kid-Life List
Uses pot
Lacks clear communication
Drinks too much alcohol
Is inconsiderate to me and his friends
Avoids support
Seldom expresses appreciation
Demonstrates little discipline
Sleeps in the day and is out at night
Shows no remorse
Lies
Speaks with entitlement
Swears
Blames others for his mistakes
Step Three: Resign from Owning Your Kid’s Problems
Stop accepting responsibility for the Kid-Life list. Develop a trust that your kid can and will make the right decisions in these matters for herself and let her know you have that trust.
Create a brief statement such as, “I love you. I believe you are capable of learning from your mistakes and making smart choices. From now on, I resign from accepting responsibility for your behaviors. Because I love you and want the best for you, I will do my best to support healthy decisions. Otherwise, your life is in your hands.”
Step Four: Focus on Your Problems
Review the items on the Parent-Life list. These behaviors affect your life and most likely, you have some control over them, control you have not yet exercised.
Adult-Life List
Orders 2 drinks when he goes to dinner with us (and we pay)
Carelessly spends allowance we give him
Breaks agreements
You may decide to add items to the Parent-Life list based on your rights.
Being treated with courtesy.
Doing as you wish with your own time.
Reasonable peace & quiet.
Having those living in your home carry their weight and not freeloading.
Locking your home in the evening and knowing no one will come in afterwards.
Having your own relationships with your spouse and friends.
Commit yourself to standing up for them.
Step Five: Stand Up for Yourself
Look at your Parent-Life list which, if a roommate did, would lead to almost anyone agreeing is unfair. It applies to items such as:
Steals my money
Won’t do chores
Parties in the house
Uses drugs in the house
Establish the fairness of what you want. This includes an honest attempt to negotiate. You will make a clear statement of what you want and the consequence if it is not honored. “I want you to either order only one drink when we go out, or I will not pay for your meal.”
Establish credibility in your word by sustaining your boundaries. Do what you say you will do. Stand firm in your position. Take control where you have control–your thinking, speaking and actions. Here are some ideas:
Make a list of household guidelines, preferably with your kid involved. If uncooperative, make the guideline anyway. Ensure you can take action to protect your guidelines. Some of the following ideas might help.
Treat your kid like you would a roommate.
Go on a parental strike–no cooking, chauffeuring, loaning your car, giving, or loaning money, or paying for a cell-phone plan.
Put a padlock on the fridge.
Keep your money and valuables in a safe.
Put a lock on your bedroom door.
Move the tv and other family electronics to your locked bedroom.
Leave the room if you are being abusively spoken to.
Call the police if you are being physically threatened or attacked.
Lock the doors at curfew. For under-age kids: Leave money for a taxi and the address of a family friend’s house in the mailbox. Ahead of time, ask for your friends’ support.
For older adult children, give a warning that you will evict them if disrespectful behaviour continues. Follow through. Pack up their belongings and place on the doorstep. Change the house locks.
Choose to do what makes you feel in control of your life. Do not take action to teach your kid a lesson or to get even. Choose actions that you can do for yourself and to protect your own well-being.
You cannot fix others. You cannot control others. But you can influence by example. “Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.” Albert Schweitzer
Are you curious about the outcome of my client’s situation with her acting-up adult off-spring? In the end my client’s stand brought her back to her own self-worth, and I was reminded that the best gift we can give our children is to create our own great life!
At our Canadian Centre for Men and Families (CCMF) coaching sessions and meetings we explore many topics including the difference between how, in difficult situations, we often find ourselves reactive. We encourage the ability to choose to respond not react.
Definition of Responding versus Reacting
Respond is rooted in the word responsibility, which indicates considerate and deliberate thinking and behavior. React means to meet one action with another one. Here is an example of reacting.
It was beautiful day when it happened in an instant. I was walking my dog Dexter, passing by a house where people were moving groceries from car to house. As their front door opened, a pit bull flew off the stoop speeding towards Dexter! I reacted instantly and instinctively with no need to think. I quickly removed myself and Dexter from the neighbourhood.
There are situations we find ourselves in which we need to react. Our survival needs make it imperative. It’s hard-wired into us: when we sense danger, our biological systems automatically put us into a high state of readiness known as the fight, flight, or freeze/collapse reaction.
But seldom do we need that animal instinct. In reality, most days, our survival isn’t threatened. But that doesn’t stop our ever-vigilant brains from being triggered into reacting as if there is mortal danger around corners. That triggering of the sympathetic nervous system becomes a regular distress to our system. Your brain’s alarm system might be triggered by a curt email from your boss or an unwelcome call from the ex-spouse. But reacting, instead of responding, rarely helps us make the best decision or move. We all know it but it takes more than knowing to change a habitual reaction.
The good news, it is possible to escape the self-inflicted pains of reactivity. We can choose to respond, not react. But like everything else, it takes discipline and practice.
Responding means thinking before acting. It means disconnecting from the limbic brain, that innate survival mechanism. It also means operating above the line, which means acting more rationally than emotionally. We do better when we respond.
Our culture with its go-go, never-switched-off mode of operation too often incites reaction. A reactive existence is hard to escape, even when we know it can help us dig a deep hole of anxiety, stress, or depression.
Three Steps to Become a Responder instead of a Reactor
Step One
Stop taking life’s lumps and bumps personally. Personalizing life challenges is a huge source of reactivity. Nothing is personal unless we make it so. When a fellow motorist makes a rude gesture, you can choose to take it personally and react, or you can choose to wonder what created their bad day. It’s your choice. There are a million reasons why people act the way they do. They are accountable for their behavior, not you. Nobody can make you react without your cooperation. Remember, nothing is personal unless you choose to make it so.
Step Two
Start to notice your emotions. Be aware of when you feel angry, triggered or otherwise operating below the line. Notice and then take a breath, maybe ten or even 100. By noticing you will discover that almost nothing is urgent. Time is on your side as a well thought-out response will serve you better. If it helps, take a day or two to respond. Use the old adage, “I’m going to sleep on it.”
Alternatively, no response at all may be a completely legitimate and appropriate action. Who says you must respond to a text or demand? No one that will give you wise counsel.
I heard somewhere that reacting is emotional, while responding is a demonstration of emotional intelligence.
Step Three
Decide to respond or not. Next time you are triggered to react to a situation, write a draft response to yourself. Leave it for a day. Then ask yourself these five questions:
What is the likely consequence of this response?
Am I reacting or responding?
Am I escalating or de-escalating?
What kind of response, if any, best serves me or the situation?
Is the best decision to let it go?
Another option to manage your reactive habit is to use the S.T.O.P. rule:
Stop
Take a breath
Observe your thoughts (emotions)
Process next step
Visualize yourself as a calm, rational responder, someone who controls their life ship. Consider using these strategies to choose to respond, not react. Your life will immediately and substantially improve.
With loving kindness, Coach Billy
Note: Not only is Coach Billy a member of the Canadian Centre for Men and Families (CCMF), he is also a volunteer coach. Founded in Calgary Alberta, CCMF exists to support men in having their realities validated, their mental health strengthened, and their contributions to healthy relationships at home, work, and community acknowledged. For more information about the CCMF Click Here.
In 2021 it seemed as if everyone interested in personal growth and psychology was discussing the book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Media attention and the authors’ fame were partly responsible for the significant attention. Dr. Bruce Perry is a renowned child psychiatrist and Oprah Winfrey rose from being abandoned by her parents, and beaten by her grandmother to become a wealthy TV personality, journalist, and recognized philanthropist.
But be forewarned, this is not a fluffy, easy to read self-help book. It is part memoir and part psycho-education structured by discussions in which Oprah and Dr. Perry share their experiences and Dr. Perry answers Oprah’s probing questions. They explore child abuse and neglect, and mental health issues, particularly trauma.
Overview
Oprah is candid about her childhood, her struggles with weight, and mental health while Perry offers insight. Back in the late 1980, and early 1990s, Perry and Oprah worked together to create and push for an American child protection act. In 1993, “The Oprah Bill” was passed.
Both are concerned with the abuse of children and with adults who now suffer from unresolved childhood trauma. They want the public to be trauma informed and for people to heal. So, they delve into how the brain becomes wired in infancy and the early years, what creates childhood trauma, builds resilience, and helps heal.
Basic Concepts from What Happened to You?
Childhood experiences affect our adult perceptions of ourselves, others, and the world. They also shape our beliefs, values, and behaviors. Divorce, death, neglect, domestic violence, absent parents, parents’ use of substances, and what they see, hear, touch, and smell all affect children’s development.
Emotional-regulation is developed in childhood when parents attend to and respond to children’s needs for regular sleep, nutrition, and care. Being attended to as a baby and growing in a family establishes a sense of positive expectation of the world.
Children’s brain and nervous system development can be adversely disrupted by a pregnancy that involves severe distress, including exposure to drugs or alcohol, by an absent or aggressive caregiver, by a chaotic home that constantly stimulates stress hormones. Perry refers to the distress responses of flocking (being hyper-alert), freezing, flight (escape) and fight. He describes states of awareness from calm to alert, to alarm, to fear and then terror.
Fear and trauma can be transmitted from one generation to the next.
Neglect and abuse of children create adverse effects, including people pleasing and self-harm.
Children need safety and security. Participating in a caring community, including a safe school environment, provides protective factors and can help build resilience. As adults, becoming active in our communities can assist in our healing.
Childhood trauma can be the root cause of later dysfunctional biases and beliefs.
Trauma in children, youth and adults varies from minor to deeply layered.
We become more resilient and empathetic when we are engaged in our communities. Making time for relationships and face-to-face interactions is crucial to our well-being.
Those who live with trauma, struggle to establish healthy relationships. Therapy to resolve trauma is next to impossible if basic needs are not in place. However, once the need for food, shelter, physical safety, and routine are met, healing trauma, one person at a time, changes the world for the better.
Quotes from What Happened to You?
Dr. Bruce Perry Quotes
“The title, What Happened to You? signifies a shift in perspective that honors the power of the past to shape our current functioning.”
“They (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) came up with the ‘three E’s’ definition . . . trauma has three key aspects—the event, the experience, and the effects.”
“Rhythm is essential to a healthy body and healthy mind. Every person in the world can probably think of something rhythmic that makes them feel better; walking, swimming, music, dance, the sound of waves breaking on a beach . . .”
“A person’s capacity to connect, to be regulating and regulated, to reward and be rewarded, is the glue that keeps families and communities together.”
“. . . we have too many parents caring for children with inadequate supports. . . an overwhelmed, exhausted, dysregulated parent will have a hard time regulating a child consistently and predictably . . . this creates an inconsistent, prolonged, and unpredictable activation of the child’s stress-response systems.”
“The language we speak, the beliefs we hold—both good and bad—are passed from generation to generation through experience.”
“A healthy community is a healing community, and a healing community is full of hope because it has seen its own people weather—survive and thrive.”
“Trauma can impact our genes, white blood cells, heart, gut, lungs, and brain, our thinking, feeling, behaving, parenting, teaching, coaching, consuming, creating, prescribing, arresting, sentencing.”
“Remember that the cortex is the most malleable, the most changeable part of the brain. Beliefs and values can change.”
“Conversation, for example, promotes resilience; discussions and argument over family dinners and mildly heated conversations with friends are—as long as there is repair—resilience building and empathy-growing experiences.”
“We are now raising our children and youth in environments that are both relationally impoverished and sensory overloading from the proliferation of screen-based technologies.”
“If we truly want to understand ourselves, we need to understand our history—our true history. Because the emotional residue of our past follows us.”
Oprah Winfrey Quotes
“Millions of people were treated just as I was as children and grew up believing their lives were of no value.”
“. . . powerful, frightening, or isolating sensory experiences that last mere seconds or are endured for years can remain locked deep in the brain.”
“Living in a traumatizing environment causes the child to be continually dysregulated.”
“You can’t become a healthy being unless you’ve had some challenges that allow you to build resilience and empathy.”
“Your past is not an excuse. But it is an explanation—offering insight into the questions so many of us ask ourselves. Why do I behave the way I behave? Why do I feel the way I feel?”
“So often we use the word snapped when we don’t know where a burst of anger is coming from or why someone is having a violent reaction. Something has happened in the moment.”
“. . . no matter what has happened, you get a chance to re-write the script.”
“We must understand and heal the wounds of the past before we can move forward.”
“She (Iyanla Vanzant) said that until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. The wounds will bleed through and stain your life, through alcohol, through drugs, through sex, through overworking.”
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
“The acknowledgement of one human being by another is what bonds us. Asking ‘What happened to you?’ expands the human connection.”
“What happened to you can be your power.”
From now on, when you are off the mark with your best self, please ask yourself, what happened to me?” If you don’t like the answer, seek healing to change the script.
Note: In September of 2023, during a lecture at England’s Oxford University, Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, referred to What Happened to You. He suggested the title would be more accurate to include, And Who Was There for You? van der Kolk was making the point that children’s attachment to caregivers, who provide safety and protection, is a significant factor to the eventual well-being of adults. Regrettably, many caregivers, whose children count on them for safety and support, do not have the capacity to protect and comfort. Indeed and regrettably, many caregivers inflict inflict abuse and neglect.
If you have read What Happened to You?please consider leaving your perspective below. Ok?
Here we will explore three ways you can effectively strengthen your grandchildren’s resilience. Yes, a loving grandparent connection makes a positive difference.
Why Grandparent Connection Matters
Resilience is nurtured through relationships with others. Grandparents not only provide a family narrative that helps shape their identity, they are often the cheerleaders, encouragers, and number one fans of grandchildren. Indeed, grandparents connecting with grandchildren provides a key message of loving safety.
increase their exposure to people who care about them.
This is where grandparents can really shine – no matter the distance between. Grandparents care. Grandchild and grandparent connection matters to them. Letting your grandchildren know you are there for them provides another layer of emotional support – especially during difficult times.
How to Make Meaningful Grandparent Connection
1. Use Affectionate Communication
Increase your use of affectionate communication. Dr. Mansson, an associate professor in Communication Arts and Sciences Employment at Penn State University found adult grandchildren reported feeling closer to grandparents who used affectionate communication. These are expressions of love and caring, and are the foundation of feeling emotional closeness to a grandparent.
One of the easiest ways to increase your affectionate communication, is to share special sentiments with your grandchildren. Share your caring thoughts and feelings. Here are three examples:
I feel so grateful to be your grandma.
you are such a wonderful grandson.
I love being your nana.
You can use affectionate communication intentionally in your conversations, letters or postcards. I encourage grandparents to write loving sentiments on the envelope in different colors of crayons or markers to give it an extra love punch. This also makes your mail stand out and more interesting to receive.
For a more in-depth look at why affectionate communicate matters along with a few more suggestions take a peek at the article in GRAND magazine. It’s a short but practical read about the power of affectionate communication, Our words can travel endless miles when we cannot
2. Offer Stability and Certainty
Be the person who provides a sense of stability and certainty. Make your communication a ritual they can rely on each week or each month. Examples include sending your grandchildren a video message every Saturday morning and sharing a memory about your time together or a funny story about mum or dad. It could also be writing a monthly letter to your grandchild. For inspiration, DeeDee, from More Than Grand, shares a year’s worth of letter writing ideas to use with your grandchildren.
If you aren’t into letter writing, a short note with a band aid, stickers or even pipe cleaners and googly eyes, to make pipe cleaner people together on a video chat, will do the trick. The possibilities are endless and it’s less about what you send, rather it’s more about doing something they can anticipate and rely on.
3. Reach Out to the Parents
Reach out to your grandchildren’s parents. Notice if there is some way you can help them right now! They also benefit from your loving communication.
Maybe you could read to or with your grandchildren at night. Another idea is to write them short stories about family memories. Use simple language so they can practice their reading. Perhaps you can play together on a video chat to give the parents a break or send a healthy meal for them on a Sunday evening to give the parents a break from cooking.
Even a gift card for a local coffee shop can go a long way to let a parent know you are thinking about them and care about them. The tendency can be to focus on the grandchildren – which is lovely – but your adult children still need their parents too!
Conclusion
It all comes down to being intentional about your grandparenting – especially if you are trying to nurture resilience. It’s truly a wonderful gift to give your grandchildren all year round. Happy making grandparent connection!
Kerry Byrne, PhD is the Founder of The Long Distance Grandparent, a mission driven business helping grandparents nurture strong and meaningful relationships from a distance. She is an aging and care research scientist and believes in the power of connecting generations to create kinder, more connected families and communities. Contact her HERE.
Wow! Oh, wow! I was impressed with psychologist and associate editor of the Journal of Positive Psychology, Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book, The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn’t, What Shouldn’t Make You Happy, but Does. I felt stunned by the depth to which Lyubomirsky uses research findings to challenge our biases, fallacies, assumptions, and misconceptions.
The Myths of Happiness Overview
In a culture that tends to be addicted to the idea of continual happiness and avoidance of uncomfortable feelings, Lyubomirsky gives us a healthy dose of wake up to the facts! She gives structure to myriad happiness myths by focusing on several significant adult events she refers to as crisis points.
Basic Concepts
Success and Struggle We humans tend to believe that our accomplishments and successes will create happily-ever after happiness, while believing hardships, failures, and disappointments will create forever misery. But overcoming struggles prepares us for inevitable big and small future challenges.
Polarities Uncomfortable emotions such as grief, sadness and the events that often caused them are interwoven with our joys and pleasures. There’s an old expression, “What I thought was the worst thing that happened to me turned out to be the best.” I recall feeling devastated when I was laid off from my family counselling position only to find a significantly more rewarding position as a facilitator of a women’s career readiness program.
Transitions Our happiness myths can sway critical decisions about our next steps, often with significantly disappointing results.
Life is Complicated Life includes moments of joy, success, failure, loss, pain, and often confusion. Yet science, self-awareness, and contemplation can help us make sense of our lives.
Predicting Our Happiness is Difficult
We tend to poorly predict which decisions will generate happiness and satisfaction. For example, before having a baby it is difficult to imagine the sleepless nights and the smell of diapers. Our experience of distress is difficult to foresee.
Also, something called psychological immune system often kicks in when we experience setbacks. We often unconsciously and habitually demonstrate resilience and minimize troubles, even turning them into meaningful learning.
Hedonic Adaptation Hedonic adaptation means we tend to adjust to the good stuff–a new job, a promotion, a new love, or home. Since we are wired for novelty, after a certain period, excitement, and pleasure wear thin. Therefore, Positive Psychology research suggests that we should savour our positive experiences while seeking to understand our distressing experiences.
Avoid Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink It is better to give significant life decisions reasoned, sound consideration rather than only operate from instinctual gut feelings. Lyubomirsky wrote, “My approach is, ‘Think, don’t blink.’” That is just what The Myths of Happiness invites us to do; to consider what research has discovered on our behalf.
We are invited to challenge our happiness myths, confront our inaccurate beliefs, and prepare our minds for a clearer view of reality. A first step is to ponder the myths described in the chapter titles and the corresponding quotations.
Sonja Lyubomirsky Quotes
Ch 1: I’ll Be Happy When . . . I’m Married to The Right Person
“Novelty in relationships is like a drug . . . the beginnings of relationships hold a million surprises.”
“The decline of passionate love — like growing up or growing old — is simply part of being human.”
“The importance of touch is undeniable, yet it is remarkably undervalued.”
“Flourishing relationships have been revealed to be those in which the couple responds actively and constructively — that is, with interest and delight — to each other’s windfalls and successes.”
“In sum appreciating, validating, and capitalizing on our partner’s good news is an effective strategy to bolster our relationship and thereby to intensify the pleasure and satisfaction we obtain from it — in short to preclude hedonic adaptation.”
Ch 2: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . My Relationship Has Fallen Apart
“True forgiveness has been found to reduce grievances, minimize intrusive negative, angry, or depressive thoughts, bolster optimistic thinking, foster contentment with life, promote commitment and satisfaction in a marriage, improve physical health, and even boost productivity at work.”
“But if all the signs indicate that your partner feels no remorse and will misbehave again, then forgiving will not be the divine thing to do.”
“After divorce, you will cope and grow.”
“Children do better when able (via divorce) to escape their parents’ fighting, screaming, and the pressure to take sides.”
“Before making any pivotal decision, you need to consider how much of your marital unhappiness is due to you, how much of it is due to your spouse, how much of it is due to dynamics within your marriage, and how much of it is due to circumstances beyond your control.”
Ch 3: I’ll Be Happy When… I Have Kids
“Having children is costly, exhausting, stressful, and emotionally draining.”
“Marital satisfaction soars after the last child leaves the home.”
“Daily hassles will make you unhappier than major traumas.”
“Putting our emotional upheavals into words helps us make sense of them, accommodate to them and begin to move past them.”
Ch 4: I Can’t be Happy When . . . I Don’t Have a Partner
“Married women spend less time alone than their unmarried peers and more time having sex, but they also spend less time with friends, less time reading or watching TV, and more time doing chores, preparing food, and tending to children.”
“Newlyweds derive a happiness boost from getting married that lasts an average of about two years.”
“The happiness myth that you can only be happy with a partner is as powerful as it is wrong.”
Ch 5: I’ll Be Happy When . . . I Find the Right Job
“Two thirds of the benefits of a raise in income are erased after just one year.”
“As we obtain less and less pleasure from our new position, another critical thing occurs — our expectations rise.”
“Make occasional visits to your friends’, acquaintances’, or former colleagues’ places of business and unobtrusively compare them to yours.”
“Keep a gratitude journal — a list in your head, on paper, or in your smartphone — that regularly helps you contemplate the positive aspects of your job.”
“When it comes to our performance and specific accomplishments at work, we should always aim high.”
“When we ask ourselves the question, ‘How good, successful, smart, affable, prosperous, ethical am I?’ those of us who typically rely on our own internal objective standards are happiest.”
“Understand that everyone becomes habituated to the novelty, excitement, and challenges of a new job or venture.”
Ch 6: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . I’m Broke
“Income and happiness are indeed significantly correlated, although the relationship isn’t super strong.”
“The link between money and happiness is a great deal stronger for poor people than richer ones. That is, when our basic needs for adequate food, safety, health care, and shelter aren’t met, an increase in income makes a much larger difference for us than when we are relatively comfortable. Another way to put it is that money makes us happier if it keeps us from being poor.”
“Growing evidence reveals that it is experiences–not things–that make us happy.”
“Spend your money on many small pleasures rather than a few big ones.”
“Instead of brooding about our misfortune, we can focus on the ways that we could be happy with less and spend money right.”
“Homeowners are less happy than renters.”
Ch 7: I’ll Be Happy When . . . I’m Rich
“Human beings are programmed to desire, not appreciate, and to strive for more, not be content with what they have.”
“The more money we have, the more we get used to it, and the more we want.”
“Spend money on others, not yourself.”
“Spend money to give you time.”
“The key to buying happiness is not in how successful we are, but what we do with it; It’s not how high our income is, but how we allocate it.”
Ch 8: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . the Test Results Were Positive
“The scientific evidence delivers three kernels of wisdom– first, that short bursts of gladness, tranquility, or delight are not trivial at all; second, that it is” frequency, not intensity, that counts; and 3rd, most of us seem not to know this.”
“Take at least one step each week in the direction that helps you attain purpose in your life and secures your legacy.”
Ch 9: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . I Know I’ll Never Play Shortstop for the Yankees
“Coming to terms with our regrets can also bolster our sense of humor, strengthen our compassion toward those who have suffered, and imbue us with profound gratitude.”
“Stop comparing.”
“We shouldn’t expect perfection – not expect always to be right and not dwell on self-blame when a choice is not ideal.
“Aim for options that are good enough rather than perfect.”
Ch 10: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . the Best Years of My Life Are Over
“Older people are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives than younger people.”
“Knowing that our time on earth is limited, combined with the increased maturity and social skills that come with every decade, motivates us to maximize our well-being and to control our emotions more successfully.”
After many more references to research, Lyubomirsky concludes:
“Exploding the myths of happiness means that there’s no magic formula for happiness and no sure course toward misery — that nothing in life is as joy producing or as misery inducing as we think it is.”
Like many mothers, I have had breakfast served in bed by broad smiling children. Yes, on Mothers Day. Some years, I probably did not deserve the honor! Curious? Read on!
The Beginning of Mother’s Day
Anna Jarvis of Philadelphia began the campaign that brought about the official observance of Mother’s Day. Her mother died, and Anna wanted all mothers to be remembered. She asked that white carnations be the official mother’s day symbol. In 1914, US President Woodrow Wilson signed the order that made Mother’s Day a national holiday.
Since then, clichés flow on Mother’s Day describing maternal love as a blessing, a rare tenderness or a gift from heaven.
M is for the millions of things she does for you.
O is for the endless optimism she has for you.
T is for the many tears she has shed for you.
H is for her heart—always opens for you.
E is for her endless patience, endless kindness & endless love of you.
R is for ridiculous. This is ridiculous! Who could possibility live up to this standard?
I know I do not and never did. I am the resilient survivor of 3 children and they are survivors of me and my hubby. The first was planned. That’s Benjamin. The second was planned and adopted. That’s Kelly. The third was “Oh! Oh! Les, our birth control didn’t work.” That’s Katie and we’re so glad she came to us! They are now grown and their own life agents.
If you ask them about the mothering they received, you would hear three different descriptions. Benjamin calls me Mom. Katie calls me Mother, and Kelly calls me MooMoo. No, I am not still nursing any of them!
Mother Archetypes
Carolyn Myss, in her book, Sacred Contracts, describes mother archetypes: Notice if you have experienced or witnessed any of these:
The Good Mother archetype is filled with compassion and forgiveness for her children and puts them before herself. She can become the beloved martyr.
The Perfect Mother archetype is described in Judith Warner’s book, PerfectMadness. Some women go to outrageous lengths to fulfill a societal expectation of perfect motherhood. But do we not need to let our children down so they leave home?
Then there are the Shadow Mother Archetypes:
The Devouring Mother consumes her children psychologically and emotionally often instilling in them feelings of guilt at leaving her or becoming independent.
The Abusive or Abandoning Mother violates natural laws by harming her own children. In A Boy Called It, Dave Pelzer describes his mentally ill mother’s attempts to kill him.
The Career Mom archetype is a modern phenomenon of women who struggle with mixed feelings of accomplishment and guilt.
Note: If you are interested in learning more Myss has descriptions plus suggested movies and books on her website of the different archetypes we live out in our relationships.
Oprah Winfrey once said, “Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.”
We do women and men a disservice when we pigeon-hole their ability to nurture, or not, into straight jackets. A couple of years ago, I was asked to speak at Adoption Options, an agency that demonstrates flexibility in its placements. One couple who had adopted a petite yet vibrant little girl were two men.
Love and care come in many different forms, sometimes a match, sometimes a mismatch. We do not choose our mother or father but we can choose to give ourselves the kind of love we understand and long for.
If you are or were blessed, as I was, to have a dear of a mother, do take the opportunity to express your love and appreciation of her but don’t forget others who nurture with care, attention and comfort.
Recently, I met Norm L. Quantz at a Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy networking event. I was drawn to him because of his calm, wise, and supportive comments to others, particularly newly graduated therapists. I discovered he has provided years of marital therapy to couples. Then I became curious about his books. I read Quantz’s It’s All About Power and Control: Why Marriages Fall Apart and What It Takes to Put Them Back Together Again. Indeed it focuses on power and control in relationships.
Overview
At about the one third mark of reading, I thought, “This is a worthy read for anyone who is wondering if, or has established that, they are in a subtly or blatantly abusive relationship.” My second thought was, “This man understands and supports feminism, that is the equal treatment of women.”
Before reading further, please know that he clarifies there are exceptions to males being the abusers. He provides reasons and statistics for the predominance of male abuse and approaches the subject with sensitivity to both men and women. Also of note is that his principles will assist non-heterosexual relationships. Quantz’s goal is to wake up both people in the relationship, invite respectful sharing of power and control, and land on a close, healthy, and mutual rewarding relationship.
Basic Concepts
The Problems with Power and Control
When one partner has more power and control it is a breeding ground for abuse. Even though equal power and control is not technically possible in a relationship, empowering each other where they have little power is useful to making the relationship mutually beneficial.
Many women experience significantly less power in key areas of relationship such as defining what healthy looks like and having credible impact with their opinions due to long established female-male power differences. Due to physical strength, cultural biases, family patterns, and religious dogma, women often live in a one-down position from their male partner (inequality of value) and at times even experience less power than their male children.
Men often don’t grasp or accept the reality that overall they possess a predominant power role in relationships and often act as if they are the victims.
Abuse is delivered via three main strategies:
Withholding includes avoiding keeping agreements, not supporting you doing and being with whom you want, and not providing you with helpful information, empathy, or even a response. Withholding is challenging to identify but it corrodes relationships.
Deception includes lying, distorting, or deflecting, away from the truth, using the devil’s advocate excuse, and reversing blame.
Creating Crisis-Risk situations to control includes threat of harm, exposing you to danger, for example irresponsible driving, making excessive demands, and raging at you.
Being Nice can result in a partner feeling confused, depressed, and anxious. When husbands with predominant power exude a nice persona but their spouse develops a highly anxious nature, Quantz dedicated a chapter to describe this relationship. He coined the phrase Nice Husband Anxious Wife Syndrome (NHAWS, pronounced gnaws) which details this crazy-making scenario that eats away at the potential joy in a relationship. Although passive aggressive may come to mind, passive dismissive would be a more accurate term since the woman, in the early stages, often speaks highly of their nice partner while feeling their power is dismissed.
Victims of abuse may appear to be just as controlling as their partners but often they are defending themselves by what Quantz calls,The Victim Reactive Cycle.
There is a typical pattern of marriage breakups. The way out of the pattern is for both people to take responsibility for their use, or lack of use, of personal power.
The Solutions to The Misuse of Power and Control
Identify and take responsibility for your own power. This is key to determine how to use your power and control for good.
More men need to recognize how detrimental their use of power has become and more women need to claim the power they have as an equal partner.
Check your character, that is, become aware of your habitual beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors.
Identify events from your early marriage and childhood to find the roots of your coping strategies, unconscious beliefs, and consequential behaviors.
Name the abuse that is present in your relationship. Name it to change it!
Move from coping with your situation to conquering it. Give up operating the way you have always related. Challenge your rituals and traditions.
Aim to be whole and healthy by championing your emotions, your desires, and love of self into the relationship.
Norman L. Quantz Quotes:
“Healing must be a two-way street. Both you and your partner must work to bring it about, but you must concentrate first on yourself and your own personal recovery from the abuse have been enduring.”
“Abuse is best described as the wasting away misuse of another.”
“Victims of abuse quite literally waste away mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically and even spiritually from the stress it causes.”
“When people say that is just the way he is or that is just her personality, the way abuse functions is excused and underexposed.”
“Ongoing improvement is indicated when the abuser continues to accept ownership for his problems. This must be an ongoing lifestyle change, not just movement when the pressure is on to change.”
“Men hold the most power in keeping love in a marriage from fully developing.”
“The key power dynamic is in the little word, He lets her choose for many reasons.”
Abusers often inch their way into ever increasing control, so it is hard for victims to say when they have had enough.
“Look at situations through the grid of who holds the most overall power to disrupt the movement towards healthy.”
“Nice can kill. . . he lives in his bubble of nice.”
“Abusers need to take primary responsibility for perpetuating their abusive actions, regardless of why they do it. Victims of abuse need to take primary responsibility in preventing themselves from being the abuser’s target.”
“Men, be real. Tell the truth, the whole truth. . . Learn how to express the variety of feelings you experience rather than just a two-option attitude: it’s either okay or it makes you frustrated.”
“Whether the relationship is healthy or not is determined by the way each person uses their power and control to fulfill their core longings to love and be loved.”
“We are fundamentally, at our core, wired to want healthy, close relationships.”
If you suspect you are unconsciously abusing or being abused, consider accessing a copy of Quantz’s It’s All About Power and Control. It will help clear the way to a mutually respectful and loving relationship.
My friend, colleague, founder of Bodacity, and women’s business coach Jannette Anderson, started a book club. Jannette’s first choice was, Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living, by Glennon Doyle, also the author of Love Warrior and other publications, primarily memoirs. Doyle is a mother of three, struggled with bulimia, and later dealt with alcohol addiction. She has a TEDx talk called Lessons from the Mental Hospital.
Jannette used some of the chapter themes in Untamed as jumping off points for discussion. The book has over sixty chapters; some a page and half long and others twelve or more. Chapter titles include Rules, Imagine, Smiles, Poems, Boys, Mirrors, Racists, Questions, Conflicts, and Lies,
On week three of the book club, we were encouraged to write an uncensored and free-flowing list of what we really want to be, do, and have. Another exercise was to write 100 descriptions of our Most Wonderful Life:
It was not until Part Two: Keys I began to appreciate some of Doyle’s perspectives. My reading had peaks and valleys. When I read Amazon reviews, I saw others also had mixed experiences. Descriptions ranged from “excellent wake-up call” to “eye opening” to “hit close to home” to “overly long and rambles” to “preachy” and “self-serving.” Regardless, I am glad I read to the end.
Overview
Part memoir, part self-help book, Untamed’s main theme is about awakening to our unconscious programming and living freely from cultural expectations. We are called to authentically live with less automatic pleasing and striving, and with more honesty, especially with our feelings.
Many of Doyle’s messages remind me of the sound bites from the 1970’s feminist movement from how women’s bodies are used in the media to the importance of finding our own voices. However, Doyle’s writing differs in its raw vulnerability.
Basic Concepts
Untamed explores concepts of personal reflection and development, boundaries, body image, managing stress, and the role of anger in women’s lives and voices. Doyle also weaves in dilemmas facing women of the role of mother—from being a martyr to providing a viable role model.
Part One: Caged
Doyle opens with the metaphor of a zoo staff’s demonstration of a well-trained cheetah that is ignorant of freedom of choice. Doyle describes, in vignettes, seeking guidance to move forward from some of the dilemmas facing women including the messages of youshould and must do.
Part Two: Keys
This section delves into psychological awakening including:
insights focused on emotions.
developing a connection to a self knowing in which Doyle integrates God into being internally still, which I would name spirit or divine knowing.
using our imaginations to lean into our dreams.
Glennon Doyle Quotes:
“Four years ago, married to the father of my three children, I fell in love with a woman.”
“Creating a life with her was the first original idea that I ever had.”
“I can feel everything and survive. What I thought would kill me, didn’t. Every time I said to myself: Ican’t take this anymore—I was wrong.”
“Our minds are excuse makers; our imaginations are storytellers. So instead of asking ourselves what’s right or wrong, we must ask ourselves: What is true and beautiful?”
“If I am willing to sit in the stillness with myself, I always know what to do.”
“I’ve spent thousands on potions and poisons, trying to be youthful. I have denied myself for decades, trying to be pure.”
“What if we used our motherly love less like a laser, burning holes into the children assigned to us and more like the sun, making sure all kids are warm?”
“The opposite of sensitive is not brave. It’s not brave to refuse to pay attention, to refuse to notice, to refuse to feel and know and imagine— the opposite of sensitive is insensitive and that’s NO badge of honor.”
“This culture depends on the sensitivity of a few because nothing can be healed if it’s not sensed first…folks like [us] are inconvenient. We slow the world down…it is easier to call us broken and dismiss us to consider that we are responding appropriately to a broken world.”
“Maybe we can stop trying so hard to understand the gorgeous mystery of sexuality. Instead, we can just listen to ourselves and each other with curiosity and love, and without fear.”
“To live a life of her own, each woman must also answer: What do I love? What makes me come alive? What is beauty to me, and when do I take the time to fill up with it? Who is the soul beneath all of these roles.”
“The more often I do things I want to do, the less bitter I am at people for doing what they want to do.”
“When women learn how to please, we forget who we are. When women lose themselves, the world loses its way. We do not need any more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who are full of themselves. A woman who is full of only herself no longer internalizes the world’s memos and expectations. A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done and lets the rest burn.”
Have you had some significant moments of feeling lonely? Most of us have felt deep and empty disconnect and sadness. I felt it as a farm girl, living at the end of a long lane. I felt it in high school, being surrounded by other students while feeling shunned. I felt it when I moved to the city and knew no one. But I definitely was not part of a loneliness curve that concerned the World Health Organization.
Many of us feel transient or temporary loneliness when we lose a loved one, lose a marriage or another intimate relationship ends, or we enter a new learning environment, job, or community, or we are merely shunned because we are, in some way, different. These are classic feeling lonely scenarios. However, loneliness is only an issue when it becomes part of one’s lifestyle, a resignation to forever being disconnected. It is important to acknowledge the difference between fleeting moments of loneliness and chronic loneliness.
Certainly COVID-19 has brought the issue of loneliness to the forefront. Because of the requirement to physically distance and more often stay home, it is difficult to make affirming connections. Indeed, it was in October 2020 the Angus Reid Institute, Canada’s non-profit foundation, committed to independent research, headlined a release stating: Isolation, Loneliness, and COVID-19: Pandemic leads to sharp increase in mental health challenges, social woes!
Before we explore these social woes I will define loneliness and three correlated words.
Lonely Definitions
Definitions will give us a mutual language and understanding. Even so, you will notice some cross-over in meanings.
Alone means no one else is present. Think about Me-Time; that desire many parents declare they need. They are rejuvenated by separating from the noise, demands and responsibilities of family life to relax on their own.
Isolated means to be far away from other people. Think about the classic 1719 novel, The Life andAdventures of Robinson Crusoe: a man alone for years and years on an island with little but palm trees, coconuts, and fish. Then there is Tom Hanks, staring in the year 2000 movie, Castaway. The main character names a basketball Wilson and develops an intense relationship with the object to alleviate his forlorn sense of loneliness. It may interest you to know that the word isolated comes from the Latin word insula, which means island.
Solitude means a state of seclusion or isolation and a lack of contact with people. Most often, solitude indicates that aloneness was chosen, not imposed. Short-term solitude may be chosen for the sake of privacy, contemplation, or a purposeful retreat. Poets and artists wax eloquent about the gifts of solitude. In years past, only the wealthy could afford the luxury of solitude.
Loneliness means an enduring condition of emotional distress that arises when a person feels estranged from, misunderstood, or rejected by others and lacks appropriate social partners for desired activities, particularly activities that provide a sense of social integration and opportunities for emotional intimacy.
This definition of loneliness comes from Dr. Lars Andersson, a University of Sweden, loneliness researcher.
And yet another definition from Dr. Stephanie Cacioppo of the University of Chicago:
“It is the discrepancy between what you have and what you want from your relationships.”
Basically, the feeling of loneliness is involuntary aloneness with a sense of lack of social connection. Chronic loneliness was a problem before COVID-19 and is ongoing. A 2018 Tweet from The Economist read, “Loneliness is the leprosy of the 21st-century.” From here on in, I will use the term, the lonely, to describe people experiencing chronic loneliness, which shows up in a myriad of ways.
Dr. Eric Klingenberg, the author of Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone wrote, “The occasional and transitory feeling of loneliness can be healthy and productive. It is a biological signal to ourselves that we need to build stronger social bonds.” Indeed, we need to get the lonely connected.
Loneliness Signals
Seldom do people identify with having a loneliness issue. Typically, they share a familiar problem or a more socially acceptable emotion.
Some people incorrectly conclude that, because someone is single, a single parent, widowed, elderly, identify as LGBTQ2 or is an immigrant, they feel lonely. The loneliness literature takes these factors into consideration but points out that perspective and connection, or lack of it, are the deciding factors. Loneliness more often shows its face in physical and mental health problems.
Loneliness Researcher, Julianne Holt-Lunstad, found that many of the lonely were excessive smokers, obese, and were dealing with mental health issues. It is like cigarettes, vapes, food, alcohol or drugs become best friends. In more specific terms Holt-Lunstad describes correlations with loneliness:
Coronary heart disease
High blood pressure
Stroke
Dementia
Depression
More immune dysfunction
Anxiety
Lower quality of sleep
Excessive use of alcohol.
Impaired judgement
Impulsiveness
Obviously, for the lonely and those who care about them, loneliness needs to be addressed. Disregarding the feeling of loneliness can lead to adverse physical and mental health effects.
Connection is the antidote. My hubby likes a significant amount of alone time. After retiring he was getting ample solitude but also showing some memory issues. A geriatric specialist encouraged him to become more social. After joining Rotary and engaging in volunteering his bright memory returned. I cannot imagine him saying “I was lonely” but his lack of social engagement did affect him.
Ways to Connect with the Lonely
Holt-Lunstad wrote, “The mere perception of the availability of support can go a long way in helping not only our emotional well-being but our physical health.” This finding is encouraging. Just letting someone know you care makes a difference! We can reach out to anyone including friends, family, neighbours, or even strangers.
Dr. Vivek Murphy the past American, Surgeon General and author of Together, says, “The foundation for connecting with other people is connection to ourselves.” Before approaching another, ask yourself, “Am I feeling worthy and having nothing to prove?” and “Do I feel grounded, present and peaceful?” You are ready to approach if your answers are yes.
When we do reach out, Murphy cautions us to approach others for connection and not for personal validation. You want to avoid seeking acknowledgement for yourself but rather offer kindness from a full and present heart. Do not perceive nor treat the lonely as victims or less than. Approach them with curiosity, empathy, and a query of “How can I help?”
Second, we approach with empathy which requires us to seek to understand the other, to imagine what loneliness feels like, looks like, and sounds like. We have neurons in our brains that allow us to relate to, or imagine, someone else’s internal, personal, and emotional selves. Merely recall your own moments, days or weeks of loneliness.
16 Ways to Connect
Affirm Their Reality. Remind them they are not alone; that you too have had moments of feeling lonely. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your own stories of loneliness.
Check Feelings. When you sense the moment is right, ask, “Do you feel lonely?” It can provide relief to merely accept the reality of loneliness.
Welcome In. Invite them to join one of your groups, clubs, classes, or community events. Even better, invite them to join you in a volunteer cause. Share helper’s high with them.
Initiate. Invite them to go for a walk or for a cup of coffee.
Use the Phone. Call them or, alternatively, make a Zoom or Facetime date. Begin by saying, “I was thinking of you.” We all benefit from being seen, heard, and acknowledged.
Text and Email. Also consider writing an old-fashioned letter. Many people consider receiving a mailed letter, and I’m not referring to bills, as an honor and treat.
Name them Friend. Start using the phrase, “my friend” as in “It was good chatting with you, my friend.”
Create Emotional Safety. Be an emotionally supportive person.
Show a kind heart, seldom speak ill of others, or judge them.
Demonstrate patience and gentleness.
Welcome the sharing of all feelings. Feelings are different than inappropriate words (name calling, put downs, criticism or swearing) or behaviors.
Listen with acceptance, curiosity, and an eagerness to understand. Say, “Tell me more” often.
Smile and Laugh. Smiling tells others we like something about them or what they are doing. Add “I like your creative ideas.” Laughing indicates experiencing joy with another.
See Strengths. Notice and encourage their gifts and strengths as in “Thank you for showing such deep honesty.”
Touch. When COVID-19 no longer exists, frequently, generously, and enthusiastically hug.
Fill a Role. Consider accepting the role of mentor or even adopted sister, brother, uncle, parent, or grandparent. Many groups that sponsor immigrants provide these unmet roles.
Offer Help. Ask, “What would be helpful?” Even better is to guess at what would be helpful as in, “Would it be helpful if I gave you a reference?”
Plan your Future. Give them a reason to look forward to the future. “Next week I’ll check in with you.”
Connect on Social Media. If possible, set them up and/or participate with them on social media. “I want to be your Facebook friend. OK?”
Start a Group or Community. Start an online group and invite them. Start a book club, exercise club or one focused on any other topic of interest.
Conclusion
Being loved and having a sense of belonging and connection is our birthright. I am convinced that our longing for connection needs to be fulfilled so we might flourish. I close with one of my favorite quotations from the ancient philosopher, Hillel: “If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for me, what is the point?” Let us join together to lessen the loneliness curve and increase connection.
Most of us have had our personal boundaries violated. I have been asked in a job interview how much money my husband makes. The obvious answer was “None of your business.” Then there was the manager who patted my behind. Boundaries in relationships help all parties feel emotionally and physically safe. When we establish clear boundaries, we make it easier to know when to say no, yes or remain open and flexible. Boundaries help us be in integrity and align with our values.
Typical workplace values include competition, diversity, discipline, ethics and excellence. Typical family values include care, commitment, faith, feelings and home. As a leader, at work or home, when you maintain behavior appropriate rules (policies) and guidelines, you build trust, safety and a sense of belonging. Family meetings be helpful to discuss and establish family boundaries. After all, because of COVID-19, many more of us are working from home. At work we have meetings to discuss guidelines and doing the same at home can prevent conflict and stress.
Why Make Boundaries
Boundaries help us be in integrity and align with our values. Typical workplace values include competition, diversity, discipline, ethics and excellence. Typical family values include care, commitment, faith, feelings and home. As a leader, at work or home, when you maintain behavior appropriate rules (policies) and guidelines, you build trust, safety and a sense of belonging.
We can have personal boundaries such as choosing who we feel comfortable hugging. We can have coupleship boundaries such as always having a private bedroom, even on holiday with family members. We can have family boundaries such as not answering the phone during meal times. We can have workplace boundaries such as not interrupting the manager during certain meetings. Often times rules and guidelines help us maintain our boundaries.
Rules are established directives with clear consequences of violation. Guidelines are more flexible and are more like recommendations. Here are five ways to help build resilience in others through boundary awareness and maintenance.
Five Ways to Make Clear Boundaries in Relationships
Here are five ways to help create and maintain clear and healthy boundaries:
ONE: Make Rules Clear
Clearly, articulate the rules (organization policies) and guidelines. Often stories best describe the importance of our rules and guidelines.
At work, a rule might be, “The work day starts at 8:30 am. Tardiness is recorded.” A workplace guideline might be, “We value teamwork so we encourage asking for help from a co-worker before going to a manager.”
At home, a family rule might be, “We value politeness so no swearing is allowed. If you swear, you will place a quarter into our Swear Jar.” A family guideline might be, “Rather than walking away when you feel angry, it is better to stay and talk about it. Ok?”
TWO: Act Ethically
Keep your behavior appropriate to relationship roles, responsibilities, and power differentials.
At work managers are wise to demonstrate friendly interest and support of employees without relying on them to be their friends. When leaders want guidance or feedback they are, most often, best to seek it from peers or higher management.
At home parents need to be there for their children and, sometimes, be their children’s friend when all others have failed. Yet, it is important that parents not rely on their children to be their friends. One day a parent with clear boundaries (which includes following through on consequences to rules) will undoubtedly hear, “I hate you!” That would end must friendships while not the role of Mom or Dad.
THREE: Know What and Who You Value
Know and respect your own values. Look over the below list and decide which are your top 3 to 5 values:
Encourage others to know and articulate their values. Knowing one another’s values helps us respect one another. It helps us know what jokes might be fun to share and which ones might be offensive, when to back off and when to encourage, and when a behavior or request will cross someone’s boundary. For example, I do not laugh at sexist or racist jokes. I value inclusiveness and diversity.
At work a meeting agenda might include the topic of organization, team and individual values. It might include a discussion of what to do when employees’ values differ from the organization’s values. Employees often resign when they have not resolved conflict between their values and that of their mangers or organization.
At home family meetings provide an excellent structure for establishing family rules and guidelines, and discovering individual and family values. Some families explore a different value for a month using The Family Virtues Guide book.
FIVE: Question
Ask yourself and others deepening and open-ended questions about values. Then help protect them.
At work:
What do you value most about your work?
How does that value support you in your work?
What do we agree are the two or three most important values to our team’s success?
How do we demonstrate them?
How might we use them more effectively?
What process will we use if and when we have value conflicts with one another?
What might we do if our personal values conflict with the organization’s values?
At home:
What do you spend the most time and energy doing? How important are those activities to you? What values do you think they reflect? Whose values are they—just yours, your friends or our family’s?
What do you see as our family’s most important two or three most values?
How do we demonstrate them?
How might we use them more effectively?
What do you think of the idea of making a sign with a value on it and we commit to acting on it for at least one month?
How might you apply these ideas so that you and those in your circle can set healthy boundaries in relationships?