Finding Meaning After Loss: David Kessler and Grief

Many North Americans struggle to live with grief in a healthy way—often denying or minimizing their pain. My counselling therapy clients frequently apologize for crying, assume they’re too emotional, diagnosis themselves as depressed, or pretend everything is fine while feeling overwhelmed. Yet, as David Kessler writes in Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, we can better live with our loss when we allow ourselves to grieve and find meaning after loss.

On a personal note I’ve lived through my parent’s and extended family’s deaths. The hardest grieving for me was related to my mother’s death and our beloved daughter-in-law, dying from cancer. I think of them daily. But there have been other losses as well: a deep and long friendship that ended during covid-19, my dream job, our beautiful home sold due to lay-offs, and our pet-child dog, Sissy dying. These, too warranted tears of grief and loss.

Who is David Kessler?

Over the years I’ve dabbled in Kessler’s work until recently, when I took a deeper dive, completed on of his online courses, The Sixth Stage of Grief, passed the test, and was rewarded with the above certificate.  Taking this course has provided some personal and emotional comfort.

His model introduces a sixth stage in addition to Elizabeth Kübler‑Ross’ model of five stages.

Kessler not only studied with the infamous Kübler‑Ross, a pioneer in the field of grief and loss, in 2001 he co-authored with her On Grief & Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss and Life Lessons: Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life and Living,

Not only is Kessler considered one the world’s leading grief and loss experts, he has his own story of his son’s death. His guidance comes from a place of self-compassion, research, and experience. Here I share some my key insights from my recent training.

Key Concepts in Kessler’s Grief After Loss Work

1. A Sixth Stage: “Meaning”

Kessler builds on Elisabeth Kübler‑Ross’s five stages — Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance — emphasizing that acceptance isn’t the end when you’re the one left behind—it’s a step toward creating meaning from loss.

Drawing on Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Kessler proposes that finding meaning is what empowers survivors to live on.

2. Grieving is a Personal Process

Grieving and finding meaning do not line up step by step. Just like the original five stages meaning making comes and goes evolves and deepens with time. Meaning-making isn’t linear—just like the initial five stages, it can come and go, evolve, or deepen with time.

Kessler models, through the death of his 21-year-old son, that grief requires patience, vulnerability, and honesty.

3. Principles of Meaning-Making

Kessler outlines seven core truths about finding or creating meaning:

1. It is relative and personal.
2. Finding meaning takes time.
3. It doesn’t require intellectual understanding of the loss.
4. A new sense of meaning doesn’t negate the pain of loss.
5. Loss is simply life—it’s not a lesson or test; meaning is what you make of it.
6. You alone define meaning.
7. Creating meaning is supported through relationships, rituals, and memory.

4. Growth After Trauma

Meaning-making is a recognized path to post-traumatic growth (PTG): people often report increased resilience, deeper spirituality, stronger relationships, and renewed purpose after the trauma of loss.

Support Research

Meaning-Making & Resilience

• Studies show grief interventions that foster meaning-making lead to lower mental distress, greater marital satisfaction, and better physical health—especially for bereaved parents and survivors of violent loss.

Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG)

• PTG includes positive psychological transformations after trauma. Research demonstrates changes such as increased appreciation for life, personal strength, and spiritual change en.wikipedia.org.

Social Support & Ritual

• It is important to have your grief witnessed. By sharing stories and rituals, deeper healing happens. Kessler tells a story about an Australian indigenous practice: a whole village moves furniture and objects in the home after a death, making the loss visible and shared. They give the message death creates a significant loss and change.
• Social support is well-documented to buffer stress and improve grieving outcomes — gbesy.com+10en.wikipedia.org+10en.wikipedia.org+10.

Ten Grief Strategies from David Kessler’s Work

1. Name and Acknowledge Your Feelings

Don’t judge or suppress your feelings—name them — sadness, guilt, anger, confusion, relief, maybe numbness. Allow all emotions to exist without needing to fix or stuff them.

2. Move Toward Acceptance: Don’t Seek Closure

Kessler proposes that closure is often a myth; acceptance is about acknowledging a new reality, the reality of loss. This doesn’t mean forgetting—it means knowing what happened and slowly discovering how to live with the loss.

Grief invites us to live without the physical presence of our loved one.

3. Create Meaning After Loss

Ask yourself, What can I do with this grief? Here are six ideas:

• 1. Create a ritual in remembrance
  2. Support others in similar pain
  3. Share your story to help others
  4. Start a foundation or memorial
  5. Change a habit in their honor
  6. Deepen your values

4. Grieve in Doses

Kessler suggests taking grief breaks instead of experiencing overwhelming floods of grief. How do you do that?

He suggests scheduling short, intentional time to journal, to feel, to cry or to reflect. Then get back to your daily life. This practice can be especially helpful if you have other responsibilities and commitments. It can also prevent emotional burnout.

5. Honor the Relationship, Not Just the Loss

Find ways to celebrate how your loved one lived. Rituals can keep the memory alive. Light a candle, record special times, cook their favourite meal, give a toast in their memory at gatherings, and share stories that include their name and personality.

6. Stay Connected to Your Support Circle

Grief isolated is grief intensified. Kessler also say, “Grief must be witnessed to be healed”.

If you don’t have a support circle, a group of caring family or friends, join a grief group. Sharing your stories will help process your pain. Doing so will help you feel less alone and more understood.

7. Practice Self-Compassion

Kessler advises, “Drop the shoulds.” I should be over this. I should feel better. He suggests not forcing or using the concept of gratitude, especially for the frist year of grieving.  It’s better to mark wins such as “It was a win that I ate a nourishing meal”.

Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. There is no timeline or finish line. Be kind and patient with yourself as if you were supporting a friend.

8. Write a Letter to Your Loved One

A) Write a letter to your loved one describing what you:

• Feel about being left behind.
• Miss.
• Wish you had said or done when they were alive. Note: In the case of a cut-off relationship, describe your regrets from when you were connected.

B) Then feel your loved one’s presence, and write a response from them with love, comfort or encouragement. Let yourself feel connected. You are building a different relationship with your dearly departed.

       9. Create Meaningful Rituals

Kessler says, “Grief rituals are anchors in the storm. They could be an anniversary walk, a photo display, an evening prayer, a visit to a special place you both loved.

10. Feel Joy Without Guilt

Feeling happiness again is not a betrayal. Kessler reminds us Joy and grief can coexist. Feeling moments of happiness again doesn’t mean you loved any less. In fact, allowing joy honors the life and love you shared.

VIDEO: David Kessler on the ‘6 Elements’ of Good Grief

David Kessler Grief and Loss Quotes

These quotations from Kessler may support you in finding meaning after loss.

1. “Grief is love with no place to go.”
2. “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint.”
3. “You don’t get over the loss of a loved one; you learn to live with it.”
4. “Your grief is not a problem to be solved. It’s a process to be lived.”
5. “We grieve because we loved. Grief is the reminder that we gave ourselves permission to love.”
6. “The goal is not to ‘get over’ grief, but to find a way to hold both grief and meaning.”
7. “You can’t heal what you don’t allow yourself to feel.”
8. “Tears are not a sign of weakness. They’re a form of mourning that honors your love.”
9. “Meaning doesn’t take away the pain, but it helps ease the suffering.”
10. “When we help others in their grief, we honor those we’ve lost.”
11. “Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering with more love than pain.”
12. “Even in death, relationships don’t end—they change.”
13. “You don’t move on from grief. You move forward with it.”
14. “Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity.”
15. “Sometimes the only thing that makes sense in grief is that nothing makes sense.”
16. “Your grief is valid, even if others can’t understand it.”
17. “We often try to outrun grief, but it has a way of waiting for us to slow down.”
18. “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss… you will learn to live with it, you will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.”

Conclusion:

My heart is full after taking David Kessler’s course and pleased to share these lessons learned.

Let me remind you of one learning: please remember the grieving journey may be long but meaning and healing are possible. With patience, compassion, and connection, grief can become not just a wound to endure but can lead to a deeper purpose and understanding.

Whether you’re supporting yourself or someone else, may Kessler’s ideas and strategies offer a comfort on your path to finding meaning after loss.

Please check out these related posts:

• What You Can Do to Cope with Grief and Loss
• Celebration of Life – More Than a Happy Funeral
• Grief Counselling Tips for Mourning a Loss